hello friends and lovers. alrighty. rarely wrong erin and i are back this week answering more of your love/dating/relationship/sex questions. yes, we know: a bit harsh, a bit unruly and maybe not, er, exactly what you want to hear, but between us, erin + i have years of therapy, years of heartache/heartbreak/sheer joy/good sex/lame sex, et cetera under our belts so, yano, we kinda know our shit. so read. ask. and be kind to yourselves whilst out there in the wild wild world of love.
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1.
Who should text who?
Him and I always have very good conversations and he keeps his word and follows through on things. I am the one that is always initiating the texting though but he always keeps the conversations going and seems legitimately excited to be talking to me…what’s your input?
Lisa: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. i personally am not a fan of initiating convos via text to guys, but i also know that each situation is different.
Erin: I am far more concerned with your grammar than your question.
Lisa: if you ever get really bored of doing all the chasing (and let’s face it, that’s what you’re doing-) it would be an interesting experiment to lay low and actually see if this brotha reaches out to you. on his own. guys like the girls they can chase. the end.
Erin: Men are simple. If you have a legitimate reason to text him, then do so. Otherwise, let him pursue you. It’s much sexier. P.S. – grammar
2.
I’m a very happily married guy in his early 40’s with two kids. We’ve been married over ten years and are madly in love, and have an enviable relationship in terms of communication and trust. Our sex life is pretty good considering we have kids; we manage to have sex at least once every 10 days or so. Not as much as I’d like (what a shocker) but for where we are it’s good. But once in a while I look at porn online as a means of release. My wife has been okay with this in the past, but would prefer I didn’t do it. However several months ago I stumbled across a web chat room where you can watch other people’s cameras and broadcast your own. It’s totally anonymous and no one shows their faces, only neck down kind of stuff. I visited the site several times, justifying it as just another kind of porn, “live porn” if you will. There was never any one on one activity; that’s not how the site is set up – you watch several broadcasts at a time and maybe someone watches you if you were “lucky” (the female to male ratio was off the charts as you can imagine). Anyway, it started to feel like what I was doing was really gross, and after weeks of mustering up the courage, I told my wife everything. I love, value and respect her too much for it to continue.
Obviously, she was devastated. She feels betrayed, angry, and disgusted. She feels like I cheated on her and doesn’t know how to rebuild our trust. I’ve been 100% open and communicative, ready to listen and not at all defensive. I have acknowledged the pain I’ve caused and apologized profusely, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.
The question is, how can I best support her as she moves through this? What do I do? As ridiculous as it sounds, it had nothing to do with her – I wasn’t pushed away, I wasn’t unhappy or mad at her, I’m intensely sexually attracted to her – it’s not like an affair where it’s totally cut and dry cheating. I just wanted to find a new way to get my rocks off, but I’ve hurt her beyond measure and it’s killing me to see her like this.
Any insight or comments or advice would be most helpful and appreciated.
Lisa: JESUS CHRIST. since getting this question, i’ve been chomping at the fucking bit to answer it! and the tutorial on the live porn chat room – THANK YOU. well done. succinct but chock full ‘o good information! i certainly appreciated it and am i sure some of our more perverse weirdo readers will too. YAY!
Erin: If you are only having sex once every 10 days (or so), that means less than 10% of days in an entire year. That’s really depressing. I honestly don’t blame you.
Would I be mad? At the porn- no. I think it’s completely ignorant to not acknowledge that EVERY ONE of us looks/has looked/will look at porn- for a whole variety of reasons. I might be bummed if my man was in live sex chat rooms, but I also couldn’t wouldn’t go with that little sex in my life. And, I have a kid, and I get it, but still.
Although I understand how kids vacuum up time/energy/sex appeal, you owe it to each other to make intimacy a priority. I think part of making a commitment is committing to maintaining a healthy sex life, which may include: getting into foreplay to get yourself in the mood, giving a blow job when you don’t feel like having sex, keeping yourself feeling and looking sexy, and initiating physical contact. She has a part in this, too. It’s easy to forget the other person’s part when we are stuck under the guilt quilt (*guilt quilt courtesy of Fresh Meat, which you should watch- but that’s a lecture for another day).
Lisa: ANYWAY- ok. once every 10 days for sex – yikers, bro. no wonder you’re into porn. if i were in relationship/marriage, et cetera -which i’m currently, um, not- i would want to get laid at least 4-5 times a week…right? so i understand your frustration. frealz. that sucks. i’m glad you and your wife are in love and stuff, but let’s step the sex stuff up. eventually. she’s mad at you right now, so you might have to heal a few things first, but please start having more sex with your wife. porn will be less exciting if you’ve got the real pussy right there ready to go.
next off, i have to say that telling people everything is sometimes not the best idea. i know you were ‘being honest’ and all that shit, but at what price? you could have stopped the live porn chat stuff and left your wifey-poo out of it – she aint’ the judge and she ain’t the jury. what i’m trying to say is sometimes when WE are looking for relief, we hurt OTHERS unnecessarily by being too honest.
so all that being said, she needs to forgive you. i get why she is upset – as a chick, i really do – but she’s gotta let this go now. holding on to anger and resentment causes cancer and it’s unhealthy to live in a situation with someone who is mad at you all the time. fuck that shit. you did it, you owned it and now she needs to forgive you so you can both work on loving each other and having mind-blowing-porn-style-sex. ;o)
Erin: Sincerely, I hope you can work this out. Although I loathe the concept of “couples therapy,” it might be a good idea here, to diffuse the tension and provide a foundation for getting your relationship back on track. Good luck, dude.
3.
I have been dating my boyfriend of 1 year. We started dating right after he broke of his relationship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years. We see each other every Wednesday and every weekend Fri-Mon, we then stay at his place. Monday evenings I do my washing, Tuesday evenings I pack for Wed and Thursday, Thursday evenings I pack for the weekends. Is it too soon to ask if we can move in together? I know that he does not want to get married. He says I am putting him under pressure. What do I do?
Lisa: OMG, i had to read and re-read this question like 40 times. ‘washing’? what are you, amish? look, sweets, you need to fucking chill. no moving in. ugh. c’mon. he’s just out of an eight year thing. god, even i feel smothered by your schedule with him so i get why your guy is saying he feels pressure, LISTEN TO HIM. respect that. BACK OFF. furthermore, don’t you have any hobbies? anything you can do so you’re not rushing over to get into his bed every night? tip: try yoga. you need it.
Erin: I am equally smothered by your schedule. Calm down. It’s only been a year. If he says you’re pressuring him…guess what that means? You’re pressuring him! Stop! That’s a dude’s red flag warning. Also, you mention he doesn’t want to get married. I have the sneaking suspicion that you do, and are doing that lame thing that women do sometimes- ignore the truth he is giving you. When dude says he doesn’t want to get married, that is not code for, “You can change me, if you try.” It means that you’re not going to marry this guy. Also, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but we both think you’re the easy rebound chick. You are way too available with your rigorous schedule of packing and washing and packing again.
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and…more questions, more answers next week, freaks. peace + love from erin and i – to you.
©littlebrownbutterfly