Author Archives: The Trouble With Lisa

Kismet.

January 20, 2015 11:59 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

kismet

I was having one of THOSE spells. You know the ones: hours spilling into days, days turning into weeks, weeks turning into Oh-My-Fucking-God-What-Am-Doing-With-My-Life, why am I alone, when will the oyster beget a pearl, everything is not going according to plan – Oh my God, I’m slowing dying and I can’t see my way out of this.

You know, THAT.

Over PEI mussels and Americanos, I told my bestie Chella that I was um, “worried about myself” and that in fact, I might actually be “fading away”. This happens to me occasionally when I spend inordinate periods of time alone. I’m an only child so shit can get away from me real quick-like, especially in the form of that little unit of measurement that human beings call “time”. Anyway, she told me to meet her that night at her place, 8PM, that we were going to a party. “Don’t ask questions, just show up, Lisa.” I was so happy to be going anywhere with anyone that I’d have gone to the Gates of Hell if that’s where she’d suggested we go that night, k? So:

It always happens when you aren’t looking. Isn’t that what every annoying motherfucker who is already in a relationship says? Comforting words? No. Super exasperating? Uh, yes. But that’s how it happened this time, for me – with my best pal, at a party, acting the fool, being totally ridiculous, being myself. Laughter and then locked eyes… kismet, not coincidence. “Surprise, surprise, Lisa – you’ve been asking, we’ve been listening. Here ya go, don’t fuck it up!”

So yeah, okay Universe – I’m listening, too. And this time – this time, I won’t.

This time is gonna be different.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: love

One night stands, stood up + she’s pullin’ the fade, brah.

November 20, 2014 2:53 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

AEAL

Erin: Hey Lisa, how’s the first polar plunge/arctic express of the season treating you?

Lisa: Um, actually I’m about to head to Lululemon to get some new running gear and this weather is perfect for shopping.

Erin: You do you. Well, all I know is that no matter what I’m doing today, I am for sure freezing my ass off. Anyway, we’ve got problems to solve….

1.
Should I tell him?
My bf and I broke up about a month ago. Earlier this week I had a one night stand with a guy I knew for about 3 weeks. We used a condom, we didn’t even kiss or have oral sex. Now I am back with my bf and we don’t use protection. I don’t know what to do. I practiced safe sex and just to be on the safe side I’m going to get tested Monday. Should I tell my bf about my one night stand or should I not mention unless I find out I have something. Thank you for your advice in advance.

Lisa: Well, I haven’t been laid in a month…so mazel tov to that. IF YOU WERE BROKEN UP, YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL YOUR BF ANYTHING. REPEAT, DON’T FUCKING SAY A WORD.

Erin: Yeah, you were broken up and you practiced safe sex, so I don’t think you should bring it up. If he asks, you absolutely need to be honest. (Who knows? He may have also had a one night stand while you were broken up.)

Lisa: You didn’t even kiss the guy you had a one night stand with? Impressive!

Erin: It’s like Julia Roberts, in Pretty Woman…

2.
Blah I have a sick feeling after what I call being stood up. This guy asked me out. He was an old friend from high school, that I knew and might have dated a few years ago had I not been in love with another guy. So he calls me Tuesday night, and asks if I would like to do something Friday when he got off work. I said sure, and asked if he would like to come to my house for pizza, and talk and catch up. Kind of like a reacquaintance get together. Nothing serious, just a casual evening with an old friend. He said that sounded great to him, and he seemed excited about getting together . He was to come over tonight after he went home and showered and changed clothes.
He calls me after he got off work, and says to me as follows:

” I can’t come over tonight. Some friends and I are going to the lake tomorrow and I have things to do to get ready for that.”

I was speechless, and the only thing I could muster at the moment was a surprised ” ohh ? “

At which point he says to me . “well if it rains tomorrow and my friends and I can’t go to the lake, I will give you a call.”

The only thing I could say was , “Ok, and you have a good evening, bye bye”

I didn’t ask any questions as to WHY can’t you come on over for a little while, or try to persuade anything. He was the one that had been asking me out. I was excited that I was going to get a chance to re-aquaint, and just have a fun evening talking.
This made me get a totally sick feeling when he backed on on me. Just like a young school girl getting stood up by a date. I guess thats kind of weird coming from a 38 yr old woman. I guess its not actually being stood up, since he did at least call. I guess you would just call it cancelling the date.
I just felt it was quite insensitive of him to back out on our getting together at the last minute. It made me feel like his trip to the lake tomorrow was the priority, and getting his fishing gear together. He only wants to get together tomorrow if it rains them out from the lake trip. Am I over reacting? Should I get together with him tomorrow if his lake trip is cancelled? I tend to want to just say forget it and not bother with it. It felt like he totally ” took the wind out of my sail. Thoughts and comments would be appreciated.

A.
Erin:
Dear Lake Dude,

RUN, RUN, RUN.

Dear Needy Lady,

This was a casual get together. You called it that. If you are this hung up on his behavior before you’ve even had a “get-together” then he is really not the guy for you. Your expectations are way too high. It is not even clear to me if this guy wanted to hang as friends or for dating/sex. Although, many could argue that no straight man is calling to hang out on a Friday night at your house for friendship.

Lisa: I agree with Erin. It sounds like your expectations were way our of whack on this one. I obviously don’t know too much because I am still single etc., but here’s what I do know – if a guy wants to see you, he will fly to the goddamn moon, if that’s where you are. So, you were right about not being a priority – you aren’t one. Don’t answer if this asshole calls you again.

Erin: Well, to be fair, we don’t really know if he’s an asshole. You haven’t even been on one date yet, and that’s a lot of pressure for something so casual.

3.
Me and my GF have been together for nearly two months, and she just doesn’t seem bothered to meet up with me anymore. We used to work together so meeting up wasn’t a problem, we used to wait around until our shifts finish, go for a drink or a movie.

I told her that I was worried we wouldn’t see each other when she left, but she always assured me that we would.

Anyway, it’s only our first week since she left and when will I be seeing her next? Maybe friday if she isn’t too hungover from going out with her friends the night before. Now, sure I accept the fact she’s going out with friends, that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is the fact that she appears to be totally uninterested in spending time with me.

It’s weird because right after we see each other, she sends me sweet messages about how she had a fantastic time, she misses me already etc. I’ve even asked her if she wants a bit of space, but she says no.

And something I’ve noticed over the last week or so, she barely can be bothered to text me anymore. This morning I messaged to tell her that I wasn’t feeling good so I couldn’t go to work. She didn’t even reply. She doesn’t reply unless she’s got something to ask, and even in her replies, she’s being really blunt with me.

Am I reading too much into this? I really don’t want to become a boyfriend of convenience.

A.
Lisa: She ain’t that into you anymore. Like I told our friend who got stood up in our previous question – in my experience, if someone wants to be with you/see you/spend time with you, they will. I once (ok, recently) had a guy that I didn’t even know that well fly all the way from Switzerland to the states to see me. Get it?

Erin: I disagree. first of all, we don’t know what the new job is and what her current responsibilities are. Maybe she can’t look at her phone all day, and when she can her messages have to be brief. Because she’s busy. Because she has a life, outside of you, which is healthy. Second, this is 1 week out you said, slow down on the paranoia. If this continues, then you can calmly express yourself, without sounding like a needy dude. Maybe, we can hook you up with the lady from the previous question?

Lisa: I disagree with everything Erin said. She’s pulling the fade. You’ve been warned.

Erin: I don’t know, these people and their demands give me anxiety.

 

 

Have a burning question about love, dating, or pizza? Use the form on the top right of Erin’s the page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. Until next time….xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

Idiots and anger.

November 4, 2014 4:59 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

angry

I’m pretty chill. But the other day, some Stupid Fucking Nitwit* made me INCREDIBLY angry. Was it her tone? Was it the asinine request? Whatever the trigger, all of the sudden I couldn’t think. Rage filled my body. All I could see was black and red. I wanted to rip her arms off. I wanted to claw her eyes out. I wanted blood. Instead though, I held back (most of) my rage and incredulously exited the scene (stage right). I stewed over this incident for days. DAYS, OKAY? I tried to understand where she was coming from. I tried to see her point. More anger. Her point was ridiculous. She was on the wrong side of me and, as my grandfather used to say, “that’s not a good place to be.” Um, no, it’s not. I can be rather vicious when pushed hard/far enough. Not really a place I like to visit too often, but still, it exists.

Anyway.

Although I consider myself pretty mellow yellow and operate with yoga brain most of the time, I can be triggered like we all can and, yano, lose my shit. So, I called my team of BF’s: Moya, Erin, Chella and Bonnie. We talked it out. I worked through why I was so angry. My pals listened and offered their invaluable feedback and I finally got that what I was angry about had nothing to do with this ignoramus. It had to do with me. I’m not a super confrontational person and most of the time I try not let anger in – like a duck, I let that shit roll right off. But maybe too much shit, you know? I guess I’d gotten into this mindset that anger is not useful or it’s bad or I’m too evolved to participate in such low-level emotional responses. HA. And then, like a gift, there it was – my anger – handed to me on a silver platter.

It’s okay to get angry. Stay there all day if you need to. Or a few days, like I did. But figure it out. Find out why. Feelings buried alive never die – I personally believe that holding BS in can make you sick – like with cancer and shit. Don’t hold it in. Talk about what’s bugging you. Break on through to the other side, baby – even if it’s a emotion or situation that ain’t fun to confront.

In the end, this person that incited me ended up helping me. A lot. I got to dig a little deeper. Tbh, It was actually nice to feel such strong emotion.

And it was really nice to let it go, too.

*Not her real name.

@littlebrownbutterlfy

Posted in: lessons, life,

OkStupid, Gucci-love + Stay out of it.

October 9, 2014 11:15 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

Gucci baby.

Erin: Hey LisaLisa, how’s your October going?

Lisa: Slow and steady wins the race, Erin.

Erin: OK then! Let’s answer these questions, because we’ve got a couple long ones.

Lisa: Ok bitch, let’s get to it.

Q.
Hello I’m female age 29. I met a guy online (okcupid). I messaged him first because I’d seen him on my visitors list quite a few times and no I don’t have provocative pic or anything like that. I messaged him and we’ve talked on the phone, texted/IM every day since and that was three months ago. He’s funny, charming, caring, educated, goal oriented, and a good listener.

He lives in Ireland, age 28 with parents, works as an engineer and he’s not so experienced with romantic relationships, but I am having second doubts about him because initially he came on strong but I wanted to take things slow and he agreed. He woos me with his charm and great sense of humor. A month into I let him know that I liked him (mind you he always told me how much he liked me etc and that he had plans to visit America). Something happened because he cooled off from chatting to me after I told him my feelings. He began to text/message less. I asked if he was okay and if he started talking to someone else, he said no. We get some things straightened out and he asked me what I would like for us to be and I told him that I wasn’t sure and it was still early but I like him and he agreed too saying he didn’t know what he wanted.

I still sense that he is apprehensive about us because we don’t communicate as much and I find him to be somewhat secretive about his life. I asked him a couple of weeks ago where this was going and he said that he’s not sure but that he likes me and enjoy getting to know me. That’s fine but I feel like we’re moving at a snail’s pace. I’d like to know more about his life although he seems normal enough but you never know.

He works at a temp job for his company and won’t find out if he goes back to being permanent until December and that’s when he’ll know/start planning his trip to America. I’m afraid of getting my heart broken and wasting my time getting to know him when he is probably looking for an online buddy. We still text/IM everyday and he phones once a week. I’ve never called him because I don’t feel comfortable.

I’ve sensed another change in him lately like he’s been a little more sensitive and even accused me of making fun of him when sick and he offered to buy me music although international tax isn’t cheap. We have been communicating a lot more recently but I’m still scared of getting hurt. He tells me that I over think things too much and not to worry and to trust him.

I like him and I’m worrying if I should wait it out for the December decision on his job? He no longer writes me erotica and he’s a great writer and this has me wondering if he’s writing it to someone else too and he’s stopped talking romantically to me (weeks ago), would this be a red flag too? My first and last relationship lasted eight years and I broke up with late last year for cheating. I’m not that experienced in this. Am I being paranoid? Do you think he’s going slow(I really don’t mind) because of his inexperience and cultural differences?
Thank you

A.
Lisa: Um, okay, Um, okay, OMG. A budding/new relationship is hard no matter what, but sister, you met this guy on OkStupid, he lives across an ocean, and he’s pulling back a bit. I’m sure he’s cute and educated and all that, but seriously, can’t you find someone in your own zip code to obsess over?

Erin: I am so exhausted by your weird cyber relationship/non-relationship, I barely have the strength to answer these questions. Yes, you are wasting your time. Yes, there are many red flags. I have no idea if he is “cheating” or writing erotica to other women he has met online. It’s irrelevant why he’s acting the way he is acting. But, girlfriend, please date in the real world, and move on from your pen pal.

Lisa: YOU DON’T KNOW THIS PERSON! YOU’VE NEVER MET HIM! HE IS A FANTASY. If he actually comes to see you, great. In the meantime, focus on something other than a “relationship” that isn’t real.

Erin: Lastly, I will never understand the correlation you made in this sentence: “I’ve sensed another change in him lately like he’s been a little more sensitive and even accused me of making fun of him when sick and he offered to buy me music although international tax isn’t cheap.” Good luck

Q.
This might be an unusual question, but have you ever had friends who just seemed to drag down your self esteem?

I am friends with two gals — a rich gal and a poor gal, and needless to say being the middle class girl that I am, I just feel like I really don’t fit in with either one of them!!

When I hang out with the rich gal I feel inferior– especially when I listen to her talk about her Gucci handbags or her new Mercedes, or a piece of expensive jewelry her husband bought for her birthday, etc.

My rich friend always says she likes people no matter what their background or wealth, but judging by the way she brags, I almost feel like she is deliberately making me feel worthless or inferior!!

She also pissed me off big time one day when I met her for lunch and she saw that I was wearing a long, very nice looking leather coat. She could not take her eyes off it, but instead of paying me any compliments about it, she said: “See? You CAN look good when you want to.”

What the hell is that supposed to mean???

Anyway when I hang out with my other friend, the poor chick, I feel disgusted by her red neck/white trash ways and I begin to feel that by hanging out with her, it sort of makes me de-facto white trash too.

For example, my Red neck/White trash friend will talk about her latest tattoos. In her family, anytime somebody is born or somebody dies, the family members all get a tattoo to remember the date– like how redneck is that????

Also… one time I visited her at the trailer park in which she lives. If seeing the run down trailers and the cars up on cement blocks was not bad enough, it was when I met her sister and her husband and saw that they were both missing their front teeth, that I thought: “OMG!! What the hell am I doing here, socializing with these people???? These people need to be on Jerry Springer!!”

Anyway… have you ever been friends with someone of a different socio-economic class than yourself?

If so how did you handle it?

I really do like both of my friends but I just feel like total crap sometimes when I hang out with either one of them.

A.
Erin: First of all, you yourself are pretty damn judge-y of your friends. You paint a pretty bleak picture of both of them. Maybe to your “rich friend” you act or dress “white trash.” And maybe, to your “poor friend” you act like a “rich gal.” They both sound awful according to your descriptions, so either they really are and you should get new friends or you are a judgmental bitch. I have friends from all socioeconomic backgrounds and I don’t really think about it. I have friends that are into different things than I am, and I guess I never relate it to how they grew up or how much money they have.

Lisa: Wow, do you ever hang out with them together? Now THAT would be some Jerry Springer shit. I grew up in the deep south, so I understand the poor people no teeth thing. I also understand the rich people scenario AND I personally own several Gucci purses. Ahem. Anyway, you can be friends with whomever you want, no matter what their socioeconomic status, but what are you actually gaining by being friends with them? If you feel like “crap” it’s a sign that something’s not right. Maybe you’ve just outgrown both of them? Pull the hard fade with both these bitches and find new friends with people who are more on your level.

Erin: I’m still trying to figure out if Jerry Springer is still on the air…

Q.
My exboyfriend cheated on me with this woman, then we separated but stayed in contact in all ways even intimately, i didn’t know him and her were together and they just got married. We had sex 2 weeks before the wedding. Do I tell her?

A.
Lisa: Tell her what? That her new husband is a skank-ass motherfucker? No, stay out of it.

Erin: I agree. Stay out of this mess. And stop all contact, including intimate contact. They deserve each other, assuming she knew he was with someone else when they first hooked up.

Phew, we did it. Another round of questions in the bag. Don’t shoot the messengers! If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of Miss Rarely Wrong Erin’s page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden.
xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

The Interim.

October 2, 2014 6:38 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

Until.

There are books to read. Poetry to be devoured. Dreams to be remembered. All in the waiting. It’s not so bad. There will be another. Another better, another who is a mirror. Until then, long walks alone. Time. Laughs with friends. Words to be written. Countries to visit. Tequila to drink. Drives to be taken. Work to be done. It is okay. Until the one. Until the seeker becomes the one being sought. After Monday, Tuesday. Who were you yesterday? The same, but different. There is music to melt into. Music will save you. Always. Listen loudly. Tangled Up In Blue. Remember that one. Daydream. Fall backwards. There are oceans to swim in. Miles to run. Museums where nothing exists except beauty. Dancing. There are woods to wander in. Bikes to be ridden up hills and then down so fast your breath you can hardly catch. Until then, until him. Mountains to ski, valleys to rest. There is someone. Somewhere. Out there. For you.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, hope, love

Work is weird, she’s insecure + ‘separated’ ain’t divorced.

September 15, 2014 2:08 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

engaged

Erin: Well, well, well. I guess Summer is unofficially over and almost officially over, Lisa. How do you feel about the new season and the new iPhone?

Lisa: As you know, my Aquarian nature thrives on change, and yes I’m getting the new fucking iPhone.

Erin: Yeah, September 21st I can upgrade, and sadly I am a total slave to the Apple dealer. But, we digress. It’s been awhile, we are back to real life. Let’s answer some questions.

Q.
I had a meeting with my boss today. I have been working at my job for about 14 days.
He just wanted to touch base with me and how I am feeling about working at this job. we talked a little. I have basically been learning ojt training in an office that could use some improvement in organization It is stressful but I think that I am handling it well.

my boss kind of hinted that one fo the employees came to him about a situation in which they saw me talking with my “trainer” about something and they thought that that my attitude was negative or that I had a negative vibe. He brought this up to me because his office is a very close office of “girls” and he doesnt want them to feel like there is stress going on. he told me that the person was concerned that i wasnt smiling enough and wasnt happy.

I just got out of a really bad job environment. this new job at least I thought was a godsend to me. Granted that I am stressed because everything is foreign to me, I often admit that I am not aware of my facial expressions and they don’t really reflect what I am feeling on the inside. I actually enjoy working there most of the time. I like the girls and even though I dont really know them I thought that my behavior was appropriate.

I was completely taken aback by the fact that someone went up to him and said it. I am consistently open to feedback. I dont like to step on anyones toes at all, and would like to fit in as well. I am somewhat intimidated by the fact that I am the ” new girl” and being a reserved person I’m not one to fully open up for a bit. It’s intimidating that I’m now working in an office where everyone is close except me.

I really dont know what to do. I am hurt to the point of wanting to cry. I am trying to do the best that I can, but am not too thrilled about people judging me when I have been at the job for about 2 weeks. My boss kind of hinted and I at least got the impression that he would like me to change. Reserved as I am I am also succint. I am honest with people and straightforward and wish that people would do the same.

In a way, I’m very confused now. I’m hurt because the person who had the issue didnt really tell me about it. I had to hear it from my boss. Also when I tell him about my quirks, he tells me that a trait of my personality wont work in the office. I’m very confused. Why did he hire me in the first place. Is he telling me that I have to change my personality what about the people who work there already? I understand that there are some adjustments that need to be made, and it’s really too early to make assumptions about anyone and who they are. I dont do that but it seems like some in my office already have. Isint change a 2 way street compromise is about working in the middle? I definitely know who I am and dont really feel that this is all me. I dont know what to do. I want to tell my boss that I was hurt but I dont know what to do. This is eating me up inside. Please help.

A.
Erin: I first need to address the way you vacillate between all lowercase and then proper capitalization. It’s really confusing. Pick a team.

OK. Now, I get that you were caught off guard and I understand that it may be annoying that someone mentioned this to your boss. Unfortunately, in life, people expect certain behavior, especially in the workplace. Don’t run and tell your boss how “hurt” you are. Take this commentary for what it is and honestly look at how you may be perceieved. Although annoying, being aware of how you come across is KEY to making it in almost every industry. No matter what you do, essentially, on some level, with very few exceptions, everything is about selling yourself. I don’t mean selling yourself as in prostitution, I mean proving/showing how valuable your skills are.

Lisa: That’s great advice, Erin, however, there is a little catch phrase in the workforce these days called “corporate culture.” To me, it sounds like you might not be a culture fit with this organization. Having said that, I once had a job in radio, and I worked with all these stupid smiley sorority bitches. It was very hard for me, because that isn’t my personality. You said you actually enjoy working there, most of the time, so if i were you, I would try to stay with that feeling, keep your chin up, and be yourself. If working within this organization isn’t the right fit, i’m sure you will be able to land a job where your worth is more valued.

Q.
I have a problem with being insecure in relationships. This past weekend, I got insecure when I thought my boyfriend was ‘checking out’ another girl. We discussed it and he denied it and I realize now that I was overreacting.

The problem is – he now thinks that I’m a very jealous insecure person and he’s freaked out.

Any advice on how to stop being insecure and to mend things with my boyfriend.

A.
Lisa: So, you’re admitting to being insecure. BIG, HUGE, first step, sister. Listen, this may be all on you, but it may not. I was recently with an asshole who I felt insecure with, too. I don’t know why, I just did – it was a feeling. I just didn’t trust him and you know what? I was right about him; it turns out he was an untrustworthy person. So, i understand where you’re coming from. It seems like maybe you might need to work a little on yourself before you start hanging your shit on someone else, though. If he is ‘all freaked out’, whatever with him. Find someone who is understanding of your character defects and can help you heal, not rub salt on the wound. Real relationships operate on trust and understanding. (Unless of course, you are some batshit crazy psycho person.)

Erin: The bottom line is trust. Whether or not you don’t trust him because of your baggage or his behavior is really irrelevant, because unless there is trust, the relationship is doomed. I do think that people, both men and women, look at other people, even when they are in a happy relationship. That does not mean that they are looking to cheat, will cheat, or have cheated. Again, you need the trust there, so that when your significant other may or may not be noticing an attractive (or unattractive) person, it really won’t matter. If he’s with you, it’s probably because he wants to be with you. One last thing, no matter what, nothing will drive someone away faster than freaking out/getting jealous about seemingly insignificant things.

Q.
I’ve started dating this girl who’s married, but separated from her husband a few months ago after a long time of counselling etc and it not working. She hasnt loved him for a long time, has taken off her ring etc. I get the impression she’s leaving him for being an a-hole, but dont know details really yet.
They can’t get divorced for another year as they’ve not been married long enough yet.
Is dating her cheating? Adultery? Could it affect her divorce settlement? (She wants divorce, he doesnt)?
I’m completely new to all this, never having married or been in anything like this situation b4
Thanks!

A.
Erin: I am not a family law expert, but I’m pretty sure you can get a divorce whenever. Lawyer friends? Help me out here. Anyway, maybe she is waiting for that 10 year mark, so she receives more alimony? Does it really matter? She is married. This sounds like a truly unhealthy situation to get yourself wrapped up in. If you are just in it for the sex, then whatever, I guess. The onus of responsibility is on her and what she says the status of her relationship is. However, I would never suggest that you get emotionally involved with someone who has so much unravelling left to do.

Lisa: RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THIS SITUATION. A few years ago, I started dating a guy who was separated, too. He lived in his own apartment, but still the papers had not been signed. It was a bad idea all around, because as Erin said, there was a lot of unravelling that still needed to be done. The ex-wife was a total fucking nightmare and interjecting myself in that situation caused me a lot of trauma and grief. As for the cheating question, you’re not the one married, so no. Best of luck to you – I understand ;o)

…

Alright bitches, we’re done. We will be back again next week, pinky swear, to answer more of your burning and itching questions. If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of Miss Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

the substance of scars.

August 20, 2014 7:44 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

scars

Scars. They begin after an injury. A natural form of healing, they come after an accident, a broken heart, a mishap of some kind. If you’ve been on the planet for a bit, you probably have at least one or two you got when you were a kid, haphazardly trying to navigate some dangerous new thing. There are those kind for sure, but then there are the ones we cannot see: emotional scars that we keep hidden, buried so deeply we don’t even recognize ourselves as the walking wounded.

I had so much hope.
I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again.
It hurts.

Scars.

When I fell off my bike and onto the pavement, my two front teeth broke off. I felt them force into my top lip, making a jagged slice; he was half a mile in front and didn’t even know I’d fallen.

Why was he so far ahead?
Why wasn’t he riding beside – or at least nearer – to me?
Why was I facedown on the ground, tasting my own blood, alone?

The ER. Stitches. “Time heals.” Fuck you.

My Scar.

Every day it gets better. It’s growing fainter and fading. But I know. I know it will always be there – a little two inch reminder of what happened, of what once was.

A reminder of how hard it sometimes is…to fall.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: biking, lessons, life,, love

just do it, the friend fade + green green grass.

August 8, 2014 12:03 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

greengreengrass
Erin: Alright, Lisa, We have a limited amount of time to do this because you have to go get your “hair did.” So. let’s jump right in.

Lisa: ok.

Q.
There is a man i have been emotionally cheating with for a while now.
I met him at the local pub my partner and i go to regularly. From the first time we met, i remember how we locked eyes and there was definately some spark there, if nothing else at least physical attraction.

As the months went on we would flirt a LOT with each other, my partner was there all along, but we would do it discreetly, i do however think there is at least one staff member that knows we have a connection. Also this man that is flirting with me is the manager of this pub. He is always winking, raising eyebrows, brushing against me when walking past, running into me “accidently” etc. He even gave my dad a free drink one night to give to me, that i am not sure if he was just being polite because we are regulars there or was he trying to drop extra hints.

I started really thinking about him a lot and a couple months ago slipped him a note with my phone number and he sent me a text message the next day and we have been in contact via messages and phone calls ever since. They are very explicit and personal.
Some days we talk for hours at a time when we can and can send 100s of messages within a matter of hours!

He has openly told me that he has a girlfriend and has cheated on her in the past and has also been caught. He told me he wants to pursue something with me but is scared of getting busted and is worried i might open my mouth.
He has made it clear that he wont leave his girlfriend and that everything is happy at home or at least it appears to be.

Sometimes he says we should cool things off as in the phone calls and messages and then we start all over again, we hardly go a few days without contact.
We talk about the time we like to spend together and all the sexual things we would like to do to each other.
I have tried to get him out of my head and i just cant, he has such a strong hold on me and we havent even spent any time together outside of work. We have talked and decided we were going to catch up but never actually arranged anything.
He is VERY worried about getting caught, he mentions it all the time.
For me to do this is very out of character as i have always believed cheating on someone is the lowest thing you can do.
However i dont want to blame this on my partner but he has lied to me for the first 10 months of our 12 month r/ship.
He has 2 kids and was living with them and his so called ex gf when he met me and kept denying it and still does until this day.
he has hurt me a lot and i dont trust him although he is promising me not to lie anymore to me and he is doing ok with that but i feel no shame or guilt with what i am doing it at all.
Is this normal? Like i said this is very out of character for me.
I cant get this other man out of my head, we have stopped going to the pub as i just cant bare to see him anymore, its just to much, all i want is to be in his arms.

Please help, any advice
Thank you
By the way i am 23 female from australia

A.
Erin: The answer is simple, considering your final post script to this lengthy question, “by the way i am 23 female…” You are 23 years old, in a relationship with someone who sounds like a sketchy dude (who already has 2 kids), “emotionally cheating” with an even sketchier dude. Why not get out of the relationship you’re in and find someone who is not as sketchy as the 2 dudes you’re wasting your time and mind with now? Girl, you need to wise up.

Erin: But, I digress…

Lisa: “worried i might open my mouth?!” that’s the most offensive thing i’ve seen in one of these questions so far. i don’t even know where to begin with this one. oh wait, yes i do – YOU ALL SOUND TOTALLY CRAZY. why would you want to cheat with a bar manager who most likely plays this game with every willing and desperate woman who enters the bar? raise your standards at least. it seems to me you were all unhappy and created diversions with each other, so you don’t have to deal with your own issues.

Erin: This whole pu pu plater of sketchiness you all have going on reminds me why I am so happy that I am not 23 years old.

Lisa: i don’t know, i mean, you’ve already emotionally cheated, so just go ahead and fuck the guy, i guess – get it over with already.

Q.
I am looking for some advice on how to end a friendship? Nothing major has happened in the friendship, which makes this even harder.

I have just been realizing over the past year or so that this girl is not the kind of person I want to spend time with anymore. She is bossy and rude- and admits to it! I am just changing in a lot of ways, and find that she is not fitting in to the type of lifestyle that I want for myself.

I am very non-confrontational, so lately I have just been blowing her off, hoping she will take the hint. But she hasnt. How do I do this?? I dont want to hurt her feelings, but I just dont really want to be her friend anymore.

Any advice?

A.
Lisa: yeah. people grow in different directions sometimes. these are good things i think- change in evolution- anyway i loathe confrontation, too. i’d just keep pulling the “friend fade.” she’ll get the hint.

Erin: Honestly, I would be likely to fade out, as well. However, if she asks you directly, you can be kind and honest. And tell her that her personality makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay. You don’t have to be friends with everyone on the playground.

Q.
Hi,
I got dumped by my ex 5 months ago after a 3 year relationship. Tried the usual pleading for a few days and got nowhere. Then I went into strict NC to heal myself. I havent spoken to her in 5 months. I suspect there was another guy involved at some point.

I have been healing slowly but surely and had accepted my need to move on. I hadnt been thinking about her that much lately and suddenly a letter pops through my door stating she still loves me and wants me back etc.

My problem is that she really hurt me and I am just not sure if it’s right to go back and open myself to that again. I havent replied in any form as yet.
I do still have feelings for her but I guess I am nervous and wonder if she is just looking for re-assurance for now after finding that the grass isnt so green after all.

Any thoughts or advice ?

A.
Erin: It took me a minute to decode NC, because all I could think about was NC-17, which led me down a whole path of trying to remember all of the movies that received an NC17 rating. However, my sleepy brain finally caught on that you meant “no contact.” Alright, I think you are better off letting this one go. I have been that girl, the one that’s messed up and comes back to try again. No good can come of it. You need to take care of yourself. Re-opening a door that shut for a reason, will likely not produce a better result the second time around. Just trust me. Write her back and send her off with love and closure.

Lisa: if you suspect there was another guy, there was definitely another guy and she dumped you for him. the heart is a fragile thing. i would keep to your commitment to nc and let this bitch graze on whatever grass her ass can find, but not your lawn. keep it lush for someone else. stay away.

—

We did it, with short and questionably sweet answers. We’ll be back next week to answer more of your questions. If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care and, as always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

the guy is a joker, a serious question + riddle me this.

July 31, 2014 12:07 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

joker

Erin: Hey girl, it’s been a minute since we did the last one. How you doing?

Lisa: well erin, i’m nearly healed from a horrific cycling accident that happened a week ago. i’m amazed at the body’s ability to recover.

Erin: That’s what you get for getting all Tour De France on us. But, I’m glad you’re ok. Since it’s been about month since our last Ask Erin and Lisa!, I have pulled the oldest questions from the crevices of the inbox.

Lisa: ok, bitch, let’s clear those spider webs.

Q.
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now.
This time last year he was moody and would blow hot and cold, I recently discovered that that was because of seasonal affective disorder. We have a really good relationship, we never argue and have the same goals in life etc.
In May 2013, I moved in with him pretty much and he went off work with work related stress due to his job. I supported him through that and helped him move in June 2013.
In Aug 2013, we hit our first relationship hurdle where he became very distant and asked me to move out because he felt a bit smothered. However during this I left him alone and he hooked up with a girl.
Within 2 weeks of me moving out he came crawling back and started inviting me out and back over.
The horrendous then happened in September 2013, he had a very bad car accident where I was called to the scene and he now has severe whiplash and scarring over his body.
I moved back in and we have got back together.
I knew he still had contact with this girl and that they were friends and I confronted him about it in December and he said they’re just friends and that there’s no need to worry, he wants me and not her. We didn’t argue and it was civilized.
I accepted it although I feel awful and down about it and he knows it upsets me.
Now this girl keeps trying to invite him around every week to play cards. I act okay with it because I don’t want to control him but he always asks if I’m okay with it and he says thank you and he promises to text me constantly when he’s there, which he does. When I’m with him he isn’t rude and doesn’t text anyone much.
It’s breaking me, am I being insecure?
He’s talking about planning things with me but I wish she wouldn’t contact so much.

A.
Lisa: ok, so this guy has a bunch of weirdo disorders, cheated on you, and totally disrespects how you feel. what the fuck is the question?

Erin: Hold on, I’m on google trying to figure out if playing cards is a euphemism for having sex. It’s so hard to keep up with that urban dictionary. Ok, here we go. According to internet authorities, to “play cards” can be a euphemism for masturbation or a “weed session” with 2 or more people.

Lisa: hey erin, there’s a phone app for urban dictionary. download that shit. as for the question, you’re not being insecure. it seems like to me you’re trying to justify this guy’s BAD BEHAVIOR. fuck him and his card playing mistress, bitch. listen to your intuition, it’s talking to you really loudly.

Erin: I think it’s fair to say that someone with work-related stress, seasonal affective disorder, and questionable fidelity, is not a great catch. By the time you mentioned your “first relationship hurdle,” I believe you had reached your tenth. Based on how you describe the situation, it is my opinion that you will continue to attract people who treat you like a doormat. And, sadly, the more accepting/pliant/forgiving you are with these types, the more they will feel compelled to walk all over you. When I was young and a nightmare and behaving poorly in relationships, the more submissive/passive the guy was, the worse my behavior got. It’s an ugly thing, and as a reformed asshole, I can tell you, the sooner you address your self-esteem issues, the sooner you will begin to attract men that are far healthier than old whiplash card player.

Q.
I met this guy about a week ago and I really liked him but he had a girlfriend so I didnt think anything of it. Two days later he wanted to have sex with me and we started hooking up. I told him i wasn’t going to do anything else with him if he was still with his girl and he didnt seem to care. So we hooked up a few more times and the fourth time he wanted to have sex with me and I said no and he wouldnt listen. He held my hands above my head so I couldnt grab his hands and when i got my hands loose he wouldnt get off of me. I finally got up and left. The next day he did it to me again and I started to get fed up. His girlfriend found out and dumped him. He got pissed at me and blamed it all on me. I said sorry and asked him how I could make it up to him and he said have sex with me. I said to him I wanted to because I really did like him but I dont know what I want anymore. I told him thats he bases everything thing on sex wether or not hes in a relationship with that person. He hung up on me and called me the next morning and when i picked up he hung up again. He keeps calling me but I havent answered his calls. What should I do?

A.
Erin: All jokes aside for this one. I feel that you are probably a young girl, based on the way this question is presented. It breaks my heart that a young woman apologizes to some asshole who basically tried to date rape her. The fact that he has no respect for anyone’s boundaries, be they emotional or physical, is alarming to say the least. And not to start some big debate, but this question is indicative of the rape culture we have all come to passively accept. I implore you to stay the fuck away from this piece of walking shit. I also implore you, through school, an older women you trust, or a counselor, to get some help in cultivating skills that will prevent you from finding yourself in a similar situation in the future.

Lisa: what you should do is not answer his calls. based on what you have said in your question, you were the victim of sexual assault. that being said, there is help available. i encourage you to call the national sexual assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE and i wish you all the best in your healing. you are courageous by writing in and asking erin and i this question and i want you to have courage again and call that number.

Erin: For anyone that needs help or has questions pertaining to incest, sexual assault, rape, date rape, or harassment there is a ton of information and help available through RAINN.

Q.
I’ve been seeing this girl for nearly three years. at the beginning she was a godsend — came along at a time when i really needed someone who understood some very specific things i was going through (vague enough for you?) she did understand and she was very accomodating. Also, she had gone through a bad break-up and had a lot of family problems, which i know i’ve been able to help her with. so, ya know, very mutually beneficial relationship. the thing is that lately she talks about marriage, she talks about knowing i’m the one and i do not feel the same way. there is almost nothing i can say that is bad about her, but what kind of relationship is that, right?
i’ve been agonizing over this for a few months now. i keep flip-flopping. what if i’m just not being honest with myself and I DO want to marry her? or what if i’m wasting her time and mine with this flip-flopping?
the bottom line is — i’m trying to think this through clearly and it’s become darn near impossible. if you have any nifty trick questions that could give me a new perspective on this situation, i’d sure appreciate it.

A.
Lisa: this is one of the best, most clearly written questions that i feel we have ever received for ask erin and lisa.

Erin: Yes, this is a clear question and there is a clear answer. Let her go. You’re not an asshole. She’s just not the one. And you both deserve to find the right one.

Lisa: because i like this question so much, i’m gonna play along with your request for a nifty trick question…riddle me this: can you imagine being in love with someone that you feel excited about and compatible with and COULDN’T WAIT to marry? the answer to this riddle is to stop imagining and go find what you want.
—
Alright, we’ve basically told everyone today to move on and find someone new. It’s Summer! Get outside, have fun, be safe. (Use a condom!) To ask a question, use the form on the top right of Erin’ page. All questions will be answered (eventually and with some care). xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

norway, pt. 1.

July 28, 2014 5:48 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

norway

her own indifference became refreshing. he’s not there, he’s not there, he’s not there. and then they were nowhere. the sun, the heat, the sirens, the newest revision of the latest revision. gaza and israel won’t stop and neither will we. flares, explosions and gunfire. and then the white flag took too long and then it meant nothing. where are you? where did you go? i couldn’t find you so i had to disappear too and here i thought the long thought of thinking those days of unannounced departures were over. but nothing is really ever over. a continuation of a continuation, a postscript that is applicable to everything. the long goodbye. raymond chandler. i understand the title now. thank you. problematic preclusions. words. she’s not there. neglect never breeds respect. sometimes island and someone else. but norway remains and we are not broken.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: existential crisis, hope