“And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”
― J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey
…
there is no rest for the wicked and there is no rest for me on this night. i’m alone. again. it’s 1am? 1:30? i alternate my way between two works of literature – infinite jest by david foster wallace (my second time through) – and salinger’s franny and zooey, a book i consider an old friend at this point (i’m approaching my 100th read). i think about my life, what i’m doing, where i’ve been and where, oh where all of this will lead. uh huh. and all that multiplied + magnified by 1000. yeah. i know. exhausting.
and then i realise i’m getting ahead of myself. i go back to reading. my mind eventually wanders to him. he makes me happy. he makes me want to do better. he makes me feel safe. love makes me sad. i go back to salinger, looking for clues, searching for answers that will help, will enlighten, will soothe. but instead i just find words on a page: black, white. in between the lines is where i prefer to read anyway, because in between the lines is where the answers surely are. i pause to reflect on this. i cry a little. i decide everything will be okay.
i write a note to myself on the title page of franny and zooey, sure that salinger would approve: ‘lisa, there are no answers, only what you do not know. enjoy.’
i take myself to bed. i shift thoughts around. i smile a little knowing that for today, i’ve done alright. for today, at least, i have loved. and what could we ever do in this life more important than that?
exactly.
©littlebrownbutterfly
(thanks to amanda panda elmore for the groovy franny and zooey book art)