and i ran.

in addition to all other simply fascinating things that i am, i am a runner. certainly not the fastest, and i’m not always the most diligent about my little feel good hobby — and that’s okay with me. i cut myself some slack. i run. i do it. i’ve been running for several years now and my runs are sacred to me. it’s the time i take for myself. i process stuff. or i just listen to my tunes and zone out…way out. which is good for me since my brain is usually on a perpetual spin cycle of “what do i do about this situation/how could i have done that thing better/why does my cat merlin follow me to my mailbox like he is a dog/what the fuck am i doing with my life…and the Big and Daunting, what are we all doing on this pale blue dot anyway?” i exhaust myself with my thoughts. you get the point. sometimes during my runs i have little epiphanies, little insights that i take with me into my day, into my life. on my run today, for example, i thought more about the esoteric and abstract nature of my chosen sport. i have run away from a lot of things in my life: shit gets hard, i bail, i run. i simply run away. lisa has left the building. mary chapin carpenter says it nicely in one of her songs:  “i have run from the arms of lovers, i’ve run from the eyes of friends, i have run from the hands of kindness, i’ve run just because I can…”. but the act of running does not always lead anywhere. sometimes running is counterproductive. if i am running away from a particular person, let’s say, i have probably not dealt with the issues that probably, quite possibly, most likely– would cause me put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. evaluate. reevaluate. look at my part. we are drawn to certain people because we need them. we need the experiences and the lessons that perhaps only they can teach us. so i have become very conscious of my tendencies with regard to bailing out on people. choosing the easier path. running. most of the time it is the easier, softer way. but you know what? i’m not really interested in the easiest route out these days. i want the 10 miler that is hard, that sometimes hurts a little…the run that may be kind of arduous to get through. because, at the end of each mile — at the end of each little step — is a lesson that is taking me to exactly where i am supposed to be. it feels good to run for sure, but it feels really really really good to stay and to learn. so stay awhile, would ya? my vintage nike roadrunners would like that.

©littlebrownbutterfly