saturday night with salinger.

April 21, 2014 8:47 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

salinger

“And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”
― J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

…

there is no rest for the wicked and there is no rest for me on this night. i’m alone. again. it’s 1am? 1:30? i alternate my way between two works of literature – infinite jest by david foster wallace (my second time through) – and salinger’s franny and zooey, a book i consider an old friend at this point (i’m approaching my 100th read). i think about my life, what i’m doing, where i’ve been and where, oh where all of this will lead. uh huh. and all that multiplied + magnified by 1000. yeah. i know. exhausting.

and then i realise i’m getting ahead of myself. i go back to reading. my mind eventually wanders to him. he makes me happy. he makes me want to do better. he makes me feel safe. love makes me sad. i go back to salinger, looking for clues, searching for answers that will help, will enlighten, will soothe. but instead i just find words on a page: black, white. in between the lines is where i prefer to read anyway, because in between the lines is where the answers surely are. i pause to reflect on this. i cry a little. i decide everything will be okay.

i write a note to myself on the title page of franny and zooey, sure that salinger would approve: ‘lisa, there are no answers, only what you do not know. enjoy.’

i take myself to bed. i shift thoughts around. i smile a little knowing that for today, i’ve done alright. for today, at least, i have loved. and what could we ever do in this life more important than that?

exactly.

©littlebrownbutterfly

(thanks to amanda panda elmore for the groovy franny and zooey book art)

Posted in: existential crisis, love

on certitude + feeling good.

April 14, 2014 1:09 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

gothisway

i called my columbian pal pilar the other day to tell her i’d met someone, how i was happy and how i was, um, in something frealz this time (maybe). i wrote a blog post about it, too – and the uncertainty of it all. commenting on that post, she was, as she always is, succinct, with no bullshit and straight to the point; she told me she was happy for my happiness, that i was deserving of love and then this: “there may be uncertainty surrounding the circumstances, but none where the feeling is concerned.”

i pondered this for a while. her words struck a chord. i mean, the only thing i really know with any certainty is that we all one day eventually die (sorry to bring it down, brahs) and how i feel from one moment to the next. that’s it, really – all i know.

this past year has been the year of intense and serious work fer yer ‘ol pal lisa. working on really really really paying attention to how i feel has been a time-consuming, moment-to-moment but worthy endeavor. i’m not talking about some whiney-ass, “ohhh, ehhhh, wahhhh, how am i feeling today?” shit. i’m talking about FEELING my way through life. for example: ‘i’m doing this thing right now – how do i feel whilst doing it? terrible? happy? indifferent?’ or THIS fun little one: ‘i’m spending copious amounts of time with this friend/boyfriend/etc – how do i feel when i’m with this person? good? lousy as hell? blah?’

one thought and one feeling (good or bad) lead to another and another and another, so you can see how not feeling good in one instance could really fuck up things for the future, right? and the sad thing is that people go through life like this – miserable and unawares. why? because they don’t really pay attention to how they feel.

i was always taught that feelings are not facts. these days however, i respectfully disagree with that notion. how i feel IS a fact and using feeling as way of navigating life is the easier, softer way. yes. i’ve had to change some things. i don’t hang with peeps that make me feel like shit anymore (try it!). i don’t do things because other people think it’s a good idea for me (try it!). i pay attention simply to the way i feel in each moment. and right now, i feel great. i’m, yano, happy. i want you to feel great and be happy too. the catch though is that you must be vigilant. you must pay attention. you must choose to feel good – letting your feelings point you toward your path of least resistance.

pilar is right. there is no uncertainty with where feeling is concerned. when you know, you know. trust how you feel – and certitude will ensue.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,, love

she’s got a mustache! control + at the same time, sunshine.

April 4, 2014 12:45 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

unvinc

well, well, well, what do you know? tommy lasagna has died and reemerged from the corners of the earth, as louie linguini, to lend us a hand in lending you a hand – or something like that.

Erin: So, Lisa, Tommy, Louie, how you doing?

Louie: I’m fine. Sitting here eating some pistachios because I have to fit into my suit for a wedding in a few weeks. This is what passes for lunch these days. How are you, Erin?

Erin: I’m swell. Wait, who is it that does the ads for pistachios? Dennis Rodman? (*update- Yes, Dennis Rodman.)

Lisa: well, erin, i suck because i dropped my iphone in the bath last night. so i’m in iphone hell right now.

Erin: You’ve really got to be more careful where you stick it, Lisa. On that note, shall we?

What does it mean when a male says he doesn’t like to be told what to do or controlled? or what does that reveal about his personality?
I’m interested in knowing because naturally I’m a bit dominating with men and I was told this by a guy that is interested in me. is this a red flag? Please, advise.

Lisa: it means that you need to CHILLAX. and act like a girl and not a dude. women, you see, are rad.

Louie: Lisa, you are so cisnormative sometimes. I’m not sure that it has anything to do with acting like a MAN or a WOMAN.

Lisa: disagree.

Erin: No one likes to be controlled…unless they do, and that in itself is a red flag.

Louie: But chances are, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to be controlled, he’s essentially saying that he wants to be single.

Erin: Yes.

Lisa: so many chicks want to embrace sperm energy. women are receivers. it’s in our DNA, our physiology. i’m not saying lie down and be a fucking doormat, but let the guy be the guy.

Erin: Bitch, you lost me at “sperm energy.”

Louie: Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?

Lisa: ganging up on me will lead to bad things.

Louie: It just sounds like you’re turning into Alexyss Tyler.

Lisa: ha, okay.

Erin: Basically, relax. Don’t try to control this dude, or any dude. No good can come of it. (And, I think the question reveals more about the asker that the dude she’s asking about.) NEXT

I’ve been wondering this for a while, but guys and girls will have a different time when they reach an orgasm right?So if I, as a guy, reach my orgasm before the girl, do I stop?

Louie: I mean, I think it comes down to what time of day it is. If it’s 5 AM and you’re shit drunk and you have sex and you can even have an orgasm in the first place, and before your female partner does, I would imagine that’s some endgame shit. On the other hand, if it’s a Saturday afternoon, and you’re just lazing around, and you beat your partner to the punch, you better figure out a way to make that shit happen. For her, I mean. Otherwise, she will quickly grow to hate you.

Erin: One point- a guy can only fake that he’s still erect for so long, no? So, he should get her there through other means.

Lisa: people that are super connected have orgasms at the same time, a lot of the time. but brother bear, NEVER EVER STOP. Get the vibrator out or something.

Louie: Or your mouth.

Lisa: mmmmmmmm….louie.

Erin: Brother Bear? Seriously? Ok, but yes, we all agree, don’t leave her hanging.

i have a gf of 4 months. im 26, shes 27. After a month of dating i noticed she has mustache. Its unvincible during night, evening, but on the daylight its pretty obvious. She is really good looking girl and i can just not understand, how she does nothing about it… she has to know she has mustache… i like her and want to keep dating her, but its such a turn off… sometimes i just cant help but keep looking at her mouth when we are together. Some times im almost angry because i just cant understand why she does not get rid of them. And her friends… family they had to notice them too. Someone has to say something about that to her or im i wrong. I would like to bring that topic up and talk about it because it bothers my way too much. When we are together at night evening, i almost forget about it and telling myself im making too much of a deal, but i really dont. You may say im immature but i cant help it. Women should not have any facial hair in my opinion or at least do something about it. After that i start to pay attention to other women and notice there are few others with some minor facial hair. What should i do? I do not want to hurt her but i just want her to do something about it. Its not that hard for gods sake…

Erin: First of all, “unvincible” is not a word. I can only assume you mean invisible, unless you meant invincible mustache, which really means you have a much larger problem than I thought. Okay, this lady clearly has no friends, or no friends that like her, or friends that want her to be the ugly one, so they look prettier when they all go out together. I mean, really? No one has ever told her she has a ‘stache? Or, what’s worse- she knows and is all feminist about her facial hair.

Louie: Or else she’s a member of Le Tigre.

Lisa: i would suggest that he gently, and with grace, talk to her about it- “hey baby, you got a little fur up there.”

Erin: Oof. It would be so much better to have a friend tell her.

Lisa: come on, i know, but no one is telling her, bitch. the hard task has fallen to him.

Louie: He could always leave a missed connection for her on craigslist and then send her the link. That seems like a fairly indirect way of dealing with it, without having to tell her yourself.

Lisa: i disagree and think that if you do it in a playful loving way, it will be fine.

Louie: As a dude, I can say that I am pretty sure this will not happen, Lisa.

Erin: He’s right, she will freak out.

Louie: Talking to women about their bodies can be a very tough task, especially if it’s something “natural” like a little hair on her upper lip. It may just be a “deal breaker,” like any other number of hairy body parts are for certain people.

Lisa: AGAIN, i disagree with you. i think if he likes her he can figure out a way to talk to her about it.

Louie: It won’t, especially if he possesses the same lack of eloquence displayed in his question.

Erin: “Baby, I need to talk to you about your unvinicble mustache.”

Louie: Maybe it is an invincible mustache.

Erin: I don’t know that we helped him, but we tried.

okay, kidzzz, until next time. If you’d like to ask a question, use the form on the top right of erin’s page. We promise to answer it, with some care, at some point. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating

the long deliberation.

April 1, 2014 10:34 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

forandrew

through space
we fell
landing
on this wandering star
at different times
in other places

only
to end up
eventually
here, together
the same, likewise-

and thus we began
the deliberate descent
into one another-

drawing maps
disclosing dreams…
pursuing patience

in spite of nothing
and because of everything
we found

each other.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: love

#AskErinAndLisa – another tinder question, wandering eyes + mr. p*ssy.

March 28, 2014 9:16 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

tindersuxass
hello and greetings from LA – aright – i’m back from my “hiatus” and here to help erin give you so-so advice.

Erin: Hey, Lisa, anything new?

Lisa: hold on, erin. i’ve got “the history of the jews” on pbs right now. let me turn this down.

Erin: oh, really?

Lisa: tommy lasagna told me to watch it.

Erin: Good grief, when I said I was a swanky skanky matchmaker, I was kidding! So, are you refreshed? Ready to do this?

Lisa: yes, i’m back and i’m ready to go.

1. My boyfriend stares a lot at other women. I don’t mean a little glance here and there, but he really, really stares at them for long periods of time.
I know it’s natural for guys to stare, but surely there’s a limit.
I love him, and he says he loves me, but it makes me feel really inadequate when he does it when we’re out in public.
Even at restaurants when I talk to him, he always glances past my face at other women – it makes me feel sick when he does it.
What should I do and should I be worried about it?

Erin: It has been my experience that all people, not just men, but especially men, stare at other people. However, I could not be with a dude who spent more time fixated on other women than me.

Lisa: yes, you should be worried about it. when i first go out with a dude, i always check that he’s looking at me and not at other chicks walking by or in the vicinity of us. it makes me feel sick, too, and i think it’s a problem.

Erin: Have you told him this bothers you? Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. (Which one could argue, is worse.) But, if you’ve pointed this out and he denies and continues the behavior, get the hell out of that lame ass relationship. Life is too short.

Lisa: if you’re at a restaurant and he glances past you, he’s a lame ass motherfucker and you should bail. period.

2. Context: I was just messing around on tinder and saw the gf of a buddy of mine. Normally, I’d let him know without much question, but they moved across the country together and it’s not like I “yes’d” her or anything and don’t know what their situation is and trying to bring up their “situation” (like if that’s what they’re okay with) would probably raise some flags.
So, what is the right thing to do here?
When I saw her I kinda froze up and exited the app. I’ll see if I find her again (I didn’t yes or no her) and see the last time she was “active”…if it’s been recent, I’ll try to casually bring it up and hope for the best, I think.

Lisa: OH DEAR GOD, HELP US ALL. if the bitch is on tinder, she is looking around, a cheater, and not happy in her thing with your friend.

Erin: Yes, you need to tell him. If I was your friend and my girlfriend was on tinder, I would definitely want to know. He would be pissed if he found out you knew and didn’t tell him. Plus, it sounds like they are fairly serious if a cross country move was involved.

Lisa: also: next time, think more quickly! you should have taken a screen shot of that shit! tell your friend.

Erin: Also, dear people of earth, if you think you can be “stealth” on tinder and not get noticed by your significant others friends, you are a first second class idiot.

I went a few times on a date with this man (33 y.o) – (total of 4 dates in 1.5 month).
After the third date, he invited me to his room to ”cuddle” but I politely refused. Two weeks have passed where we texted but did not meet and finally had another date this week end. He asked me if I wanted to come over and I said yes (I felt ready this time). Once in his room we started kissing and took our clothes off. However, when I started going down on him, he said that we were going too fast. This was ok for me but then he went down on me instead. We still did not have sex and then just went to sleep.
I am clearly confused by his behavior…
why did he react this way? what is he looking for?

Lisa: first of all, your cutting weekend in to two words annoys me. secondly, is this guy gay?

Erin: Lisa, no he’s not gay, he went down on her. A gay guy could probs fake his way through intercourse but could he really go down successfully?

Lisa: i’m confused by his behavior, too. if a guy goes down on me, i assume that sex is the immediate next thing.

Erin: Wait, Lisa, maybe he’s like Mr. Pussy from Sex and the City. Remember that episode when Charlotte was dating Mr. Pussy who just wanted to go down on her all the time? And her friends told her she couldn’t bogart Mr. Pussy?

Lisa: oh yeah, that hot jewish guy? i remember.

Erin: No, he wasn’t Jewish. Clearly, you have a one-track mind.

Lisa: yes, erin, i remember, but i need the prize.

Erin: Preaching to the choir, my friend. Alright, the biggest red flag I see here, is that a 33 year old man invited you to his “room” to “cuddle” after the third date.

Lisa: ugh, i’m going back to “the history of the jews” on pbs. laterz.

—

good luck everyone and don’t worry, we’ll be back next week and we may even get Tommy Lasagna to weigh in on your many, many, many, many problems. To ask a question, use the box on the top right of erin’s page. kisses. and stay off tinder, k?

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

uncertainty – a love story.

March 24, 2014 5:53 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

uncertain

i sit on my back porch watching the union pacific train roll by. i do this a lot. i am uncertain of where the train is going, where it even came from. but i watch it anyway, make up stories about its journey in my head. i drift off into some weird time/space reality, until i know not where i even am anymore. sigh. (before you roll your eyes at my floaty nature, know that i have the unfair advantage in life to be both an only child AND an aquarius, so, please dear reader, cut me a little fucking slack.)

uncertainty – that great pesky presence in our lives – is both a comforting and a confounding notion. no one knows anything, really – with any certainty. i don’t really like thinking about the unknown much. it hurts. it’s too painful. too wrought with scenarios of why this and why not that and why why why. too much for a sensitive little heart + soul like mine to bear. but here i am, sitting alone on the porch with uncertainty as my steadfast companion, questioning everything.

uncertainty. it’s just a word, right? yeah. ummmm, #whatever. this shit BLOWS. but having been on the planet for a while, i do my best to stay in vibrational goodness, yano, i try to stay in a place where the unknown is not a scary, subversive monster, instead choosing to reside in a place of faith (or something close to it). we all wonder what will happen next, what the future may hold. but as far as i can tell, there is no future. there is no forever, no happily ever after. just here, just now. so what is it that you are uncertain of? your career? your next meal? when you will die? when your soul mate will show up? what will happen in five years? five minutes?

who doesn’t want a definitive? a hard truth to hold on to. promises. contracts. but life provides none of these things. life is a moment to moment thing – an unknown. so today, i have decided to embrace uncertainty with wide open arms and a glad spirit. i decide today to live with reckless abandon. to love even though it hurts. to keep my heart open even though it might get broken (again). to treat every hello and every goodbye as a gift. i cry a little. i decide to go to yoga. i decide to write these words. i decide to not let uncertainty rule me. i decide to be happy without a guarantee of anything.

the train is coming by again. where it’s going, i still don’t know and where it’s going isn’t the point anyway.

nope. it’s not the point at all.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: existential crisis, familiarity, lessons, life,, love

#AskErinAndLisa – more of your love/sex questions, poorly answered.

March 13, 2014 10:08 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

TLASAN

We’re back! And we are not alone……

Erin: Hey, Lisa! We are so lucky, because today, we have help, in the form of a man.

Lisa: well…hmmm.

Erin: We can’t use his real name.

Tommy: You can call me Tommy Lasagna.

Erin: He’s currently in a top secret location in the Alps or something. We needed back up because Lisa is currently enjoying/dragging her ass through SXSW. So are you ready to help/confuse people?

Tommy: I think I am. I have to score 45 more points in this Spades game. It’s a metaphor for relationships.

Erin: Here’s our first question…

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years, and we’ve been living together for about 8 months. We get along great, both love each other, and will be engaged (hopefully) within the next year. However our sex life is… plain- other times bad. He doesn’t like to try new positions- he has two that are his favorites and that’s all he ever wants. As far as oral sex goes, I give him blow jobs pretty consistently but the last time he’s gone down on me was at least 6 months ago. I keep myself clean & shaven so I’m not sure what the problem is but anytime I bring it up he just says he doesn’t like it. (I don’t enjoy giving blow jobs but I do anyway because I know he likes them).

Sex is most of the time unsatisfying for me. It takes me awhile to climax and he finishes pretty quickly sometimes. He’s usually tired afterwards and falls asleep- which leaves me laying there still turned on and unsatisfied. It not only makes me sexually frustrated but emotionally as well. I just want him to finish me off in some way. It just seems like he doesn’t care about how I feel after sex.

Any tips on how to bring this up to him either directly/indirectly?

Erin: First of all, what’s with both of you? You don’t like to give blow jobs, but do so begrudgingly, and he doesn’t like to go down on you. Um, are you sure you’re both straight?

Tommy: It could be that she has a very shallow mouth and he has a very short tongue.

Lisa: i have a friend whose boyfriend won’t eat her out either and it’s the source of much tension in their relationship.

Erin: Also, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone you cannot have an open conversation with about your sex life.

Lisa: i agree with you, erin.

Erin: I mean, can she get herself off? Perhaps part of their sex life can include that, which may spark his interest in actually giving her an orgasm.

Lisa: her dude sounds like a selfish prick.

Tommy: I’m not sure it’s possible to be with someone whose genitals you won’t put in your mouth. I mean it is possible. But, then you spend all day writing into advice columns asking them to help you fill a hole you yourself have dug.

Erin: I think our general consensus is- she should move on. Next!

Is it possible to love two girls at once? I’m just curious as to if you have nay experience with this and if you think it’s possible.

Lisa: i think you can have love for many people. but being in love? one at a time, please.

Erin: I have felt, in the past, like I loved two people at once, but, really, it was just me being fucked up and unable to commit.

Tommy: I was actually reading the other day about love (because that’s what I do when I’m procrastinating and, also, when I’m not playing Spades on my iPhone.)

Erin: You are really good at procrastinating. And it takes one to know one. (Why do you think I have this blog?)

Tommy: Well, anyway, I was reading this book by Bell Hooks, called “All About Love.” And, she is talking about what we are actually feeling when we’re in love with someone. She uses this term “cathexis,” which apparently is a Freudian term that essentially means investing energy into someone. That’s what got me thinking. Bell Hooks has this critique of romantic love or notions of romantic love. She argues that we actually have some standard definition of love, and that we should think of love as an action, rather than a feeling. And, it’s this whole idea that real love is what lets you and the other person flourish.

Lisa: OMG i’m getting teary-eyed.

Tommy: So, when someone asks me if it’s possible to love two people, I think the only serious legitimate answer is: AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT.

(Erin and Lisa explode into laughter.)

Lisa: excellent advice. hold on, tommy, do you want to be my fantasy jewish boyfriend?

Tommy: I’m almost done with this game of Spades.

Erin: Is this like Fantasy Football?

Tommy: I honestly think I do better as a fantasy/ internet boyfriend because I do not have time to help others flourish.

Lisa: ok then, tommy lasagna is my new fantasy jewish bf.

Erin: You read it here first.

Went on two dates that I thought went pretty good and then received the message below about her basically friend zoning me. Curious how you would respond, as I’ve yet to send her a reply.
Thanks.

—> As far as going out again, I’m not sure about it at this point and I don’t think it would be fair to you to keep going out while I figure out what I want. I know I definitely had a good time with you and like you a lot. I’m just not sure if I see more than friendship and I would feel like I was leading you on if we continued to go out on dates. If you would like to keep talking I’m open to it but I definitely understand if you would rather not.

Tommy: Ok, I got this one. So, you went on two dates that you thought went pretty good. And then the (girl) sends you a message that indicated you thought wrong. As far as getting let down easy, I think this girl’s message is pretty spot on.

Erin: Agreed. She’s not into you. Say, “thanks.”

Tommy: I actually always breathe a sigh of relief when I get a message like the one she sent, because there is no second guessing and she isn’t wasting your time. (Even though while you’ve been waiting for our reply, you have probably sent her back some stupid self-deprecating message that made you look insane.) You should’ve probably just replied, “Thank you, I love you.”

Lisa: i’d respond like this: ‘k’. or my FAVE: ‘kk’ – but, i’m not a big ‘ol long-winded text asshole like a lot of people.

Tommy: Omg, I think we were meant to be together, Lisa.

Erin: I feel like some swanky skanky matchmaker.

…

And on that note, we’re outta here! Thank you, Tommy Lasagna, for bestowing your relationship wisdom upon us. We hope you join us again. Please wish Tommy and I good luck with our fantasy relationship.

Now that we have a male perspective on board, send that deep burning question in. We will get to it as quickly as possible. You can use the box on the top right of erin’s page – and your anonymity is golden.
XOXO

P.S. Tommy Lasagna, aka, my new jewish fantasy boyfriend, deep incognito: proxy

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

crystal vision + clearing the way.

March 4, 2014 12:16 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

LISA

i sold my house three months ago. i was at the airport in mexico when i got the call from my realtor who told me we we had an offer that was legit, the buyers were frealz and i needed to find another place to live, “oh you know, pretty quickly”. i said ok, wrote a sad goodbye ditty to mr. morningstar, got a coffee and stared at strangers getting on planes. i wondered where i’d move, what it would look like. i wondered what part of the city i’d soon be living. until that moment, i’d only thought of selling my house and actually moving as an idea that some future would bring because other things were happening that i was focused on. ahem.

staying stubbornly true to my detached and lofty (read: total pain in the ass) aquarian nature, i only had a vague, blurry vision of what i wanted: close to downtown. a couple of bedrooms. i hired another realtor. i drove around for days to suss out the vibe of each potential ‘hood. i got discouraged. i cried a few times. i called my mother. sometimes on the road we travel, we lose sight of where we were going in the first place and and why we even started out on the journey; sure there were a lot of places out there to live, but none of them were feeling right and none of it was feeling good.

…and then i remembered that i had to ask for what i wanted because the vague, lofty, detached shit wasn’t working. i needed to be clear on the vision. what i wanted was out there, somewhere – and just because i couldn’t see it/feel it/touch it was of little matter. faith always wins over fear, right? right. the tough thing about this ‘lil lesson in clarity is that it works for everything – but, um, it’s the consciously applying it to every-single-thing-every-goddamned day that’s the bitch. we forget. we slip into negative shit with negative people. the rule is that what you want exists, but you have to believe and proceed accordingly with ev-er-y-thing, not just the occasional, haphazard thought of that eventual boyfriend/girlfriend/job/house/parking spot. get really clear and watch what happens. get really clear on how you want to feel and pay close attention to what’s happening around you when you feel good. get really clear on the type of people you wanna be around and watch who rolls into your atmosphere. get really clear on what you want to see with your eyes and then open them. get really clear and watch whatever you want appear. i found my groovy pad with little effort, by focusing – and by knowing – it existed.

remember what you want. see it. feel it like you already have it. it’s there anyway, waiting for you to stop staring at strangers, wanting you to get on the plane – waiting to take you wherever it is you want to go.

for erin in nyc + a certain someone in austin, tx.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,

#AskErinAndLisa – your questions, honestly answered. ahem.

February 27, 2014 11:56 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

aeal

erin and I are back to tackle world issues, solve global crises, or just give you bad advice about your sex life.

1.

I met a babe on a business trip. We really hit it off but we live about a 6 hour plane ride apart. He wants me to come visit him. I want him to come visit me. I offered to meet him somewhere we can both fly cheaper and direct as a compromise. My question is this: is his unwillingness to literally go the distance a foreshadowing of his inability to figuratively go the distance in a relationship? Should I rescind my offer and let him come to me if he wants to see me again? ALSO, if it’s on should i warn him I may not put out?

Erin: Lisa, can you believe it’s been a whole week since our last post?

Lisa: well, time has gone by quickly for me, because I’ve been doing a lot of tinder-izing.

Erin: In the last week, I’ve been drunk at a Romanian steakhouse, fielded emails from strangers who think I should be raped because they didn’t like what I said, and mourned the loss of what I thought was Spring last weekend.

Lisa: drunk at a romanian steakhouse?! i can’t wait to come visit you in manhattan, erin! i got stood up by a tinder date. that’s cool.

Erin: Can you go back in time and left-swipe?

Lisa: i just chose to never answer any more of his pleas to see me. so, that’s done.

Erin: Yeah, his “apology” texts you forwarded to me were really lame. Alright, enough of this. Let’s answer this bitch’s question.

Lisa: ah, the good ol’ bizness trip babe. what a fantastic and beautiful thing.

Erin: I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that I have had more than one long-distance relationship/affair/dalliance/whatever. And, when I was, I honestly preferred going to them, because if someone comes to you and probably stays with you, you’re trapped. If you go to them, you can escape. Meeting in between could be fun, as long as you have an escape plan.

Lisa: ok, you already put it out there that you are willing to meet him somewhere neutral. i like this idea. as far as foreshadowing goes, this is not a hitchcock flick. he doesn’t know you and you don’t really know him, so compromise on the locale is appropriate in your case. as we all know by now, i’m a bit of a hard ass when it comes to the guy making the first move, but my rules must be relaxed when it comes to dating long distance.

Erin: Here’s another thought. If you don’t want to put out when you meet, I’m thinking you must be looking for some level of relationship with this person. And, I wonder why you want to get into a long distance relationship. I got into them, probably so I didn’t have to really commit- not that I was unfaithful, but you know you only have to give so much if you only see the person once a month. The thing about long-distance is it’s great if you want a relationship to give you some stability with minimal effort and time commitment. However, at a certain point it’s just going to feel like you’re tied down and not getting laid, enjoying all the crap that comes with a relationship without the benefits.

Lisa: whatever you do, don’t rescind your offer. you would come off as crazy-town and confused and no one wants to see that. and sure, warn him that you may not fuck him right away, but be open to all possibilities, please.

2.

So, I met this guy on facebook randomly. We hit it off instantly via messenger, then text, then phone. We texted a ton every day. We had our first date yesterday. It was wonderful. Intense chemistry, great dialogue. I was comfortable and things felt natural.

So I tell my friend “Patty” I met a guy. “Patty” asks his name. A while later, she texts me and says, “He has a past.” I guess she found a friend of his friend who said he is a player? Like in the past (and this has been several years) he’d supposedly go to a bar and get drunk and make out with girls. Okay. So this guy is 35 now and I wonder, do I hold his past against him?

It’s really discouraging to know this about him so early on in the getting to know you phase. It has soured my view on him and made me more cautious. I have been hurt twice with really painful breakups and this seems like a recipe for disaster.

Side note: I did NOT tell my friend to dig and find out info about him and frankly can’t tell if I’m annoyed or should appreciate this.

Lisa: god, i loathe patty already. she seems like a drama mama and a chaos maker.

Erin: Yeah, “Patty” just wants to yuck your yum. Unless, “Patty” knows you and knows that you make poor decisions when it comes to men, such as meeting them on Facebook. What are you, 17?

Lisa: i ALWAYS think people should decide for themselves about other people. i’ve heard this kind of warning in the form of ‘oh-it’s-something-you-should-know’ about dudes i’ve dated/begun to date and guess what? i don’t give a shit. i prefer to inform my own decisions when it comes to others. you could ask 100 people what they think of me and someone (ok, maybe many someones) would have some shitty opinion of me. based on what? an interaction they had with me that was less than favorable? ok. a guy i haphazardly dated/made out with/had sex with/whatever when i was less discerning than i am now? fair. but your “friend” Patty needs to respect that you are in something new and allow you to experience it without the commentary based on a friend of a friend.

Erin: If the worst thing in his past is that several years ago he got drunk at bars and made out with girls, I can only imagine what “Patty” would have to say about me. This doesn’t sound like a red flag. If that behavior when he was younger shocks you or “Patty,” I am far more concerned with the level of excitement in your lives.

3.

Out of sheer curiosity what do you think is an appropriate time to wait to have sex with some one you really like and potentially want to be serious with? I have heard many answers. I also understand that we are all different and all circumstances and situations are different. However, I think that there is a natural instinct or desire in each of us to hunt and chase or to want what we can’t have or want some thing we have to work hard for to get.

Erin: Hold on a minute, Lisa is squealing.

Lisa: omg, great question. i’ve been thinking about this a lot for myself, as well. i’d say to wait at least a few dates, let’s say 5-7, if you want a long-term, frealz serious thing.

Erin: I have a hard time with this question. I think every serious relationship I ever had began with sex, and truthfully, sex too soon/right away. I’ve never been good at following “the rules.” I am not advocating this, but that has been my experience. I will add, that I have slept with far less people than most of my friends, but that doesn’t mean I have ever waited if there was someone I wanted to get naked with. I like to think of it as good intuition. However, a survey of some of my past boyfriends could counter-argue the intuition defense.

Lisa: listen, the advent of online dating has created a cesspool and culture of peeps that meet up/fuck and never talk again. i’m not really into that shit (anymore), but lotsa folks are.

Erin: Good point, I have never done the online dating thing, unless you count the dudes I’ve met from this blog. Just kidding! (sort of).

Lisa: eventual outcomes with regard to having sex are always dicey, but if you want something more meaningful in your life, WAIT.

Erin: Also, waiting will give you an opportunity to see if YOU really want that level of intimacy with that person.

…

Keep sending us your questions/problems/quandaries. We will answer them all. If you sent us a question and it has not been answered yet, rest assured that it will be, eventually! Use the box at the top right of rarely wrong erin to ask a question. As always your anonymity is golden.

xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: lessons, life,

the friend zone, she’s posing naked?! + sweet sophie.

February 20, 2014 11:54 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

NUDIE

1.

Im 30 and shes 27, been together 8 months n actually were talkin seriously about moving in 2gether. We’re in love and had a great relationship until recently. She drops this bomb that she wants 2 pose nude for a magazine. I’m kind of floored by this, yes she is very attractive, but she never acted like the type to wanna do this. I’m not ok with this, I say 2 her why you wanna have other guys seeing you naked, she says its not that she wants that. She said the money isvery good and would put a “huge dent” in what she owes for her student loans and she really wouldnt have to do anything but get her picture taken.

I dont feel that is a good enough reason 2 do this at all, I dont want a bunch of other guys seeing her naked and jerking off to it and sh*t like that. Shes says Im not being very mature and that it is “her body”. I dont dispute its her body, and shes like “oh not like anyone will be touching me only you get to do that its reserved for only you” and im just thinking “yeah I thought seeing you naked was reserved for only me too”.

I’m not really going to play games though, I’m too old for games. I told her she is free to do what she wants, but if she did this then I’d be breaking up with her. She was like “oh then I really cant do what I want can I”. But that isn’t true, she can. There is no law that says she has to stay with me, although I’d be heartbroken if we had to break up.

Am I over reacting here and not being fair? I think its crazy for any girl to think her bf would be ok with this. We havent talked much today, she says I’m trying to control her. I said nope and if you feel this way maybe we shouldnt be together. So then she gets mad saying that Im always talking about breaking up so I must want out. I dont even know how to respond to these things. If I wanted out Id break up with her, I dont need to use any excuse. I told her I love her and dont ever wanna be without her.

I told her the fact that she wants to do something she knows will really hurt me is really hurtful in itself. She says there is no reason to be hurt. So am I out of line here?

Lisa: hey erin, how’s it going? what’s up?

Erin: Well, Lisa, I am sitting on my hands, using all my power, not to correct the horrendous grammar/spelling/poor word usage in this question. You 2?

Lisa: yes, that’s very prince-like of this dude, if i do say so myself. but, anyway i feel pretty good. i had a call with my psychic today, who told me that my next boyfriend is on the way and that he’s not any of the dudes i currently know – thank GOD.

Erin: Wait, you have a psychic?

Lisa: erin, not only do i have a psychic, i have a chiropractor, a holistic healer, a massage therapist, and a shrink. it takes a village.

Erin: Holy shit, Lisa. We’re trying to instill a little faith in these people that we are not as crazy as they are.

Lisa: whatevs. ok, on to the dude and his problem. oh, lawdy, here’s the deal- if you are in an adult committed relationship, THERE MUST BE RECIPROCITY, there must be compromise. people that are all, “we’re so free love and non-jealous and everything is all fairies and flowers”- i call total BULLSHIT on all that. if you are with someone seriously, you don’t just get to do whatever the fuck you want, period.

Erin: I just need to get this out of the way first- you are a 30 year old man- don’t replace to/too with 2. Ok, I will let the rest go. Now, as for your situation, while there’s no right or wrong answer about posing nude, you absolutely have a right to voice your opinion and it is understandable that you would be hurt that she’s not taking that into consideration.

Lisa: yeah, it sounds like you’ve been very clear and communicative.

Erin: When I was a teenager, I knew this older couple that a lot of people used to get drugs from. On their anniversary, the dude decided he would rent a porno for them to watch later. It was probably a VHS, maybe a DVD, because I am old. At the video store, he was surprised to find his live-in girlfriend of 5 years on the cover of a porno. She had made it while they were together and said she did it for the money, which makes no sense because they had money and she was paid something like $400. My point is- your girlfriend can’t be getting paid that much. With all the free internet porn available, there’s no way she’s paying off her debt this way, unless she is a celebrity and you left that part out of the story- which seems unlikely given her unpaid student loan debt.

Lisa: you’re not out of line. lay back and watch. i’ll bet you $10 her next move will be pole dancing.

Erin: Smooth move, Lisa. You’re going to need that $10 to pay for your team of experts.

2.

I am a 25 yo female and have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We recently started living together and everything is great, but sex. I have never been so frustrated in my entire life about sex.
The thing is that my boyfriend just cares about himself during intercourse. I feel as if I were just an object for his pleasure. As an example: I always do oral to him, masturbate him and all kinds of foreplay before sex. I always do all the work, while he NEVER touches me, neither he does oral to me. Nothing.
He believes sex is just about himself, and ignores that it is an exchange of value among both of the lovers. I have talked to him MULTIPLE TIMES about it and he just doesn’t care. He has seen me sad about it too, but he refuses to change his behavior.

Now, just so you know a little more about myself – I think I am a very healthy person (I eat healthy, I don’t smoke, etc). I am also a very clean person (shower twice a day, etc). I think I am fairly attractive (redhead, slender, green eyes..) , but my boyfriend doesn’t care about any of that. He watches porn and masturbates all day while I am at work (because he doesn’t work), and when I come home he doesn’t even seem interested in me. Actually, no – he is only interested in me doing oral sex to him.

I am getting tired of the situation, and this might be a deal breaker for me. I hate it. I have had multiple lovers in my life, and gets lot of male attention. Since the situation is what it is, I am afraid I might end up cheating on him. I am always a very honest person, so I am concerned about having the temptation of sleeping with other people.

I thought that if I refused to have sex with him at all he would change, so I did it and his response was just not having sex with me, and just continuing to watch porn. So, that didn’t work either. I am desperate. I don’t know what to do.

I love him, so I don’t want to break up with him, but the situation is getting ugly. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life this way.

I would enormously appreciate any advice.

Thank you,
– Sophie.

Erin: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. Let’s set up your boyfriend up with the chick in the first question.

Lisa: oh, sophie. sophie, sophie, sophie.

Erin: Alright, the fact that you haven’t cheated on or dumped this loser tells me that you are either a masochist or have serious issues with your father. Much like I told the people who asked questions last week, RUN! You are a young, attractive woman. Don’t waste one more minute with this douche bag.

Lisa: you sound like a really lovely person. like you, i have green eyes too. did you know that less than two percent of the world’s population has green eyes? what i’m trying to say is that you are special and this porn-addicted freak-o, that is currently you’re boyfriend, ain’t. look, i like porn every now and again. i watched a little PornHub last night, in fact. but the combination of not having sex with you, you doing all of the work, and OH! he doesn’t have a job – your brain must be on sensory overload with all the red flags waving in front of you. get out, lose this loser. you deserve more, i can tell.


3.

I was with a girl, we went on a date for drinks and afterwards asked her to come back to my place. She agrees and comes over, I make a move on her for a kiss and she turns me down. Then I climb on my bed and lay on my stomach…. She takes her shoes off and climbs in my bed and puts her legs around me in a flirtatious manner. I put my hand on her and she doesn’t push me off. I drop her at home and she said she had fun we should do it again. Should I keep chasing or am I in the friend zone

Erin: You climb on your bed and lay on your stomach?

Lisa: if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have come over.

Erin: Well, I will say that when I was younger, say 19-26-ish, I was a fucking nightmare. I was a tease, I was all over the place, I gave people mixed signals. So, you might be in the friend zone, the friend-I-like-to-flirt-with-and-might-sleep-with-one-day-if-I am-drunk-zone.

Lisa: i’m gonna disagree here, erin. although she may be sending you confusing signals, i think she is to be commended. i’m trying to approach relationships like this now too — more cautiously — because i recently blew it with a skater guy that i really really really really liked by being too available.

Erin: Skater guy? What are you- fourteen?

Lisa: well, erin, actually, we’re pretty close in age. and i just took a buzzfeed quiz that said that my real age is 24. so there.

Erin: I guess I should shut-up, considering my last post was about the fact that I act like a fifteen year old. Also, I need to come clean. I take at least 4 BuzzFeed quizzes a week. Go ahead, ask me which character I am on Twin Peaks or Downton Abbey.

Lisa: oh erin, please, which character are you on twin peaks?

Erin: Laura Palmer, duh.

…

rarely wrong erin and I will be back next week to answer more questions. We’ve got a lot to choose from- tinder, facebook hookups, helping your friend snoop on her boyfriend, orgasms, loving two people at the same time, and many more. Keep them coming, we will answer all questions eventually and anonymously, unless you say it’s ok to include your name. Use the box at the top right of erin’s page and have a wicked awesome weekend. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love