Erin: Alright, Lisa, We have a limited amount of time to do this because you have to go get your “hair did.” So. let’s jump right in.
Lisa: ok.
Q.
There is a man i have been emotionally cheating with for a while now.
I met him at the local pub my partner and i go to regularly. From the first time we met, i remember how we locked eyes and there was definately some spark there, if nothing else at least physical attraction.
As the months went on we would flirt a LOT with each other, my partner was there all along, but we would do it discreetly, i do however think there is at least one staff member that knows we have a connection. Also this man that is flirting with me is the manager of this pub. He is always winking, raising eyebrows, brushing against me when walking past, running into me “accidently” etc. He even gave my dad a free drink one night to give to me, that i am not sure if he was just being polite because we are regulars there or was he trying to drop extra hints.
I started really thinking about him a lot and a couple months ago slipped him a note with my phone number and he sent me a text message the next day and we have been in contact via messages and phone calls ever since. They are very explicit and personal.
Some days we talk for hours at a time when we can and can send 100s of messages within a matter of hours!
He has openly told me that he has a girlfriend and has cheated on her in the past and has also been caught. He told me he wants to pursue something with me but is scared of getting busted and is worried i might open my mouth.
He has made it clear that he wont leave his girlfriend and that everything is happy at home or at least it appears to be.
Sometimes he says we should cool things off as in the phone calls and messages and then we start all over again, we hardly go a few days without contact.
We talk about the time we like to spend together and all the sexual things we would like to do to each other.
I have tried to get him out of my head and i just cant, he has such a strong hold on me and we havent even spent any time together outside of work. We have talked and decided we were going to catch up but never actually arranged anything.
He is VERY worried about getting caught, he mentions it all the time.
For me to do this is very out of character as i have always believed cheating on someone is the lowest thing you can do.
However i dont want to blame this on my partner but he has lied to me for the first 10 months of our 12 month r/ship.
He has 2 kids and was living with them and his so called ex gf when he met me and kept denying it and still does until this day.
he has hurt me a lot and i dont trust him although he is promising me not to lie anymore to me and he is doing ok with that but i feel no shame or guilt with what i am doing it at all.
Is this normal? Like i said this is very out of character for me.
I cant get this other man out of my head, we have stopped going to the pub as i just cant bare to see him anymore, its just to much, all i want is to be in his arms.
Please help, any advice
Thank you
By the way i am 23 female from australia
A.
Erin: The answer is simple, considering your final post script to this lengthy question, “by the way i am 23 female…” You are 23 years old, in a relationship with someone who sounds like a sketchy dude (who already has 2 kids), “emotionally cheating” with an even sketchier dude. Why not get out of the relationship you’re in and find someone who is not as sketchy as the 2 dudes you’re wasting your time and mind with now? Girl, you need to wise up.
Erin: But, I digress…
Lisa: “worried i might open my mouth?!” that’s the most offensive thing i’ve seen in one of these questions so far. i don’t even know where to begin with this one. oh wait, yes i do – YOU ALL SOUND TOTALLY CRAZY. why would you want to cheat with a bar manager who most likely plays this game with every willing and desperate woman who enters the bar? raise your standards at least. it seems to me you were all unhappy and created diversions with each other, so you don’t have to deal with your own issues.
Erin: This whole pu pu plater of sketchiness you all have going on reminds me why I am so happy that I am not 23 years old.
Lisa: i don’t know, i mean, you’ve already emotionally cheated, so just go ahead and fuck the guy, i guess – get it over with already.
Q.
I am looking for some advice on how to end a friendship? Nothing major has happened in the friendship, which makes this even harder.
I have just been realizing over the past year or so that this girl is not the kind of person I want to spend time with anymore. She is bossy and rude- and admits to it! I am just changing in a lot of ways, and find that she is not fitting in to the type of lifestyle that I want for myself.
I am very non-confrontational, so lately I have just been blowing her off, hoping she will take the hint. But she hasnt. How do I do this?? I dont want to hurt her feelings, but I just dont really want to be her friend anymore.
Any advice?
A.
Lisa: yeah. people grow in different directions sometimes. these are good things i think- change in evolution- anyway i loathe confrontation, too. i’d just keep pulling the “friend fade.” she’ll get the hint.
Erin: Honestly, I would be likely to fade out, as well. However, if she asks you directly, you can be kind and honest. And tell her that her personality makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay. You don’t have to be friends with everyone on the playground.
Q.
Hi,
I got dumped by my ex 5 months ago after a 3 year relationship. Tried the usual pleading for a few days and got nowhere. Then I went into strict NC to heal myself. I havent spoken to her in 5 months. I suspect there was another guy involved at some point.
I have been healing slowly but surely and had accepted my need to move on. I hadnt been thinking about her that much lately and suddenly a letter pops through my door stating she still loves me and wants me back etc.
My problem is that she really hurt me and I am just not sure if it’s right to go back and open myself to that again. I havent replied in any form as yet.
I do still have feelings for her but I guess I am nervous and wonder if she is just looking for re-assurance for now after finding that the grass isnt so green after all.
Any thoughts or advice ?
A.
Erin: It took me a minute to decode NC, because all I could think about was NC-17, which led me down a whole path of trying to remember all of the movies that received an NC17 rating. However, my sleepy brain finally caught on that you meant “no contact.” Alright, I think you are better off letting this one go. I have been that girl, the one that’s messed up and comes back to try again. No good can come of it. You need to take care of yourself. Re-opening a door that shut for a reason, will likely not produce a better result the second time around. Just trust me. Write her back and send her off with love and closure.
Lisa: if you suspect there was another guy, there was definitely another guy and she dumped you for him. the heart is a fragile thing. i would keep to your commitment to nc and let this bitch graze on whatever grass her ass can find, but not your lawn. keep it lush for someone else. stay away.
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We did it, with short and questionably sweet answers. We’ll be back next week to answer more of your questions. If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care and, as always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo
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