Category Archives: Dating

just do it, the friend fade + green green grass.

August 8, 2014 12:03 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

greengreengrass
Erin: Alright, Lisa, We have a limited amount of time to do this because you have to go get your “hair did.” So. let’s jump right in.

Lisa: ok.

Q.
There is a man i have been emotionally cheating with for a while now.
I met him at the local pub my partner and i go to regularly. From the first time we met, i remember how we locked eyes and there was definately some spark there, if nothing else at least physical attraction.

As the months went on we would flirt a LOT with each other, my partner was there all along, but we would do it discreetly, i do however think there is at least one staff member that knows we have a connection. Also this man that is flirting with me is the manager of this pub. He is always winking, raising eyebrows, brushing against me when walking past, running into me “accidently” etc. He even gave my dad a free drink one night to give to me, that i am not sure if he was just being polite because we are regulars there or was he trying to drop extra hints.

I started really thinking about him a lot and a couple months ago slipped him a note with my phone number and he sent me a text message the next day and we have been in contact via messages and phone calls ever since. They are very explicit and personal.
Some days we talk for hours at a time when we can and can send 100s of messages within a matter of hours!

He has openly told me that he has a girlfriend and has cheated on her in the past and has also been caught. He told me he wants to pursue something with me but is scared of getting busted and is worried i might open my mouth.
He has made it clear that he wont leave his girlfriend and that everything is happy at home or at least it appears to be.

Sometimes he says we should cool things off as in the phone calls and messages and then we start all over again, we hardly go a few days without contact.
We talk about the time we like to spend together and all the sexual things we would like to do to each other.
I have tried to get him out of my head and i just cant, he has such a strong hold on me and we havent even spent any time together outside of work. We have talked and decided we were going to catch up but never actually arranged anything.
He is VERY worried about getting caught, he mentions it all the time.
For me to do this is very out of character as i have always believed cheating on someone is the lowest thing you can do.
However i dont want to blame this on my partner but he has lied to me for the first 10 months of our 12 month r/ship.
He has 2 kids and was living with them and his so called ex gf when he met me and kept denying it and still does until this day.
he has hurt me a lot and i dont trust him although he is promising me not to lie anymore to me and he is doing ok with that but i feel no shame or guilt with what i am doing it at all.
Is this normal? Like i said this is very out of character for me.
I cant get this other man out of my head, we have stopped going to the pub as i just cant bare to see him anymore, its just to much, all i want is to be in his arms.

Please help, any advice
Thank you
By the way i am 23 female from australia

A.
Erin: The answer is simple, considering your final post script to this lengthy question, “by the way i am 23 female…” You are 23 years old, in a relationship with someone who sounds like a sketchy dude (who already has 2 kids), “emotionally cheating” with an even sketchier dude. Why not get out of the relationship you’re in and find someone who is not as sketchy as the 2 dudes you’re wasting your time and mind with now? Girl, you need to wise up.

Erin: But, I digress…

Lisa: “worried i might open my mouth?!” that’s the most offensive thing i’ve seen in one of these questions so far. i don’t even know where to begin with this one. oh wait, yes i do – YOU ALL SOUND TOTALLY CRAZY. why would you want to cheat with a bar manager who most likely plays this game with every willing and desperate woman who enters the bar? raise your standards at least. it seems to me you were all unhappy and created diversions with each other, so you don’t have to deal with your own issues.

Erin: This whole pu pu plater of sketchiness you all have going on reminds me why I am so happy that I am not 23 years old.

Lisa: i don’t know, i mean, you’ve already emotionally cheated, so just go ahead and fuck the guy, i guess – get it over with already.

Q.
I am looking for some advice on how to end a friendship? Nothing major has happened in the friendship, which makes this even harder.

I have just been realizing over the past year or so that this girl is not the kind of person I want to spend time with anymore. She is bossy and rude- and admits to it! I am just changing in a lot of ways, and find that she is not fitting in to the type of lifestyle that I want for myself.

I am very non-confrontational, so lately I have just been blowing her off, hoping she will take the hint. But she hasnt. How do I do this?? I dont want to hurt her feelings, but I just dont really want to be her friend anymore.

Any advice?

A.
Lisa: yeah. people grow in different directions sometimes. these are good things i think- change in evolution- anyway i loathe confrontation, too. i’d just keep pulling the “friend fade.” she’ll get the hint.

Erin: Honestly, I would be likely to fade out, as well. However, if she asks you directly, you can be kind and honest. And tell her that her personality makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay. You don’t have to be friends with everyone on the playground.

Q.
Hi,
I got dumped by my ex 5 months ago after a 3 year relationship. Tried the usual pleading for a few days and got nowhere. Then I went into strict NC to heal myself. I havent spoken to her in 5 months. I suspect there was another guy involved at some point.

I have been healing slowly but surely and had accepted my need to move on. I hadnt been thinking about her that much lately and suddenly a letter pops through my door stating she still loves me and wants me back etc.

My problem is that she really hurt me and I am just not sure if it’s right to go back and open myself to that again. I havent replied in any form as yet.
I do still have feelings for her but I guess I am nervous and wonder if she is just looking for re-assurance for now after finding that the grass isnt so green after all.

Any thoughts or advice ?

A.
Erin: It took me a minute to decode NC, because all I could think about was NC-17, which led me down a whole path of trying to remember all of the movies that received an NC17 rating. However, my sleepy brain finally caught on that you meant “no contact.” Alright, I think you are better off letting this one go. I have been that girl, the one that’s messed up and comes back to try again. No good can come of it. You need to take care of yourself. Re-opening a door that shut for a reason, will likely not produce a better result the second time around. Just trust me. Write her back and send her off with love and closure.

Lisa: if you suspect there was another guy, there was definitely another guy and she dumped you for him. the heart is a fragile thing. i would keep to your commitment to nc and let this bitch graze on whatever grass her ass can find, but not your lawn. keep it lush for someone else. stay away.

—

We did it, with short and questionably sweet answers. We’ll be back next week to answer more of your questions. If you have a question for us, use the form on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care and, as always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

the guy is a joker, a serious question + riddle me this.

July 31, 2014 12:07 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

joker

Erin: Hey girl, it’s been a minute since we did the last one. How you doing?

Lisa: well erin, i’m nearly healed from a horrific cycling accident that happened a week ago. i’m amazed at the body’s ability to recover.

Erin: That’s what you get for getting all Tour De France on us. But, I’m glad you’re ok. Since it’s been about month since our last Ask Erin and Lisa!, I have pulled the oldest questions from the crevices of the inbox.

Lisa: ok, bitch, let’s clear those spider webs.

Q.
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now.
This time last year he was moody and would blow hot and cold, I recently discovered that that was because of seasonal affective disorder. We have a really good relationship, we never argue and have the same goals in life etc.
In May 2013, I moved in with him pretty much and he went off work with work related stress due to his job. I supported him through that and helped him move in June 2013.
In Aug 2013, we hit our first relationship hurdle where he became very distant and asked me to move out because he felt a bit smothered. However during this I left him alone and he hooked up with a girl.
Within 2 weeks of me moving out he came crawling back and started inviting me out and back over.
The horrendous then happened in September 2013, he had a very bad car accident where I was called to the scene and he now has severe whiplash and scarring over his body.
I moved back in and we have got back together.
I knew he still had contact with this girl and that they were friends and I confronted him about it in December and he said they’re just friends and that there’s no need to worry, he wants me and not her. We didn’t argue and it was civilized.
I accepted it although I feel awful and down about it and he knows it upsets me.
Now this girl keeps trying to invite him around every week to play cards. I act okay with it because I don’t want to control him but he always asks if I’m okay with it and he says thank you and he promises to text me constantly when he’s there, which he does. When I’m with him he isn’t rude and doesn’t text anyone much.
It’s breaking me, am I being insecure?
He’s talking about planning things with me but I wish she wouldn’t contact so much.

A.
Lisa: ok, so this guy has a bunch of weirdo disorders, cheated on you, and totally disrespects how you feel. what the fuck is the question?

Erin: Hold on, I’m on google trying to figure out if playing cards is a euphemism for having sex. It’s so hard to keep up with that urban dictionary. Ok, here we go. According to internet authorities, to “play cards” can be a euphemism for masturbation or a “weed session” with 2 or more people.

Lisa: hey erin, there’s a phone app for urban dictionary. download that shit. as for the question, you’re not being insecure. it seems like to me you’re trying to justify this guy’s BAD BEHAVIOR. fuck him and his card playing mistress, bitch. listen to your intuition, it’s talking to you really loudly.

Erin: I think it’s fair to say that someone with work-related stress, seasonal affective disorder, and questionable fidelity, is not a great catch. By the time you mentioned your “first relationship hurdle,” I believe you had reached your tenth. Based on how you describe the situation, it is my opinion that you will continue to attract people who treat you like a doormat. And, sadly, the more accepting/pliant/forgiving you are with these types, the more they will feel compelled to walk all over you. When I was young and a nightmare and behaving poorly in relationships, the more submissive/passive the guy was, the worse my behavior got. It’s an ugly thing, and as a reformed asshole, I can tell you, the sooner you address your self-esteem issues, the sooner you will begin to attract men that are far healthier than old whiplash card player.

Q.
I met this guy about a week ago and I really liked him but he had a girlfriend so I didnt think anything of it. Two days later he wanted to have sex with me and we started hooking up. I told him i wasn’t going to do anything else with him if he was still with his girl and he didnt seem to care. So we hooked up a few more times and the fourth time he wanted to have sex with me and I said no and he wouldnt listen. He held my hands above my head so I couldnt grab his hands and when i got my hands loose he wouldnt get off of me. I finally got up and left. The next day he did it to me again and I started to get fed up. His girlfriend found out and dumped him. He got pissed at me and blamed it all on me. I said sorry and asked him how I could make it up to him and he said have sex with me. I said to him I wanted to because I really did like him but I dont know what I want anymore. I told him thats he bases everything thing on sex wether or not hes in a relationship with that person. He hung up on me and called me the next morning and when i picked up he hung up again. He keeps calling me but I havent answered his calls. What should I do?

A.
Erin: All jokes aside for this one. I feel that you are probably a young girl, based on the way this question is presented. It breaks my heart that a young woman apologizes to some asshole who basically tried to date rape her. The fact that he has no respect for anyone’s boundaries, be they emotional or physical, is alarming to say the least. And not to start some big debate, but this question is indicative of the rape culture we have all come to passively accept. I implore you to stay the fuck away from this piece of walking shit. I also implore you, through school, an older women you trust, or a counselor, to get some help in cultivating skills that will prevent you from finding yourself in a similar situation in the future.

Lisa: what you should do is not answer his calls. based on what you have said in your question, you were the victim of sexual assault. that being said, there is help available. i encourage you to call the national sexual assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE and i wish you all the best in your healing. you are courageous by writing in and asking erin and i this question and i want you to have courage again and call that number.

Erin: For anyone that needs help or has questions pertaining to incest, sexual assault, rape, date rape, or harassment there is a ton of information and help available through RAINN.

Q.
I’ve been seeing this girl for nearly three years. at the beginning she was a godsend — came along at a time when i really needed someone who understood some very specific things i was going through (vague enough for you?) she did understand and she was very accomodating. Also, she had gone through a bad break-up and had a lot of family problems, which i know i’ve been able to help her with. so, ya know, very mutually beneficial relationship. the thing is that lately she talks about marriage, she talks about knowing i’m the one and i do not feel the same way. there is almost nothing i can say that is bad about her, but what kind of relationship is that, right?
i’ve been agonizing over this for a few months now. i keep flip-flopping. what if i’m just not being honest with myself and I DO want to marry her? or what if i’m wasting her time and mine with this flip-flopping?
the bottom line is — i’m trying to think this through clearly and it’s become darn near impossible. if you have any nifty trick questions that could give me a new perspective on this situation, i’d sure appreciate it.

A.
Lisa: this is one of the best, most clearly written questions that i feel we have ever received for ask erin and lisa.

Erin: Yes, this is a clear question and there is a clear answer. Let her go. You’re not an asshole. She’s just not the one. And you both deserve to find the right one.

Lisa: because i like this question so much, i’m gonna play along with your request for a nifty trick question…riddle me this: can you imagine being in love with someone that you feel excited about and compatible with and COULDN’T WAIT to marry? the answer to this riddle is to stop imagining and go find what you want.
—
Alright, we’ve basically told everyone today to move on and find someone new. It’s Summer! Get outside, have fun, be safe. (Use a condom!) To ask a question, use the form on the top right of Erin’ page. All questions will be answered (eventually and with some care). xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

he ain’t that into you, she has a kid + the perils of being socially awkward

June 26, 2014 11:19 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

buzzzErin: Hey bitch, it’s been awhile. How’s life?

Lisa: (Lisa lets out a deep sigh.) so far, so good, bitch. i bought a new cannondale road bike and i’m on a professional cycling team now. lots of changes. i’m also doing a diet called “the whole 30,” so i’m hangry a lot of the time. how are you doing, miss erin?

Erin: Other than this horrible summer cough, that may or may not be consumption, I’m swell. I have fished out the oldest questions from the inbox, as they’ve been lingering there far too long.

Lisa: ok good, because i’ve missed us.

Q

I‘ve been talking to a guy I like a lot from another state. He’s in Florida and I’m in Connecticut. We’ve been talking for 2 months now and a couple days ago he stops replying/won’t answer any of the new texts I send. He only has an instagram, I have him added on there. He’s liked and uploaded pictures since the 2 days have passed.
Our ages are 19 and 26. I know that seems a little old for me but we have a lot in common and he’s amazing! He does like me too and I know he isn’t catfishing me. Don’t worry. And we aren’t together. Am I being too clingy or what?
I’m just a bit confused and want some advice.
Thank you for the answers.

A

Lisa: if that guy has stopped responding, a- he’s just not that into you, and b- he’s not that amazing.

Erin: I am 100% sure that the dude is hiding something, be it a girlfriend/occupation/true identity/true name etc. You’ve never met him. What we don’t know is if you have video chatted/talked on the phone etc. Maybe the dude on instagram who you thunk you’ve been talking to, doesn’t even know you, because you are indeed being cat-fished.

Lisa: i think you’re infatuated with the idea of who this person might be. whatever you do, DON’T REACH OUT AGAIN because if he doesn’t respond and you’re chasing his ass, it’s YOUR self-esteem that’s taking a hit. trust me.

Erin: The bottom line- move on. It doesn’t matter why he’s not responding.

Q

hello,

I’ll come straight to the point. My girl-friend whom I met a little over a month ago has a two year old son from a previous relationship. In the beginning everything was fine but after about two weeks the first doubts started creeping in on my part whether I would be able to accept another man’s child in my life and whether I could live with this. Feelings of jealousy, frustration and anger took hold of me. Jealous… at a two year old kid who NEEDS his mum. I don’t know how I can have these feelings or where they stem from. I feel awful having these feelings as I see myself as a good person. I also find them very unfair toward my girl-friend and her two year old son. Is it normal for a man to have these feelings and can he ever get rid of them?

When I see the kid (who happens to be very sweet) I don’t see it as my girl-friend’s but as the child of another man. I just cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that the woman I love has had a child by another man. I feel I am ready to have children myself, I just don’t want another man’s kids.
The kid still sees his dad when his dad has time to see him and, so I’ve heard, is a good dad.

I’m getting fed up talking to my girl-friend about these feelings of jealousy, frustration and anger and I don’t know if she is the right person to talk to. She is very understanding but obviously does not want to hear the things I am saying to her because they, not surprisingly, stab her right through the heart.

Sometimes I feel I need to finish the relationship because when I think of the ‘enormity’ of the situation I seem to stop functioning. Of course, I like my girl-friend (insofar one can say I love her after one month).

I just want to come to terms with my feelings. Am I being too much of a martyr? Am I being selfish?

A

Erin: Do this woman, and more importantly this child, a favor and end this. Let her find a relationship with a man who can be a man and handle the situation. Don’t fuck up their dynamic by inserting tiny seeds of resentment against an innocent child. Trust me, the kid will pick up on this. It does wonders for the self-esteem in those formative years. I fully understand that it is a complicated situation, which is why you shouldn’t treat it lightly.

Lisa: i don’t necessarily think you are being selfish or a martyr, but i think this probably isn’t the relationship for you. i mean, if she had a haircut you didn’t love or wasn’t as fit as you would prefer her to be, those things can be changed. but she has a living, breathing extension of herself that she is responsible for. so don’t overthink it too much. regardless of why and all that other shit, it doesn’t sound like you can handle the kid thing. move on and give her the chance to find someone who can.

Q

Should I break up with my boyfriend because he is socially awkward?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We’ve been going through a rough patch lately and talking about problems we have and if we can work through them or not. There’s one thing in particular that I keep thinking about though: he’s socially awkward/rude.

It seems that we’re opposites when it comes to our social lives. Having a social life is very important to me. Whenever I bring him to family functions he stays quiet and constantly stays on his phone, he makes no effort to socialize even when I try to include him in conversation. I’m afraid to have him around my friends, mostly political reasons, he’s conservative and can be very judgmental of people, while most of my friends are more liberal. Even just the two of us going out together can be embarrassing; if one thing goes wrong or he doesn’t get to do what he wants, he’s in a sour mood for the rest of the day.

Basically I’m sick of him getting grumpy when he feels awkward if things don’t go his way and I don’t want to keep having to explain his odd actions to my family and friends.

I’m wondering if it’s selfish of me to allow this to be the deal breaker in our relationship.
Can these type of people change, should I help him work on it?
Or should I just move on with my life?

A

Erin: To get to the point and answer your specific questions: No, it’s not selfish of you to allow this to be the deal breaker. He sounds like a fucking wet blanket. It has been my experience that these types of people do not readily change. I don’t think you should help him work on it. And, yes, you should move on with your life. Don’t waste time with someone who you feel “afraid” to bring around friends and family. Your relationship should be the LEAST STRESSFUL part of your life.

Lisa: in preparation for this question, i took this buzzfeed quiz, which informed me that i am moderately socially awkward.

Erin: OMG, I need to take this test now, because I have been abstaining from BuzzFeed quizzes and this is a perfect freebee. Hold, please.

Lisa: while erin’s taking this quiz, my boyfriend has been telling me that i’m socially awkward, which i take great offense to, because i love people and will talk to just about everyone.

Erin: Ok, I’m back. First, Lisa, I’ve known you for 10 years. You are an oddball and a free spirit, but I don’t ever think of you as socially awkward. And now, the results of my test are…… “Congratulations, you are not awkward at all.”

Lisa: the other issue is he’s a crotchety conservative and you are a lovely liberal, so there’s a great divide between your ideals.

Erin: Anyway, you slice it, this sounds like a poor match. Get out and move on.

Alright, we’ve basically told everyone today to move on and find someone new. It’s Summer! Get outside, have fun, be safe. (Use a condom!) To ask a question, use the form on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually and with some care). xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

#AskErinAndLisa – straight girl crush, beards are better + lose the loser.

May 28, 2014 4:48 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

beardsandgirls

Erin: Hey Lisa Lisa, how you doing?

Lisa: hey erin, i’m hanging on by a thread. you know, the usual lisa limmons. drinking coffee, looking out my window, and i’ve already seen 5 teslas go by.

Erin: Thank God you’ve had coffee! Also, yes, I know the usual Lisa Limmons, oh so well. You ready?

Lisa: yeah bitch, let’s do this.

Q.

Please help! This is going to be lengthy but I really need advice – how do I get over this straight girl crush?

My feelings have subsided a bit since the crush materialized about a year ago but part of it is still there. I’ve had a terrible crush on another woman but there’s no way I would ever be with her. We are in completely different stages in life. She’s 42, married to a man and they have three kids together (one minor, two adults). I’m 24, single with no kids and starting out as a young professional. I’m a lesbian, but I’m feminine and I haven’t told her my sexuality. To be honest, I think she could be bisexual but I’m not really sure.

We met through work. She has flirted a few times in the past, but I think it’s just a part of her personality. For example:

She’s told me that if she ever leaves her husband it’ll be for another woman

I’ve noticed her long glances at me (like when I’m looking at a menu or watching tv). When I asked her what’s up she didn’t say anything

She insisted we sleep in the bed together although I offered to take the couch (nothing happened of course)

She once called me at work to chat and told me she didn’t have panties on (wth!). We fell into a giggle-fest but who does that?

In a different phone call, she told me her husband was coming in town for the weekend and asked did I want to have an orgy (***!) I just laughed it off and acted like it was a joke (still don’t know if she was joking or not. Either way it didn’t happen)

She just moved out this week, but previously for about six months she was staying in my second bedroom three days a week since she travels for work. On her last night here, we again slept in the same bed. I slept on my side facing away from her. After awhile I felt her move her leg against mine. Now mind you, we’ve slept together countless times before and we’ve never made physical contact. Every time I consciously slept far away from her b/c I know I’m attracted to her and didn’t want to put myself through the torture.

Again nothing happened, but it was a complete mind-f**k. I wanted to climb on top of her, kiss her and feel her inside of me.

I thought that when she moved out it would be a victory for me – I thought I’d keep my integrity, put distance between us and move on with her out of sight and out of mind, but we still have lots of contact.

We went to lunch together yesterday, and at the end I told her that I would be under the radar for a while. She asked “what do you mean, towards me?” I told her yes and she got very upset and sent me a scathing email about me leaving people who have been there for me. Then she basically called and told me she’s not going anywhere.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to come out to her because I’m not confident she’ll keep it to herself. I don’t want to tell her the reason I can’t be around her is because I’m crushing hard (it’ll be nothing more than an ego boost for her).

I think what attracted me to her was the ‘forbidden nature’ of this friendship. She’s not technically my boss, but she is the manager of my career development program and could get in trouble if anyone found out she was staying here.

I need help in avoiding her. I need the distance. When she’s not here for vacation or travel my feelings subside but when she comes back and we’re in contact my feelings swell up again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much for reading.

A.

Lisa: this question has totally creeped me out and i feel like i need to take a shower.

Erin: Alright, first things first. Your instinct to back away from this toxic person is spot on. DO NOT allow her in your bed, second bedroom, or panty-less on the phone. She may or may not be bi-sexual, but she is clearly abusing her “maturity” and senior position to her advantage. She may not be aware that she is doing it, which is even scarier.

Lisa: i totally agree with everything you said, erin. but, as for this girl, i want to encourage her to come out of the closet and be who she really is. i’m more concerned that she’s hiding who she is than with this creepy manager bitch.

Erin: Yes, coming out of the closet will actually give you way more power than you have now. She is a 42 year old woman with a U-Haul full of baggage. You deserve a woman who is honest and ready to love you.

Q.

I know that everyone is different but ladies, do you like guys with facial hair or clean shaven? If you like facial hair on guys what sort do you like? Goa-tees, moustache, beard, unshaven stubble etc etc…. Thanks

A.

Erin: I think it depends on the face. However, I am not down with the goatee. I have never been down with the goatee, not even during the height of its popularity in the mid-90’s, and you know how much I fucking love the 90’s!

Lisa: i prefer men with facial hair, especially a beard. i like the way it feels all over my body. secondly, unless you are shaggy from scooby-doo and rocking a tribal tattoo around your arm, let’s skip the goatee, shall we?

Erin: But, if you have a beard, keep it clean. I don’t want to find a piece of last night’s pot roast lingering near your chin. And if you sport the stubble, be warned that a make out sesh may end in a lady with a terrible rash across her pretty face.

Q.

I think my man wants to leave me.
Can guys really have female friends? I have been dating the love of my life for 10 months now but i get the feeling he is having phone sex with his “so-called” friends. I know he used to do it in the past but he told me he stopped but i dont believe him. Can that really lead to something else, Is he cheating on me? Sometimes he gives me attitdude for no reason and I tell him “U are giving attitude to the person who is there for u th most”. I give him whatever he needs, love, friendship, someone to cry on, etc. I think I am being the best girlfriend to him but i dont get the same graditude back from him. I dont know what to do, he makes me feel good about myself but then at the same time he makes me feel like crap. I cant see my world without him in it.

A.

Lisa: i think your man is cheating on you, yes. if someone gives you attitude for no reason, that’s a red flag.

Erin: Yes, a guy can really have female friends. But, not all men can. Who the fuck has phone sex anymore? What are we, stuck in 1999? But, I digress. Like I tell many, many, many people who write in for advice, RUN! This sounds like a shitty relationship, regardless of wether or not he is actually still talking dirty with his “so-called” friends. Don’t accept attitude (or “attidude”- which by the way I am totally implementing in my vocab, so thank you for that!) from anyone you’re in a relationship with. It’s so not worth your time to remain in situations like this.

Lisa: like i’ve said before, how you feel is an indicator of which direction you should be moving. it sounds like this relationship doesn’t make you feel good. i can see your world without him in it, and your future looks bright. also, choose better next time, bitch.

Phew! I think we’re done, bitch. Until next time, have fun, be safe, use a condom! If you have a question, use the form on the top right of erin’s page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

…

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

#AskErinAndLisa: a kiss is not just a kiss – and so on.

May 16, 2014 10:28 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

juliet

Erin: Hey bitch, how’s it going?

Lisa: hey bitch, i’m a brunette again. went and got that shit did yesterday. what’s going on with you, erin?

Erin: I’m still shaking off the jet lag and ghosts of Paris, but I’m ready to delve into this week’s questions.

Lisa: yeah, i’m fired up and ready to go.

Q.

I RECENTLY MADE A BIG MISTAKE. I KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN. I HAVE BEEN RACKED WITH GUILT EVER SINCE. I TOLD THE OTHER WOMAN THAT NO RELATIONSHIP IS POSSIBLE AS I AM HAPPILY MARRIED. MY CONSCIENCE TELLS ME THAT I SHOULD COME CLEAN TO MY WIFE, BUT THIS WOULD DEVASTATE HER AND WOULD NO DOUBT LEAD TO DIVORCE. SHOULD I TELL HER? THE OBVIOUS ANSWER IS “NO”, WHY RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP. WE HAVE A STRONG MARRIAGE. I JUST SCREWED UP. HELP!!!

THANKS
G

A.

Lisa: g, i’m a hard ass when it comes to this sort of thing (cheating). so, therefore, my answer will not be loosey-goosey and i will not mince my words. if my husband or boyfriend kissed someone else, i’d want to know.

Erin: Do you really think that a kiss would lead to divorce? I mean, it wasn’t cool, don’t get me wrong, but it seems like jumping to divorce based on one kiss is a little drastic. This makes me wonder if you are using the word kissed as a euphemism for fucked. After all, in French, the word baiser can mean both to kiss or to bang.

Lisa: ok, erin, let’s not take this one all the way to paris. look dude, you did it, so man up and tell her. it’s her decision how she reacts and what she chooses to do. i was cheated on, and i presume it started with “just a kiss.” i call total bullshit on this.

Erin: I think Lisa is on to something there, because usually a kiss like that is preceded by all levels of emotional cheating. If you are really committed to this woman and sincerely honest that this will never happen again, then maybe you should keep your mouth shut, which I know Lisa does not agree with. Like Lisa, I would want to know. But, there are many people who would rather not know in the case of an isolated minor indiscretion. You know your wife, I don’t. In any event, you better take a good, long, hard, look at your behavior and motives. At the end of the day, you fucked up. We all have, but the important thing is that it never happens again.

Q.

So been dating this guy for 5 months now. He’s brought up marriage and how he wants to spend his life with me only but he gets random slutty women like half dressed stripper like women leaving comments and likes on his page. It has our pic up as his profile pic and he says just friends? I don’t have a issue with him having girls as friends. I have more male friends then girls but they have their clothes on. Should I feel as if he’s talking to them behind my back because other wise why would they even respond to anything he has to say? I’m not sure how to handle this but I do know it’s causing stress for our relationship! I’ve have nothing against strippers by the way…been to strip clubs myself just don’t like the fact they feel the need to make comments to him and after this long why do they unless he’s talking to them also? Need some input!!!! Help…

A.

Erin: The internet is a strange and confusing place, especially for relationships. Things are soooooo easily confused and misinterpreted online. There are many, many stripper-y women, or at least computer generated versions, on FB, instagram, twitter, etc. Who knows if they’re even real. The point is, he has no control over what other people comment on or “like” online. That being said, if he is engaging in inappropriate ways, then you fully have a right to express your discontent. The rest of it, ignore, it’s stupid and not based in reality.

Lisa: look, the guy i’m dating has a lot of chick friends, too. i don’t really take issue with it, because i trust him and it doesn’t make me feel weird. however, if i started seeing him interacting with half naked strippers, that wouldn’t make me feel good, and i would express that to him. at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel within this relationship. if you feel good, proceed. if you don’t feel good, that’s something to look at.

Erin: Yes, no one should be in a relationship that makes them feel badly all the time, or even part of the time. But, again, with all that online shit, don’t fill in the blanks, bitch!

Q.

A few years back I was involved in a serious relationship with a guy we’ll call “B”. My best friend whom we’ll call “V” and I have been friends since the eighth grade and are now thirty three. When I was involved with “B” we found it to be extremely pleasant that our boyfriends got along so well and formed a friendship of their own. “B” and I broke up about a year into the relationship and “V” and her boyfriend have been on again off again ever since. When I was engaged “B” would try to get me to sleep with him and cheat on my fiancee. I am now married and moved cross country. After I was married, even though he was with a long-term girlfriend girlfriend, “B” even came on to “V” saying that he’d “always been soooo attracted to her.” “V”s boyfriend, and even “V” herself, continued a friendship with “B”. (He is most likely unaware of “B”s futile attempt to bed “V”) Tonight when I called “V”‘s cell phone I asked her where she was and she explained that her and her boyfriend were over at “B” and his girlfriend’s house, and proceeded to rush me off of the phone to avoid being rude. I am absolutely certain that there is nothing romantic going on between the two of them but can’t help but feel a little betrayed. I am fully aware that I live on the other side of the country. I don’t expect my best friend to sit home waiting for me to visit every night. I just feel like there are so many other people she could hang out with… Why my ex? Isn’t there some kind of “Thou Shalt Not Be Friends With My Ex” rule in the best friend by-laws? And would she appreciate if her boyfriend took her to a girl’s house that had tried to get her to sleep with him? (even though this happened during an off again phase in her relationship.) I know there’s a “Thou Shalt Not Try To Sleep With My Ex-Girlfriend Without My Express Permission” in the by-laws of friendship. Am I being selfish for feeling my friend should avoid “B” simply because their friendship makes me uncomfortable? PLEASE HELP!!!!

A.

Lisa: erin, i haven’t had any coffee yet. can you give me the cliffsnotes version of this question, please? i’m very overwhelmed.

Erin: At first, I was tempted to copy edit the poor grammar in this question. However, I was soon too dizzy from keeping track of “B” and “V” and their significant boyfriends, girlfriends, and exes. Holy shit woman, couldn’t you have at least picked initials that didn’t sound so similar? Alright Lisa, here is my attempt at summary: This bitch is mad that her friend hangs with her ex. She says it’s because of some “Thou shalt…” bullshit. However, she’s clearly just pissed that he wanted to fuck her friend. Also, she lives across the country. Why is she so stuck in this other place and time?

Lisa: you know, if my best friend was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, it would probably bug me too. however, the world is full of wonderful people, find friends that are more in line with your belief system. and leave what belongs in the past in the past.

Erin: But, Lisa, they were all friends before. It’s not like she suddenly struck up a friendship with “B” after the breakup. I’ve stayed friends many times with both parties post-breakup, because we were all friends before.

Lisa: erin, i only hold a lowly bachelor of science degree, and i didn’t really understand this question. so, yeah, you’re probably more likely right.

Erin: Moral of the story is- please, try to write questions that do not make our heads spin and get your lame brain in the present. The past is the past.

—

alrighty now we did it, despite my lack of coffee and erin’s lingering jet lag. If you have a question, please use the box on the top right of erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden.

xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

#AskErinAndLisa – we ain’t no Osho, but we sure try.

May 8, 2014 7:50 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

aintnoosho

Erin: Hey Lisa, last week was a much needed break. I feel ready to conquer these (sometimes tedious) questions. How you doing?

Lisa: i’ve somewhat recovered from my existential breakdown a couple of weeks ago and fell asleep at 10pm last night, while watching the daily show. so, yano, it’s good times over here with lisa limmons.

Erin: Lisa, I can always count on you to be wildin’ out. Shall we?

Lisa: yes, we shall.

Q.

I matched this guy on the Tinder dating app but he is actually an old friend of mine I haven’t seen in a while..
My guess is he recognized me also but he has not messaged me & I have not messaged him.
We have not seen each other in a couple years but I really would like to message him.. I am just nervous about it.
Should I message him? Is a girl making the first move weird on Tinder?! Please help

A.

Erin: lisa, you go first on this one, you’ve got the Tinder experience under your belt.

Lisa: first of all, i fucking hate tinder and i’m so glad i have a boyfriend and i’m not subjected to that online dating hell anymore.

Erin: Yeah, I have never Tinder-ed but does Tinder etiquette matter? Is it a thing?

Lisa: ok, tinder eitiquette does matter, erin. and i guess my question for this chick would be, what do you want from this guy? if you want to reconnect as a friend, sure, message him. if you want a boyfriend, wait for him to message you.

Erin: That sounds about right to me. Men are (usually) fairly simple. If he was interested in you romantically/sexually, I feel you would have heard form him by now. Sorry. 🙁
Let’s get to the next question, because it’s going to take us about 3 years to read it.

Q.

I have never submitted a question for advice before. I’ve always imagined myself as having clear judgement with men, but this one has me so clouded, I’m not even sure how to navigate it. His name is Jack (name changed for anonymity) and to say that I am probably in love with him is an understatement. I’ve known him for four years, off and on. He works near my work and on one random day, he saw me and my heart was instantaneously a goner. The only trouble was that at the time we flirted and he asked me out, I was engaged to be married a month later. Three years have gone by, and I have now separated. I had met him again, working at the same place. He remembered me and soon we became Facebook friends again, swapped numbers and talked for hours on end every day.
About two months into us talking, he vanished into thin air. Over the course of last year, our romance was on and off. It would be very consistent, very heated and just as rapidly it would be as if we were nothing more then strangers. I had found out later on it, he would date me when he and his long-time girlfriend had broken up. They had been together for years, and according to him, she is focused more on having fun and sleeping around than wanting a serious commitment, like he wants.
About three months ago, while I was dating another man, Jack had resurfaced. He spoke about how I wasn’t in love with this man and that he regretted kissing me, and I asked point blank why he does this to me. He says all these wonderful things, I fall for him again, and then he’s gone. He said that he and his ex were done for good, and that she cheated on him one too many times. We hung out all the time. I broke up with the other guy, as well, and for once with him, my trust was beginning to venture back onto the scene.
To describe Jack to you could take a hundred years. He’s everything I want. After being married to an abusive man who didn’t share any of my goals or dreams, Jack wants the life I want. He wants to be serious. He wants to become a father and a husband. He is a very hard-worker, and has worked himself up to running his branch, and his promotions are only bound to keep increasing. He’s financially secure, opens up the car door for me and overall, respects me as a woman. On paper, he’s everything that’s right. But there are problems.
It seems that the two of us always have bad timing. When I want to be with him, he’s taken by somebody else and vice versa. A part of me wishes I had never married my ex-husband, because maybe the two of us would be together. He would have never met her, and we wouldn’t be in this rut where he claims he can see us together, but he’s nowhere near ready to date exclusively again. It’s been about two and a half weeks since I’ve last seen him, and I feel the vibe between us fading away. When I told him I felt like I was receiving mixed signals from him, he did nothing but apologize. When I said that I just want him to be around, he replied that he does as well. I thought he’d leave, but he didn’t.
My question is one I hope can be answered: will he date me? For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now? When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else? I know that’s probably impossible to answer, considering you don’t know me or him, but, I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait? I’ve waited four years to be happy again when it comes to love. There is a part of me, that even though I sometimes feel like I should let go, I know I’m not ready to yet.
Sincerely,
Lovesick.

A.

Erin: Oh, Lovesick, I would like to congratulate you for writing the longest question in Ask Erin and Lisa!’s history. Wow, you’ve given us a lot of time lines- 4 years, 3 years, 1 month, 2 weeks, a year. I feel that the easiest way to break down what you’re asking is to adress the specific questions you asked at the end.

“Will he date me?”- Yes, he will date you, but he will likely never commit
“For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now?”- Yes, you are a rebound and an “in-between-er”, aka the one you fuck in between relationships.
“When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else?” -Yes, just not you.
” I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait?”- Not this fucking long.

Lisa: i understand why your judgement is so clouded with this one, sister. “jack” has been running you around in circles for so long that you are foggy-headed from his continual, fucked up mixed signals. further, i dated a verbally abusive guy and it took a, um, BIG toll on my self-esteem which i can see has happened to you as well. so, my advice to you is this: NO WAITING. get busy with your life, be kind to yourself, and get in to therapy.

Erin: Yes, therapy, girlfriend. “Jack” is as bad for you as your ex-husband was. This is an opportunity to look at the patterns in your life and the people you are attracted to. This is not love. This is drama and when we are not emotionally healthy, drama can trick us into thinking it is love. I would also like to add that when I was emotionally unhealthy, I was “Jack,” and I would’ve steered you away from me, too. He also needs therapy, but that’s really not my problem, and it definitely shouldn’t be yours. Move on, get some therapy, find a man who TRULY wants the same things you do, because this loser clearly does not.

Lisa: amen, erin.

Q.

Whilst Googling a friend (yes someone I have feelings for but that is history) I came across some explicit images that a girl had posted. Should I tell him about this site (and have to fess up to how I came across it) so he can do something about it, or just leave it be….?

A.

Lisa: this has sent shivers up my spine, because i know there are some “photographs” of me out there that i would die if anyone, other than the intended recipient, saw. ahem. cough. choke. omg.

Erin: If this dude is your friend, you should probably tell him. Is there a way to tell him you found the site, without specifically fess-ing up to your internet stalking? Wouldn’t you want to know if the situation was reversed?

Lisa: i think you should tell him, for sure. i don’t think you need to get in to how you found them, or any shit like that.
—
welp, that’s a wrap. by the time this post goes live, erin will be on a plane headed to Paris, but she and i will be back next week to wade through the messy, messy, messy problems of your lives. have a question? use the box on the top right of erin’s page. as always, your anonymity is golden and we will answer your question, eventually, and with (some) care. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

open relationships, the bigger the better + jealousy.

April 25, 2014 9:02 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

bigger:better

oh hello there and happy fucking friday! erin and i are back and delighted to answer your pressing – and often lengthy – questions. here we go, childrenz:

Erin: Hey Lisa, how the hell has your week been?

Lisa: well, i cried my eyes out all day yesterday and subsequently, have a bit of an emotional hangover today.

Erin: Sounds awesome! Shall we distract ourselves with other people’s problems then?

Lisa: yes, i would love to distract myself with anything but the way i feel right now.

Erin: Let’s do this. (Also, I hate myself for using that expression.)

Q.
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for about 5 years and have always planned on getting married and having kids one day. I have recently seen that he has been watching a lot of adult content on the internet and constantly see him looking at other girls. I know he still fancies me and we do it all the time but how should I feel about him obviously fancying other girls too.

He even suggested the other day that it would be fun to have an open relationship so we could both try new experiences with new people while still staying together and in love. I do not want this but really dont want to lose him.

Is he being a little disrespectful and what shoudl I say to him to make him just want me?

A.
Erin: Girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he’s already in an open relationship with you. When I was 20 and a nightmare, I believe I had the same discussion with my then boyfriend. I felt it necessary to gently tell him he was already in an open relationship without actually saying those words.

Lisa: first of all, i like that you use the word “fancies.” such a great word. secondly, any motherfucker that looks at other women all the time is no one that you want to invest your time in. porn is one thing, being disrespectful in your presence is completely another. as far as threesomes, etc, i have some hippie friends that do this open relationship bullshit, and i think it’s a joke.

Erin: I’m sure somewhere out there is an open relationship that works, but it seems like more often it’s an I-want-to-still-get-laid-if-I strike-out-on-Tinder relationship. I think you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you and only you. You are worth it.

Lisa: he’s being completely disrespectful to you and your question should be, “how fast can i get out of this?”

Q.
Ladies. . . Does size really matter? And what would be a good size you’d be satisfied with? And do girls get intimidated if it’s too big?

A.
Lisa: OMG THE BIGGER THE BETTER!

Erin: Bitch, there is definitely such a thing as TOO BIG. And intimidated is not the right word, but ladies know what will or will not fit.

Lisa: brother, seriously, THE BIGGER THE BETTER!

Erin: Lisa, why do you have to make it all incest-y with “brother.” I disagree, I think that it’s not about the largess of the penis, but the overall shape and compatibility with the receptacle. Wow, I just grossed myself out by calling the vagina a receptacle.

Lisa: ok erin, whatever, my receptacle likes them big.

Erin: Basically, don’t stress about the size of your junk. It’s probably going to feel different for every woman.

Q.
I have a friend that is in an international long distance relationship that I’m jealous of. She’s also very confident about her life in general. I’m also in a good local relationship right now. Whenever I talk to her my self-esteem takes a dive when she mentions anything that reminds me of her relationship. I also feel bad about myself when she sounds so confident about her future plans when I don’t feel so confident about my own. I want to be her friend, but I can’t be supportive or talk to her without feeling crappy. Is there anything I can do?

A.
Erin: Your “local” relationship can’t be that good if you spend this much time and energy comparing it to hers. The real issue is your self-esteem, not hers.

Lisa: as someone who is currently in an “international long-distance relationship” myself, i’m jealous that your boyfriend is in the same town as you.

Erin: OMG, Lisa, do you think this is one of your friends writing in about you?

Lisa: goddamn erin, it could be me! my advice will be the same either way- don’t spend time with people who make you feel badly about yourself. period.

Erin: Yes, but she also needs to figure out why she is so jealous. It doesn’t sound like this friend is going out of her way to make her feel badly. She can’t go axing out every friend that has something good going on or who has decent self-esteem. Unless, she would like to end up with a bunch of friends with even bigger self-esteem problems who are also miserable.

Lisa: hmm, good point erin. look, we need to be happy for other people and their joy. start practicing happiness for your friend, even if you don’t mean it right now. fake it until you make it, bitch.

Erin: What you can do is go to therapy. You’re always going to be unhappy if you don’t fix this self-esteem issue.

…

and that’s it from here, that’s it for now. i’m going back into the land of existential crisis. or maybe not; i’m getting bored with that. per usual, if you have a question, please submit to erin. carry on.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating

she’s got a mustache! control + at the same time, sunshine.

April 4, 2014 12:45 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

unvinc

well, well, well, what do you know? tommy lasagna has died and reemerged from the corners of the earth, as louie linguini, to lend us a hand in lending you a hand – or something like that.

Erin: So, Lisa, Tommy, Louie, how you doing?

Louie: I’m fine. Sitting here eating some pistachios because I have to fit into my suit for a wedding in a few weeks. This is what passes for lunch these days. How are you, Erin?

Erin: I’m swell. Wait, who is it that does the ads for pistachios? Dennis Rodman? (*update- Yes, Dennis Rodman.)

Lisa: well, erin, i suck because i dropped my iphone in the bath last night. so i’m in iphone hell right now.

Erin: You’ve really got to be more careful where you stick it, Lisa. On that note, shall we?

What does it mean when a male says he doesn’t like to be told what to do or controlled? or what does that reveal about his personality?
I’m interested in knowing because naturally I’m a bit dominating with men and I was told this by a guy that is interested in me. is this a red flag? Please, advise.

Lisa: it means that you need to CHILLAX. and act like a girl and not a dude. women, you see, are rad.

Louie: Lisa, you are so cisnormative sometimes. I’m not sure that it has anything to do with acting like a MAN or a WOMAN.

Lisa: disagree.

Erin: No one likes to be controlled…unless they do, and that in itself is a red flag.

Louie: But chances are, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to be controlled, he’s essentially saying that he wants to be single.

Erin: Yes.

Lisa: so many chicks want to embrace sperm energy. women are receivers. it’s in our DNA, our physiology. i’m not saying lie down and be a fucking doormat, but let the guy be the guy.

Erin: Bitch, you lost me at “sperm energy.”

Louie: Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?

Lisa: ganging up on me will lead to bad things.

Louie: It just sounds like you’re turning into Alexyss Tyler.

Lisa: ha, okay.

Erin: Basically, relax. Don’t try to control this dude, or any dude. No good can come of it. (And, I think the question reveals more about the asker that the dude she’s asking about.) NEXT

I’ve been wondering this for a while, but guys and girls will have a different time when they reach an orgasm right?So if I, as a guy, reach my orgasm before the girl, do I stop?

Louie: I mean, I think it comes down to what time of day it is. If it’s 5 AM and you’re shit drunk and you have sex and you can even have an orgasm in the first place, and before your female partner does, I would imagine that’s some endgame shit. On the other hand, if it’s a Saturday afternoon, and you’re just lazing around, and you beat your partner to the punch, you better figure out a way to make that shit happen. For her, I mean. Otherwise, she will quickly grow to hate you.

Erin: One point- a guy can only fake that he’s still erect for so long, no? So, he should get her there through other means.

Lisa: people that are super connected have orgasms at the same time, a lot of the time. but brother bear, NEVER EVER STOP. Get the vibrator out or something.

Louie: Or your mouth.

Lisa: mmmmmmmm….louie.

Erin: Brother Bear? Seriously? Ok, but yes, we all agree, don’t leave her hanging.

i have a gf of 4 months. im 26, shes 27. After a month of dating i noticed she has mustache. Its unvincible during night, evening, but on the daylight its pretty obvious. She is really good looking girl and i can just not understand, how she does nothing about it… she has to know she has mustache… i like her and want to keep dating her, but its such a turn off… sometimes i just cant help but keep looking at her mouth when we are together. Some times im almost angry because i just cant understand why she does not get rid of them. And her friends… family they had to notice them too. Someone has to say something about that to her or im i wrong. I would like to bring that topic up and talk about it because it bothers my way too much. When we are together at night evening, i almost forget about it and telling myself im making too much of a deal, but i really dont. You may say im immature but i cant help it. Women should not have any facial hair in my opinion or at least do something about it. After that i start to pay attention to other women and notice there are few others with some minor facial hair. What should i do? I do not want to hurt her but i just want her to do something about it. Its not that hard for gods sake…

Erin: First of all, “unvincible” is not a word. I can only assume you mean invisible, unless you meant invincible mustache, which really means you have a much larger problem than I thought. Okay, this lady clearly has no friends, or no friends that like her, or friends that want her to be the ugly one, so they look prettier when they all go out together. I mean, really? No one has ever told her she has a ‘stache? Or, what’s worse- she knows and is all feminist about her facial hair.

Louie: Or else she’s a member of Le Tigre.

Lisa: i would suggest that he gently, and with grace, talk to her about it- “hey baby, you got a little fur up there.”

Erin: Oof. It would be so much better to have a friend tell her.

Lisa: come on, i know, but no one is telling her, bitch. the hard task has fallen to him.

Louie: He could always leave a missed connection for her on craigslist and then send her the link. That seems like a fairly indirect way of dealing with it, without having to tell her yourself.

Lisa: i disagree and think that if you do it in a playful loving way, it will be fine.

Louie: As a dude, I can say that I am pretty sure this will not happen, Lisa.

Erin: He’s right, she will freak out.

Louie: Talking to women about their bodies can be a very tough task, especially if it’s something “natural” like a little hair on her upper lip. It may just be a “deal breaker,” like any other number of hairy body parts are for certain people.

Lisa: AGAIN, i disagree with you. i think if he likes her he can figure out a way to talk to her about it.

Louie: It won’t, especially if he possesses the same lack of eloquence displayed in his question.

Erin: “Baby, I need to talk to you about your unvinicble mustache.”

Louie: Maybe it is an invincible mustache.

Erin: I don’t know that we helped him, but we tried.

okay, kidzzz, until next time. If you’d like to ask a question, use the form on the top right of erin’s page. We promise to answer it, with some care, at some point. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating

#AskErinAndLisa – another tinder question, wandering eyes + mr. p*ssy.

March 28, 2014 9:16 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

tindersuxass
hello and greetings from LA – aright – i’m back from my “hiatus” and here to help erin give you so-so advice.

Erin: Hey, Lisa, anything new?

Lisa: hold on, erin. i’ve got “the history of the jews” on pbs right now. let me turn this down.

Erin: oh, really?

Lisa: tommy lasagna told me to watch it.

Erin: Good grief, when I said I was a swanky skanky matchmaker, I was kidding! So, are you refreshed? Ready to do this?

Lisa: yes, i’m back and i’m ready to go.

1. My boyfriend stares a lot at other women. I don’t mean a little glance here and there, but he really, really stares at them for long periods of time.
I know it’s natural for guys to stare, but surely there’s a limit.
I love him, and he says he loves me, but it makes me feel really inadequate when he does it when we’re out in public.
Even at restaurants when I talk to him, he always glances past my face at other women – it makes me feel sick when he does it.
What should I do and should I be worried about it?

Erin: It has been my experience that all people, not just men, but especially men, stare at other people. However, I could not be with a dude who spent more time fixated on other women than me.

Lisa: yes, you should be worried about it. when i first go out with a dude, i always check that he’s looking at me and not at other chicks walking by or in the vicinity of us. it makes me feel sick, too, and i think it’s a problem.

Erin: Have you told him this bothers you? Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. (Which one could argue, is worse.) But, if you’ve pointed this out and he denies and continues the behavior, get the hell out of that lame ass relationship. Life is too short.

Lisa: if you’re at a restaurant and he glances past you, he’s a lame ass motherfucker and you should bail. period.

2. Context: I was just messing around on tinder and saw the gf of a buddy of mine. Normally, I’d let him know without much question, but they moved across the country together and it’s not like I “yes’d” her or anything and don’t know what their situation is and trying to bring up their “situation” (like if that’s what they’re okay with) would probably raise some flags.
So, what is the right thing to do here?
When I saw her I kinda froze up and exited the app. I’ll see if I find her again (I didn’t yes or no her) and see the last time she was “active”…if it’s been recent, I’ll try to casually bring it up and hope for the best, I think.

Lisa: OH DEAR GOD, HELP US ALL. if the bitch is on tinder, she is looking around, a cheater, and not happy in her thing with your friend.

Erin: Yes, you need to tell him. If I was your friend and my girlfriend was on tinder, I would definitely want to know. He would be pissed if he found out you knew and didn’t tell him. Plus, it sounds like they are fairly serious if a cross country move was involved.

Lisa: also: next time, think more quickly! you should have taken a screen shot of that shit! tell your friend.

Erin: Also, dear people of earth, if you think you can be “stealth” on tinder and not get noticed by your significant others friends, you are a first second class idiot.

I went a few times on a date with this man (33 y.o) – (total of 4 dates in 1.5 month).
After the third date, he invited me to his room to ”cuddle” but I politely refused. Two weeks have passed where we texted but did not meet and finally had another date this week end. He asked me if I wanted to come over and I said yes (I felt ready this time). Once in his room we started kissing and took our clothes off. However, when I started going down on him, he said that we were going too fast. This was ok for me but then he went down on me instead. We still did not have sex and then just went to sleep.
I am clearly confused by his behavior…
why did he react this way? what is he looking for?

Lisa: first of all, your cutting weekend in to two words annoys me. secondly, is this guy gay?

Erin: Lisa, no he’s not gay, he went down on her. A gay guy could probs fake his way through intercourse but could he really go down successfully?

Lisa: i’m confused by his behavior, too. if a guy goes down on me, i assume that sex is the immediate next thing.

Erin: Wait, Lisa, maybe he’s like Mr. Pussy from Sex and the City. Remember that episode when Charlotte was dating Mr. Pussy who just wanted to go down on her all the time? And her friends told her she couldn’t bogart Mr. Pussy?

Lisa: oh yeah, that hot jewish guy? i remember.

Erin: No, he wasn’t Jewish. Clearly, you have a one-track mind.

Lisa: yes, erin, i remember, but i need the prize.

Erin: Preaching to the choir, my friend. Alright, the biggest red flag I see here, is that a 33 year old man invited you to his “room” to “cuddle” after the third date.

Lisa: ugh, i’m going back to “the history of the jews” on pbs. laterz.

—

good luck everyone and don’t worry, we’ll be back next week and we may even get Tommy Lasagna to weigh in on your many, many, many, many problems. To ask a question, use the box on the top right of erin’s page. kisses. and stay off tinder, k?

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

#AskErinAndLisa – more of your love/sex questions, poorly answered.

March 13, 2014 10:08 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

TLASAN

We’re back! And we are not alone……

Erin: Hey, Lisa! We are so lucky, because today, we have help, in the form of a man.

Lisa: well…hmmm.

Erin: We can’t use his real name.

Tommy: You can call me Tommy Lasagna.

Erin: He’s currently in a top secret location in the Alps or something. We needed back up because Lisa is currently enjoying/dragging her ass through SXSW. So are you ready to help/confuse people?

Tommy: I think I am. I have to score 45 more points in this Spades game. It’s a metaphor for relationships.

Erin: Here’s our first question…

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years, and we’ve been living together for about 8 months. We get along great, both love each other, and will be engaged (hopefully) within the next year. However our sex life is… plain- other times bad. He doesn’t like to try new positions- he has two that are his favorites and that’s all he ever wants. As far as oral sex goes, I give him blow jobs pretty consistently but the last time he’s gone down on me was at least 6 months ago. I keep myself clean & shaven so I’m not sure what the problem is but anytime I bring it up he just says he doesn’t like it. (I don’t enjoy giving blow jobs but I do anyway because I know he likes them).

Sex is most of the time unsatisfying for me. It takes me awhile to climax and he finishes pretty quickly sometimes. He’s usually tired afterwards and falls asleep- which leaves me laying there still turned on and unsatisfied. It not only makes me sexually frustrated but emotionally as well. I just want him to finish me off in some way. It just seems like he doesn’t care about how I feel after sex.

Any tips on how to bring this up to him either directly/indirectly?

Erin: First of all, what’s with both of you? You don’t like to give blow jobs, but do so begrudgingly, and he doesn’t like to go down on you. Um, are you sure you’re both straight?

Tommy: It could be that she has a very shallow mouth and he has a very short tongue.

Lisa: i have a friend whose boyfriend won’t eat her out either and it’s the source of much tension in their relationship.

Erin: Also, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone you cannot have an open conversation with about your sex life.

Lisa: i agree with you, erin.

Erin: I mean, can she get herself off? Perhaps part of their sex life can include that, which may spark his interest in actually giving her an orgasm.

Lisa: her dude sounds like a selfish prick.

Tommy: I’m not sure it’s possible to be with someone whose genitals you won’t put in your mouth. I mean it is possible. But, then you spend all day writing into advice columns asking them to help you fill a hole you yourself have dug.

Erin: I think our general consensus is- she should move on. Next!

Is it possible to love two girls at once? I’m just curious as to if you have nay experience with this and if you think it’s possible.

Lisa: i think you can have love for many people. but being in love? one at a time, please.

Erin: I have felt, in the past, like I loved two people at once, but, really, it was just me being fucked up and unable to commit.

Tommy: I was actually reading the other day about love (because that’s what I do when I’m procrastinating and, also, when I’m not playing Spades on my iPhone.)

Erin: You are really good at procrastinating. And it takes one to know one. (Why do you think I have this blog?)

Tommy: Well, anyway, I was reading this book by Bell Hooks, called “All About Love.” And, she is talking about what we are actually feeling when we’re in love with someone. She uses this term “cathexis,” which apparently is a Freudian term that essentially means investing energy into someone. That’s what got me thinking. Bell Hooks has this critique of romantic love or notions of romantic love. She argues that we actually have some standard definition of love, and that we should think of love as an action, rather than a feeling. And, it’s this whole idea that real love is what lets you and the other person flourish.

Lisa: OMG i’m getting teary-eyed.

Tommy: So, when someone asks me if it’s possible to love two people, I think the only serious legitimate answer is: AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT.

(Erin and Lisa explode into laughter.)

Lisa: excellent advice. hold on, tommy, do you want to be my fantasy jewish boyfriend?

Tommy: I’m almost done with this game of Spades.

Erin: Is this like Fantasy Football?

Tommy: I honestly think I do better as a fantasy/ internet boyfriend because I do not have time to help others flourish.

Lisa: ok then, tommy lasagna is my new fantasy jewish bf.

Erin: You read it here first.

Went on two dates that I thought went pretty good and then received the message below about her basically friend zoning me. Curious how you would respond, as I’ve yet to send her a reply.
Thanks.

—> As far as going out again, I’m not sure about it at this point and I don’t think it would be fair to you to keep going out while I figure out what I want. I know I definitely had a good time with you and like you a lot. I’m just not sure if I see more than friendship and I would feel like I was leading you on if we continued to go out on dates. If you would like to keep talking I’m open to it but I definitely understand if you would rather not.

Tommy: Ok, I got this one. So, you went on two dates that you thought went pretty good. And then the (girl) sends you a message that indicated you thought wrong. As far as getting let down easy, I think this girl’s message is pretty spot on.

Erin: Agreed. She’s not into you. Say, “thanks.”

Tommy: I actually always breathe a sigh of relief when I get a message like the one she sent, because there is no second guessing and she isn’t wasting your time. (Even though while you’ve been waiting for our reply, you have probably sent her back some stupid self-deprecating message that made you look insane.) You should’ve probably just replied, “Thank you, I love you.”

Lisa: i’d respond like this: ‘k’. or my FAVE: ‘kk’ – but, i’m not a big ‘ol long-winded text asshole like a lot of people.

Tommy: Omg, I think we were meant to be together, Lisa.

Erin: I feel like some swanky skanky matchmaker.

…

And on that note, we’re outta here! Thank you, Tommy Lasagna, for bestowing your relationship wisdom upon us. We hope you join us again. Please wish Tommy and I good luck with our fantasy relationship.

Now that we have a male perspective on board, send that deep burning question in. We will get to it as quickly as possible. You can use the box on the top right of erin’s page – and your anonymity is golden.
XOXO

P.S. Tommy Lasagna, aka, my new jewish fantasy boyfriend, deep incognito: proxy

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love