Category Archives: Familiarity

uncertainty – a love story.

March 24, 2014 5:53 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

uncertain

i sit on my back porch watching the union pacific train roll by. i do this a lot. i am uncertain of where the train is going, where it even came from. but i watch it anyway, make up stories about its journey in my head. i drift off into some weird time/space reality, until i know not where i even am anymore. sigh. (before you roll your eyes at my floaty nature, know that i have the unfair advantage in life to be both an only child AND an aquarius, so, please dear reader, cut me a little fucking slack.)

uncertainty – that great pesky presence in our lives – is both a comforting and a confounding notion. no one knows anything, really – with any certainty. i don’t really like thinking about the unknown much. it hurts. it’s too painful. too wrought with scenarios of why this and why not that and why why why. too much for a sensitive little heart + soul like mine to bear. but here i am, sitting alone on the porch with uncertainty as my steadfast companion, questioning everything.

uncertainty. it’s just a word, right? yeah. ummmm, #whatever. this shit BLOWS. but having been on the planet for a while, i do my best to stay in vibrational goodness, yano, i try to stay in a place where the unknown is not a scary, subversive monster, instead choosing to reside in a place of faith (or something close to it). we all wonder what will happen next, what the future may hold. but as far as i can tell, there is no future. there is no forever, no happily ever after. just here, just now. so what is it that you are uncertain of? your career? your next meal? when you will die? when your soul mate will show up? what will happen in five years? five minutes?

who doesn’t want a definitive? a hard truth to hold on to. promises. contracts. but life provides none of these things. life is a moment to moment thing – an unknown. so today, i have decided to embrace uncertainty with wide open arms and a glad spirit. i decide today to live with reckless abandon. to love even though it hurts. to keep my heart open even though it might get broken (again). to treat every hello and every goodbye as a gift. i cry a little. i decide to go to yoga. i decide to write these words. i decide to not let uncertainty rule me. i decide to be happy without a guarantee of anything.

the train is coming by again. where it’s going, i still don’t know and where it’s going isn’t the point anyway.

nope. it’s not the point at all.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: existential crisis, familiarity, lessons, life,, love

close misses + mountaintops.

September 3, 2013 10:31 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

limy best girl gabi and i talk often about close misses – something closer to what you want, but still not. quite. right. akin to the scarier and more widely-known ‘near miss’, close misses happen all the time, in all areas of life. when applied to the topic of love relationships and DATING – which is the hell i have been living for exactly one year, three days and 27 hours now – my experience with the close miss has been both an exhaustive and extensive one. in short, dear readers, i am an expert on the subject, so yano, lucky you. the CM is most apparent with those souls we meet in our fragile journey to find love: someone you think is right/perfect/the one, but slips, falters, fades and disappears: a miss, albeit a close one. gabrielle and i talked through this idea for some time loftily, with care, examining the impact, scope and the sheer importance of the close miss. our findings:

  • -the close miss is actually a good thing. key lessons and takeaways can be extracted from each CM experience. realizing how close you’ve gotten makes it easy to grasp that perhaps the real thing is out there, does exist. is closer – just not present or in your limited field of view yet.            get it? got it? good.
  • -the CM is an indicator that you might still have some work to do, ESPECIALLY with regard to romantic relationships. look, we all get sad and fucked up when things don’t work out, but hey, in the area of love, the CM is your friend, i promise. you find the qualities and traits that are closer to what you want in a partner/friend/lover but that don’t add up and, ultimately, won’t serve you in the long run. for example: she’s cute, she’s sassy, but she sweats you down about the small shit? close, but a miss. OR: he’s a babe, dresses well, is successful, but still lives with his mom? um, close, but no cigar. MISS.

the hardest part about the close miss is that it’s a retrospective, hindsight 20/20 sort of thing. in other words, it really blows in the moment, but when we’ve moved far enough beyond it we see the lesson of why it was a miss in the first place. like an energetic truth mountain we must climb, every miss is a stepping stone that leads us closer to our summit, to the place we want to be. and who knows? perhaps one day we’ll reach the top and turn around to look upon the vast beauty of where we’ve been, seeing a valley of scattered close misses below…but the painted sky above – waiting patiently for us to climb in and begin again.

-for gabrielle t, my soul sis-star.

©littlebrownbutterfly

 

 

Posted in: existential crisis, familiarity, hope, love