I’m pretty chill. But the other day, some Stupid Fucking Nitwit* made me INCREDIBLY angry. Was it her tone? Was it the asinine request? Whatever the trigger, all of the sudden I couldn’t think. Rage filled my body. All I could see was black and red. I wanted to rip her arms off. I wanted to claw her eyes out. I wanted blood. Instead though, I held back (most of) my rage and incredulously exited the scene (stage right). I stewed over this incident for days. DAYS, OKAY? I tried to understand where she was coming from. I tried to see her point. More anger. Her point was ridiculous. She was on the wrong side of me and, as my grandfather used to say, “that’s not a good place to be.” Um, no, it’s not. I can be rather vicious when pushed hard/far enough. Not really a place I like to visit too often, but still, it exists.
Anyway.
Although I consider myself pretty mellow yellow and operate with yoga brain most of the time, I can be triggered like we all can and, yano, lose my shit. So, I called my team of BF’s: Moya, Erin, Chella and Bonnie. We talked it out. I worked through why I was so angry. My pals listened and offered their invaluable feedback and I finally got that what I was angry about had nothing to do with this ignoramus. It had to do with me. I’m not a super confrontational person and most of the time I try not let anger in – like a duck, I let that shit roll right off. But maybe too much shit, you know? I guess I’d gotten into this mindset that anger is not useful or it’s bad or I’m too evolved to participate in such low-level emotional responses. HA. And then, like a gift, there it was – my anger – handed to me on a silver platter.
It’s okay to get angry. Stay there all day if you need to. Or a few days, like I did. But figure it out. Find out why. Feelings buried alive never die – I personally believe that holding BS in can make you sick – like with cancer and shit. Don’t hold it in. Talk about what’s bugging you. Break on through to the other side, baby – even if it’s a emotion or situation that ain’t fun to confront.
In the end, this person that incited me ended up helping me. A lot. I got to dig a little deeper. Tbh, It was actually nice to feel such strong emotion.
And it was really nice to let it go, too.
*Not her real name.
@littlebrownbutterlfy