oh hello there and happy fucking friday! erin and i are back and delighted to answer your pressing – and often lengthy – questions. here we go, childrenz:
Erin: Hey Lisa, how the hell has your week been?
Lisa: well, i cried my eyes out all day yesterday and subsequently, have a bit of an emotional hangover today.
Erin: Sounds awesome! Shall we distract ourselves with other people’s problems then?
Lisa: yes, i would love to distract myself with anything but the way i feel right now.
Erin: Let’s do this. (Also, I hate myself for using that expression.)
Q.
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for about 5 years and have always planned on getting married and having kids one day. I have recently seen that he has been watching a lot of adult content on the internet and constantly see him looking at other girls. I know he still fancies me and we do it all the time but how should I feel about him obviously fancying other girls too.
He even suggested the other day that it would be fun to have an open relationship so we could both try new experiences with new people while still staying together and in love. I do not want this but really dont want to lose him.
Is he being a little disrespectful and what shoudl I say to him to make him just want me?
A.
Erin: Girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he’s already in an open relationship with you. When I was 20 and a nightmare, I believe I had the same discussion with my then boyfriend. I felt it necessary to gently tell him he was already in an open relationship without actually saying those words.
Lisa: first of all, i like that you use the word “fancies.” such a great word. secondly, any motherfucker that looks at other women all the time is no one that you want to invest your time in. porn is one thing, being disrespectful in your presence is completely another. as far as threesomes, etc, i have some hippie friends that do this open relationship bullshit, and i think it’s a joke.
Erin: I’m sure somewhere out there is an open relationship that works, but it seems like more often it’s an I-want-to-still-get-laid-if-I strike-out-on-Tinder relationship. I think you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you and only you. You are worth it.
Lisa: he’s being completely disrespectful to you and your question should be, “how fast can i get out of this?”
Q.
Ladies. . . Does size really matter? And what would be a good size you’d be satisfied with? And do girls get intimidated if it’s too big?
A.
Lisa: OMG THE BIGGER THE BETTER!
Erin: Bitch, there is definitely such a thing as TOO BIG. And intimidated is not the right word, but ladies know what will or will not fit.
Lisa: brother, seriously, THE BIGGER THE BETTER!
Erin: Lisa, why do you have to make it all incest-y with “brother.” I disagree, I think that it’s not about the largess of the penis, but the overall shape and compatibility with the receptacle. Wow, I just grossed myself out by calling the vagina a receptacle.
Lisa: ok erin, whatever, my receptacle likes them big.
Erin: Basically, don’t stress about the size of your junk. It’s probably going to feel different for every woman.
Q.
I have a friend that is in an international long distance relationship that I’m jealous of. She’s also very confident about her life in general. I’m also in a good local relationship right now. Whenever I talk to her my self-esteem takes a dive when she mentions anything that reminds me of her relationship. I also feel bad about myself when she sounds so confident about her future plans when I don’t feel so confident about my own. I want to be her friend, but I can’t be supportive or talk to her without feeling crappy. Is there anything I can do?
A.
Erin: Your “local” relationship can’t be that good if you spend this much time and energy comparing it to hers. The real issue is your self-esteem, not hers.
Lisa: as someone who is currently in an “international long-distance relationship” myself, i’m jealous that your boyfriend is in the same town as you.
Erin: OMG, Lisa, do you think this is one of your friends writing in about you?
Lisa: goddamn erin, it could be me! my advice will be the same either way- don’t spend time with people who make you feel badly about yourself. period.
Erin: Yes, but she also needs to figure out why she is so jealous. It doesn’t sound like this friend is going out of her way to make her feel badly. She can’t go axing out every friend that has something good going on or who has decent self-esteem. Unless, she would like to end up with a bunch of friends with even bigger self-esteem problems who are also miserable.
Lisa: hmm, good point erin. look, we need to be happy for other people and their joy. start practicing happiness for your friend, even if you don’t mean it right now. fake it until you make it, bitch.
Erin: What you can do is go to therapy. You’re always going to be unhappy if you don’t fix this self-esteem issue.
…
and that’s it from here, that’s it for now. i’m going back into the land of existential crisis. or maybe not; i’m getting bored with that. per usual, if you have a question, please submit to erin. carry on.
©littlebrownbutterfly