Sticks, stones, words as weapons – and other thoughts on toxic relationships.

I had to let go. Let go of the people that weren’t good for me anymore. What’s that word again? Toxic? Yeah, that’s the word, I guess. Peeps I thought I’d always know, would always and forever be in my life and I, in theirs. LOL. Guess again. We all know a few – the ones who use words as weapons and when things end, they end not with a whimper, but with a big, loud, alarming bang. If you’re like me, you question yourself and then doubt yourself: How did this happen? Why did this person think they could treat me this way? Why did I allow this? And then my favorite (and the best for really getting to the nitty-gritty of the situation): what in me attracted this behavior from them?

The final interaction I had with Stephanie* ended with her hanging up the phone on me, mid-conversation and subsequently sending a shitty long-winded text that ended with: “You deal with your own life. Figure it the fuck out.” So sweet and so kind! The kind of friend for which we each so desperately long. Rainbows and moonbeams all the way. The fin finale with Person Number Two ended with him saying the ever-loving words “fucking hate you” and then calling me a “sick fuck”. Weeeee! It was a like a toxic waste wonderland up in there, ya’ll!

Needless to say, I responded not, to either. When I’m done, I’m DONE.

The point here isn’t the verbiage chosen or why things ended the way they did. I’m certain (like, 200% certain) they each would tell you a very different version of our time together and the many many many issues, resentments and complaints they had with me. I’m no angel, ok?

But fuck them. This is my blog.

Anyhoo, after thinking about these endings to death (my mother says I overanalyze everything) and going through the stages of grief that accompanies loss, what I realize now is that we were just in vastly different places in our lives – or as Abraham Hicks would say – vibrationally, we just weren’t lining up. Ahem. I like to think there are some souls with whom our time runs its course and the lessons needed to be learned from each other, were. Even though things ended badly, I want each of these people to be happy, joyous and free. I really do. There comes a time when you have to let go. Let go of people. Let go of ideas and constructs that no longer serve you. Let go of love. Let go of friendships. Yada. And you know what? It’s ok – you gotta let go or be dragged. As hard as it is cut the cord, it’s way easier than being dragged around by somebody else’s bullshit, ya know?
Yeah. You do know.

What I’ve realized is The People Who Teach Us Lessons become beautiful when looked back on through a lens of love, a tiny dose of nostalgia, and a realization that forward is the only way to travel. Eventually, they will find their own, I will find mine, you will find yours. Water seeks it’s own level, so I’m told. Dylan** said it best and so, in summation, I will end with his infinite wisdom with regard to letting go and moving on to things better and brighter: “Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed. I’m not the one you want, babe. I’m not the one you need.”

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps someone. It helped me just writing it for you.

*Not her real name.

**As in Bob. As in Robert Zimmerman. As in ‘Another Side of Bob Dylan’. Give it a listen sometime why don’t ya.


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