Hello, we’re back, to lead you blindly towards better lives. Or something.

1.

I’ve been thinking of cheating on myself. I know it’s wrong but I just can’t help myself. I just don’t pay as much attention to myself as I used to. It’s getting boring and I think maybe it’s time to step out of my stale personal relationship and get something from somewhere else. Is this a good idea? If I do cheat should I just lie to myself rather than admitting the truth? Do you think my left hand will know what my right hand is doing?

Lisa: erin, is this one of your friends fucking with us?

Erin: No, this is one of my narcissist friends.

Lisa: first off, I notice that you said “myself” about 200 times in your question, so i totally could get why you’d want to cheat on yourself: you’re bored with your very own adorable narcissistic personality. secondly, and totally off topic, you seem like you are perhaps one of those weirdo-split-personality-geminis. the WORST (apologies to bob dylan and stevie nicks.).

Erin: Also, you use your left hand? Leftie? (Just trying to narrow down my friends.)

Lisa: the right hand WILL know, but maybe one hand could slap you across your own face. erin, what you got here? anyway, cheating is wrong and a big deal, but let’s face it, everyone does it or does it eventually.

Erin: Way to bring it down, Lisa. Bottom line, it’s totally okay to cheat on yourself. And sometimes, a slap feels good.

2.

My girlfriend just told me about this guy named Terry that she’s been texting. I can’t get any information about this guy out of her. Her excuse for it is that I don’t bring her around my friends. We’ve been dating for 4 1/2 years now and when we first started dating she told me she didn’t want to. I did take her to my best friends wedding and she’s met all my closest friends. I asked her a few simple questions about Terry like how long have ya’ll known each other and why won’t you tell me anything about him. She goes berserk with anger when I ask. She kicked me out one night and said she wanted to hang out with him alone. I just found out that he visits her in the morning before he goes to work and I get out of bed. She just told me that she can’t spend time with me sunday because she’s going to dinner with him late and won’t give up the details. At first it was just that she was going out to dinner late. I asked her what was up and she said it’s just dinner. I than asked if it was someone else then she said Terry. So far I know that they couldn’t have slept together due to her roommate being there. I am horrified to think that after dinner she will go back to his place. Our sex life is becoming stagnant maybe 2 times a week. Needless to say not as good for her as it once was. Don’t get me wrong she gets off just mainly from me going down on her. With us not being intimate as frequently I don’t last as long. Discussed it with her and no change. Now I’m building up with anxiety over Terry. Her birthday was last week and Terry has money so he bought her the same stuff as me ironicly just better quality. She swears he’s just a friend but I’ve heard that in 2 other relationships and caught one. She also acts loving and we hold hands and she caresses my hand and arm while watching tv. She tells me she loves me but not as much as she used to. I try to be romantic and rub her feet most days I see here and have candlit sensual massages when ever I can get her alone. The biggest differance is our senses of humor are only partialy in sync. Her biggest pet peave against me I’ve noticed is that I am a large man and both our apartments are small so I’m in the way a lot. I know I can be jealous but in this case am I letting my past influence me or do ya’ll agree that she’s probably cheating?

Erin: Terry? Who the hell is named Terry?

Lisa: if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. so, if I were you, i’d duck the fuck out of this relationship. your girl is cheating on you, with terry.

Erin: I’m going to go with my gut here. Terry is not a man. Terry is a woman. You are a beard. A self-proclaimed large beard. She only gets off when you go down on her. My money is on her closing her eyes while you do so, and imagining Terry, so very. Dude, get out. You have wasted 4 1/2 years with someone who’s obviously not that into you. There are plenty of ladies who would love to come home to foot rubs and candlelit sensual massages. (Also, people, in general, please use spellcheck when sending us messages.) Thanks!

Lisa: i agree with what erin says. two-times a week for sex is lame, and it’s clear she’s not appreciating you. my theory is that if you have to wrap yourself into a pretzel to be with someone, it just ain’t worth it. get out.

3.

I’m a 29 year old female and I’ve never had good sex, I’ve had one guy able to make me cum but it was only one time he tried again and wasn’t able to. I have sex for the first time at 18 and its been like this ever since. I’ve lied and pretended that I came because I was just too embarressed and scared to tell the truth (what guy wants to hear they can’t get their girl off?). I’ve tried tell the guys I’m with what i want and most of the time they don’t even listen to me or they try what i want for a little bit but then go back to what they know. I do have a kinky side but I’m really afraid to let that come out because I mean I can’t even get the hang of normal sex. I’m so frusterated and depressed about the whole thing it makes the whole idea of sex a very scary thing. Help please!

Lisa: GIRLFRIEND, do yourself a favor and invest in a Lelo Vibrator. get to know yourself with this, which will eventually become your best friend. trust me.

Erin: Yes, Lisa is right, you need to be able to get yourself off first. Then, you will actually know what hits you in the right spot, literally. Sadly, according to half of our questions, a lot of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives and/or have never had an orgasm. This advice applies to all of you. Get yourself off and then tell your partner/s what you like. There’s no shame in telling someone how to please you. Trust me, they will be grateful. If they’re not, you shouldn’t be letting them touch you.

Lisa: i just want to add, i was concerned about this very issue with myself, until I was 19 and had an amazing orgasm with my boyfriend, albeit on ecstasy. Oops! i don’t think you need to resort to drugs to have an orgasm, but I do think you need to invest $100 in a good vibrator and watch some porn with yourself. please write back and let us know how this goes for you.

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As you wait with bated breath for next week’s installment, keep the questions coming (Discover spellcheck, I beg of you.). Use the Ask Erin! box on the right of erin’s page: rarely wrong erin. We will answer all questions, eventually! xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

hello friends and lovers. alrighty. rarely wrong erin and i are back this week answering more of your love/dating/relationship/sex questions. yes, we know: a bit harsh, a bit unruly and maybe not, er, exactly what you want to hear, but between us, erin + i have years of therapy, years of heartache/heartbreak/sheer joy/good sex/lame sex, et cetera under our belts so, yano, we kinda know our shit. so read. ask. and be kind to yourselves whilst out there in the wild wild world of love.

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1.

Who should text who?
Him and I always have very good conversations and he keeps his word and follows through on things. I am the one that is always initiating the texting though but he always keeps the conversations going and seems legitimately excited to be talking to me…what’s your input?

Lisa: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. i personally am not a fan of initiating convos via text to guys, but i also know that each situation is different.

Erin: I am far more concerned with your grammar than your question.

Lisa: if you ever get really bored of doing all the chasing (and let’s face it, that’s what you’re doing-) it would be an interesting experiment to lay low and actually see if this brotha reaches out to you. on his own. guys like the girls they can chase. the end.

Erin: Men are simple. If you have a legitimate reason to text him, then do so. Otherwise, let him pursue you. It’s much sexier. P.S. – grammar

2.

The question is, how can I best support her as she moves through this? What do I do? As ridiculous as it sounds, it had nothing to do with her – I wasn’t pushed away, I wasn’t unhappy or mad at her, I’m intensely sexually attracted to her – it’s not like an affair where it’s totally cut and dry cheating. I just wanted to find a new way to get my rocks off, but I’ve hurt her beyond measure and it’s killing me to see her like this.

Any insight or comments or advice would be most helpful and appreciated.

Lisa: JESUS CHRIST. since getting this question, i’ve been chomping at the fucking bit to answer it! and the tutorial on the live porn chat room – THANK YOU. well done. succinct but chock full ‘o good information! i certainly appreciated it and am i sure some of our more perverse weirdo readers will too. YAY!

Erin: If you are only having sex once every 10 days (or so), that means less than 10% of days in an entire year. That’s really depressing. I honestly don’t blame you.

Would I be mad? At the porn- no. I think it’s completely ignorant to not acknowledge that EVERY ONE of us looks/has looked/will look at porn- for a whole variety of reasons. I might be bummed if my man was in live sex chat rooms, but I also couldn’t wouldn’t go with that little sex in my life. And, I have a kid, and I get it, but still.

Although I understand how kids vacuum up time/energy/sex appeal, you owe it to each other to make intimacy a priority. I think part of making a commitment is committing to maintaining a healthy sex life, which may include: getting into foreplay to get yourself in the mood, giving a blow job when you don’t feel like having sex, keeping yourself feeling and looking sexy, and initiating physical contact. She has a part in this, too. It’s easy to forget the other person’s part when we are stuck under the guilt quilt (*guilt quilt courtesy of Fresh Meat, which you should watch- but that’s a lecture for another day).

Lisa: ANYWAY- ok. once every 10 days for sex – yikers, bro. no wonder you’re into porn. if i were in relationship/marriage, et cetera -which i’m currently, um, not- i would want to get laid at least 4-5 times a week…right? so i understand your frustration. frealz. that sucks. i’m glad you and your wife are in love and stuff, but let’s step the sex stuff up. eventually. she’s mad at you right now, so you might have to heal a few things first, but please start having more sex with your wife. porn will be less exciting if you’ve got the real pussy right there ready to go.

next off, i have to say that telling people everything is sometimes not the best idea. i know you were ‘being honest’ and all that shit, but at what price? you could have stopped the live porn chat stuff and left your wifey-poo out of it – she aint’ the judge and she ain’t the jury. what i’m trying to say is sometimes when WE are looking for relief, we hurt OTHERS unnecessarily by being too honest.

so all that being said, she needs to forgive you. i get why she is upset – as a chick, i really do – but she’s gotta let this go now. holding on to anger and resentment causes cancer and it’s unhealthy to live in a situation with someone who is mad at you all the time. fuck that shit. you did it, you owned it and now she needs to forgive you so you can both work on loving each other and having mind-blowing-porn-style-sex. ;o)

Erin: Sincerely, I hope you can work this out. Although I loathe the concept of “couples therapy,” it might be a good idea here, to diffuse the tension and provide a foundation for getting your relationship back on track. Good luck, dude.

3.

I have been dating my boyfriend of 1 year. We started dating right after he broke of his relationship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years. We see each other every Wednesday and every weekend Fri-Mon, we then stay at his place. Monday evenings I do my washing, Tuesday evenings I pack for Wed and Thursday, Thursday evenings I pack for the weekends. Is it too soon to ask if we can move in together? I know that he does not want to get married. He says I am putting him under pressure. What do I do?

Lisa: OMG, i had to read and re-read this question like 40 times. ‘washing’? what are you, amish? look, sweets, you need to fucking chill. no moving in. ugh. c’mon. he’s just out of an eight year thing. god, even i feel smothered by your schedule with him so i get why your guy is saying he feels pressure, LISTEN TO HIM. respect that. BACK OFF. furthermore, don’t you have any hobbies? anything you can do so you’re not rushing over to get into his bed every night? tip: try yoga. you need it.

Erin: I am equally smothered by your schedule. Calm down. It’s only been a year. If he says you’re pressuring him…guess what that means? You’re pressuring him! Stop! That’s a dude’s red flag warning. Also, you mention he doesn’t want to get married. I have the sneaking suspicion that you do, and are doing that lame thing that women do sometimes- ignore the truth he is giving you. When dude says he doesn’t want to get married, that is not code for, “You can change me, if you try.” It means that you’re not going to marry this guy. Also, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but we both think you’re the easy rebound chick. You are way too available with your rigorous schedule of packing and washing and packing again.

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and…more questions, more answers next week, freaks. peace + love from erin and i – to you.

©littlebrownbutterfly