through it. (ugh).

 

i’ve had a bad week. really bad. totally shitty. changes. changing. transition. hurt. letting go. the only way through it is through it. my best friend in my life is going through some big life changes, too. bonnie. she turns 40 on monday. i, in january. could this monumental age bring about the shift that is occurring in both of our lives? possibly. bonnie lives in my former town, LA. great thrifting there. about a week ago, she scored a rad 60’s bookshelf from Out of the Closet, a thrift store charity that donates money to people living with AIDS. knowing how hardcore i am about great finds, she took a picture of it and sent it to me. low, slanted shelves, metal feet. she needed it because she has recently moved into her Very Own Place and was looking for something on which to store her books, etc. i have lots of books. the shelves that have held them since december (when i bought my house) are your standard bookshelves, heavy, dark wood, square rather than streamlined. heavy. i’ve been meaning to get rid of them and get something lighter in their place, but just have not done it. huh. imagine that. knowing that i need to do something and not doing it. last night, i was at one of my fave stomping grounds…a goodwill located in the ritzy-er part of town. my eyes, puffy from having cried all day searched aimlessly, looking at everything and seeing nothing. without direction and for the fourth time, i circled the store. then i saw it: the low 60’s bookshelf. slanted shelves, low, metal feet….could it be? no…could it? $4.99. i picked it up without a second thought, carried it to the cash register and it was mine. i called bonnie. oh my god. i just bought this…oh f*ck it, i’m sending you a picture. i did. same EXACT bookcase that she bought in LA. i went home and immediately cleared out the books from the old, heavy shelves, struggled to get them out into the garage, their weight and cumbersome nature barely making it possible for me to move them. but i did. i managed. it was hard, but i did it. in tears. i am unsure today what the significance is of bonnie and i both finding exactly the same bookcase in two cities separated by 2000 miles. i am unsure of so many things right at this red-hot second. but i do know that she needed that awesome little shelf to fit her new life, her new space. i found the exact one when i was desperate for a sign, for SOMEthing to show me the way. maybe my tears are not in vain. maybe all this hurt is leading me to something better, something lighter and less heavy. the weight has been exhausting. maybe i’ll continue to be able to see the good through these tears and maybe, just maybe, the universe will lead me to exactly what i need.

(note: picture one is bonnie’s shelf and picture two is mine-)

© littlebrownbutterfly