Erin: Hey girl, it’s been a minute since we did the last one. How you doing?
Lisa: well erin, i’m nearly healed from a horrific cycling accident that happened a week ago. i’m amazed at the body’s ability to recover.
Erin: That’s what you get for getting all Tour De France on us. But, I’m glad you’re ok. Since it’s been about month since our last Ask Erin and Lisa!, I have pulled the oldest questions from the crevices of the inbox.
Lisa: ok, bitch, let’s clear those spider webs.
Q.
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now.
This time last year he was moody and would blow hot and cold, I recently discovered that that was because of seasonal affective disorder. We have a really good relationship, we never argue and have the same goals in life etc.
In May 2013, I moved in with him pretty much and he went off work with work related stress due to his job. I supported him through that and helped him move in June 2013.
In Aug 2013, we hit our first relationship hurdle where he became very distant and asked me to move out because he felt a bit smothered. However during this I left him alone and he hooked up with a girl.
Within 2 weeks of me moving out he came crawling back and started inviting me out and back over.
The horrendous then happened in September 2013, he had a very bad car accident where I was called to the scene and he now has severe whiplash and scarring over his body.
I moved back in and we have got back together.
I knew he still had contact with this girl and that they were friends and I confronted him about it in December and he said they’re just friends and that there’s no need to worry, he wants me and not her. We didn’t argue and it was civilized.
I accepted it although I feel awful and down about it and he knows it upsets me.
Now this girl keeps trying to invite him around every week to play cards. I act okay with it because I don’t want to control him but he always asks if I’m okay with it and he says thank you and he promises to text me constantly when he’s there, which he does. When I’m with him he isn’t rude and doesn’t text anyone much.
It’s breaking me, am I being insecure?
He’s talking about planning things with me but I wish she wouldn’t contact so much.
A.
Lisa: ok, so this guy has a bunch of weirdo disorders, cheated on you, and totally disrespects how you feel. what the fuck is the question?
Erin: Hold on, I’m on google trying to figure out if playing cards is a euphemism for having sex. It’s so hard to keep up with that urban dictionary. Ok, here we go. According to internet authorities, to “play cards” can be a euphemism for masturbation or a “weed session” with 2 or more people.
Lisa: hey erin, there’s a phone app for urban dictionary. download that shit. as for the question, you’re not being insecure. it seems like to me you’re trying to justify this guy’s BAD BEHAVIOR. fuck him and his card playing mistress, bitch. listen to your intuition, it’s talking to you really loudly.
Erin: I think it’s fair to say that someone with work-related stress, seasonal affective disorder, and questionable fidelity, is not a great catch. By the time you mentioned your “first relationship hurdle,” I believe you had reached your tenth. Based on how you describe the situation, it is my opinion that you will continue to attract people who treat you like a doormat. And, sadly, the more accepting/pliant/forgiving you are with these types, the more they will feel compelled to walk all over you. When I was young and a nightmare and behaving poorly in relationships, the more submissive/passive the guy was, the worse my behavior got. It’s an ugly thing, and as a reformed asshole, I can tell you, the sooner you address your self-esteem issues, the sooner you will begin to attract men that are far healthier than old whiplash card player.
Q.
I met this guy about a week ago and I really liked him but he had a girlfriend so I didnt think anything of it. Two days later he wanted to have sex with me and we started hooking up. I told him i wasn’t going to do anything else with him if he was still with his girl and he didnt seem to care. So we hooked up a few more times and the fourth time he wanted to have sex with me and I said no and he wouldnt listen. He held my hands above my head so I couldnt grab his hands and when i got my hands loose he wouldnt get off of me. I finally got up and left. The next day he did it to me again and I started to get fed up. His girlfriend found out and dumped him. He got pissed at me and blamed it all on me. I said sorry and asked him how I could make it up to him and he said have sex with me. I said to him I wanted to because I really did like him but I dont know what I want anymore. I told him thats he bases everything thing on sex wether or not hes in a relationship with that person. He hung up on me and called me the next morning and when i picked up he hung up again. He keeps calling me but I havent answered his calls. What should I do?
A.
Erin: All jokes aside for this one. I feel that you are probably a young girl, based on the way this question is presented. It breaks my heart that a young woman apologizes to some asshole who basically tried to date rape her. The fact that he has no respect for anyone’s boundaries, be they emotional or physical, is alarming to say the least. And not to start some big debate, but this question is indicative of the rape culture we have all come to passively accept. I implore you to stay the fuck away from this piece of walking shit. I also implore you, through school, an older women you trust, or a counselor, to get some help in cultivating skills that will prevent you from finding yourself in a similar situation in the future.
Lisa: what you should do is not answer his calls. based on what you have said in your question, you were the victim of sexual assault. that being said, there is help available. i encourage you to call the national sexual assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE and i wish you all the best in your healing. you are courageous by writing in and asking erin and i this question and i want you to have courage again and call that number.
Erin: For anyone that needs help or has questions pertaining to incest, sexual assault, rape, date rape, or harassment there is a ton of information and help available through RAINN.
Q.
I’ve been seeing this girl for nearly three years. at the beginning she was a godsend — came along at a time when i really needed someone who understood some very specific things i was going through (vague enough for you?) she did understand and she was very accomodating. Also, she had gone through a bad break-up and had a lot of family problems, which i know i’ve been able to help her with. so, ya know, very mutually beneficial relationship. the thing is that lately she talks about marriage, she talks about knowing i’m the one and i do not feel the same way. there is almost nothing i can say that is bad about her, but what kind of relationship is that, right?
i’ve been agonizing over this for a few months now. i keep flip-flopping. what if i’m just not being honest with myself and I DO want to marry her? or what if i’m wasting her time and mine with this flip-flopping?
the bottom line is — i’m trying to think this through clearly and it’s become darn near impossible. if you have any nifty trick questions that could give me a new perspective on this situation, i’d sure appreciate it.
A.
Lisa: this is one of the best, most clearly written questions that i feel we have ever received for ask erin and lisa.
Erin: Yes, this is a clear question and there is a clear answer. Let her go. You’re not an asshole. She’s just not the one. And you both deserve to find the right one.
Lisa: because i like this question so much, i’m gonna play along with your request for a nifty trick question…riddle me this: can you imagine being in love with someone that you feel excited about and compatible with and COULDN’T WAIT to marry? the answer to this riddle is to stop imagining and go find what you want.
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Alright, we’ve basically told everyone today to move on and find someone new. It’s Summer! Get outside, have fun, be safe. (Use a condom!) To ask a question, use the form on the top right of Erin’ page. All questions will be answered (eventually and with some care). xoxo
@littlebrownbutterfly