For Cliff.


I don’t remember when I met Clifford Cantor or how, it just seems like I always knew him. He was one of those kind of people: familiar. He would pick me up from my apartment in the Miracle Mile district in his Cadillac and we would drive around the city of Los Angeles listening to dirty gangster rap, windows down, AC on. He was funny and we laughed a lot – well, mostly it was I who laughed at his sarcastic, sassy ass, self-deprecating humour. We’d go eat Thai food. We’d go to a meeting. He was kind. Kind in the way that many people don’t know how to be – he made you feel okay, even if you felt like nothing would ever be okay again. He was handsome in that Jewish Prince-handsome-kind-of-way. He was generous. He always opened the door for me. He never let me pay. He never let me pump my own gas. He let me cry when I needed to and I never felt judged. Yeah. He was that kind of guy. Kind. Compassionate. A sardonic tongue with a soul as sweet as honey. Cliff was a friend to me.

I guess I thought he’d always be around.

I’m not sure what happens when people die. It’s a concept I’ve wrestled with since my best friend, Juli, died at the ripe ’ol age of 13. This notion, this action of death – it, like, it, um – haunts me. So today, as I sit here thinking about life and death and Cliff and how nothing seems to make any sense sometimes, I remember our laughter, the drives through the Hills, the repose I felt when I was around him – and find comfort in the fact that knowing Clifford Cantor changed me. He existed in this time-space continuum, on this pale blue dot and I was one of the lucky people that got to know him. I loved him, I did – and goddammit, I wish I woulda told him this more recently. But isn’t that the way it goes sometimes?

Oh Cliff: We will all miss you so. Godspeed. Kisses. Good wishes. Thank you for every last ridiculous fucking thing. I will think of you often and when I do, each thought will surely be accompanied by a stupid smile and a little bit of regret.


he ain’t that into you, she has a kid + the perils of being socially awkward

buzzzErin: Hey bitch, it’s been awhile. How’s life?

Lisa: (Lisa lets out a deep sigh.) so far, so good, bitch. i bought a new cannondale road bike and i’m on a professional cycling team now. lots of changes. i’m also doing a diet called “the whole 30,” so i’m hangry a lot of the time. how are you doing, miss erin?

Erin: Other than this horrible summer cough, that may or may not be consumption, I’m swell. I have fished out the oldest questions from the inbox, as they’ve been lingering there far too long.

Lisa: ok good, because i’ve missed us.


I‘ve been talking to a guy I like a lot from another state. He’s in Florida and I’m in Connecticut. We’ve been talking for 2 months now and a couple days ago he stops replying/won’t answer any of the new texts I send. He only has an instagram, I have him added on there. He’s liked and uploaded pictures since the 2 days have passed.
Our ages are 19 and 26. I know that seems a little old for me but we have a lot in common and he’s amazing! He does like me too and I know he isn’t catfishing me. Don’t worry. And we aren’t together. Am I being too clingy or what?
I’m just a bit confused and want some advice.
Thank you for the answers.


Lisa: if that guy has stopped responding, a- he’s just not that into you, and b- he’s not that amazing.

Erin: I am 100% sure that the dude is hiding something, be it a girlfriend/occupation/true identity/true name etc. You’ve never met him. What we don’t know is if you have video chatted/talked on the phone etc. Maybe the dude on instagram who you thunk you’ve been talking to, doesn’t even know you, because you are indeed being cat-fished.

Lisa: i think you’re infatuated with the idea of who this person might be. whatever you do, DON’T REACH OUT AGAIN because if he doesn’t respond and you’re chasing his ass, it’s YOUR self-esteem that’s taking a hit. trust me.

Erin: The bottom line- move on. It doesn’t matter why he’s not responding.



I’ll come straight to the point. My girl-friend whom I met a little over a month ago has a two year old son from a previous relationship. In the beginning everything was fine but after about two weeks the first doubts started creeping in on my part whether I would be able to accept another man’s child in my life and whether I could live with this. Feelings of jealousy, frustration and anger took hold of me. Jealous… at a two year old kid who NEEDS his mum. I don’t know how I can have these feelings or where they stem from. I feel awful having these feelings as I see myself as a good person. I also find them very unfair toward my girl-friend and her two year old son. Is it normal for a man to have these feelings and can he ever get rid of them?

When I see the kid (who happens to be very sweet) I don’t see it as my girl-friend’s but as the child of another man. I just cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that the woman I love has had a child by another man. I feel I am ready to have children myself, I just don’t want another man’s kids.
The kid still sees his dad when his dad has time to see him and, so I’ve heard, is a good dad.

I’m getting fed up talking to my girl-friend about these feelings of jealousy, frustration and anger and I don’t know if she is the right person to talk to. She is very understanding but obviously does not want to hear the things I am saying to her because they, not surprisingly, stab her right through the heart.

Sometimes I feel I need to finish the relationship because when I think of the ‘enormity’ of the situation I seem to stop functioning. Of course, I like my girl-friend (insofar one can say I love her after one month).

I just want to come to terms with my feelings. Am I being too much of a martyr? Am I being selfish?


Erin: Do this woman, and more importantly this child, a favor and end this. Let her find a relationship with a man who can be a man and handle the situation. Don’t fuck up their dynamic by inserting tiny seeds of resentment against an innocent child. Trust me, the kid will pick up on this. It does wonders for the self-esteem in those formative years. I fully understand that it is a complicated situation, which is why you shouldn’t treat it lightly.

Lisa: i don’t necessarily think you are being selfish or a martyr, but i think this probably isn’t the relationship for you. i mean, if she had a haircut you didn’t love or wasn’t as fit as you would prefer her to be, those things can be changed. but she has a living, breathing extension of herself that she is responsible for. so don’t overthink it too much. regardless of why and all that other shit, it doesn’t sound like you can handle the kid thing. move on and give her the chance to find someone who can.


Should I break up with my boyfriend because he is socially awkward?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We’ve been going through a rough patch lately and talking about problems we have and if we can work through them or not. There’s one thing in particular that I keep thinking about though: he’s socially awkward/rude.

It seems that we’re opposites when it comes to our social lives. Having a social life is very important to me. Whenever I bring him to family functions he stays quiet and constantly stays on his phone, he makes no effort to socialize even when I try to include him in conversation. I’m afraid to have him around my friends, mostly political reasons, he’s conservative and can be very judgmental of people, while most of my friends are more liberal. Even just the two of us going out together can be embarrassing; if one thing goes wrong or he doesn’t get to do what he wants, he’s in a sour mood for the rest of the day.

Basically I’m sick of him getting grumpy when he feels awkward if things don’t go his way and I don’t want to keep having to explain his odd actions to my family and friends.

I’m wondering if it’s selfish of me to allow this to be the deal breaker in our relationship.
Can these type of people change, should I help him work on it?
Or should I just move on with my life?


Erin: To get to the point and answer your specific questions: No, it’s not selfish of you to allow this to be the deal breaker. He sounds like a fucking wet blanket. It has been my experience that these types of people do not readily change. I don’t think you should help him work on it. And, yes, you should move on with your life. Don’t waste time with someone who you feel “afraid” to bring around friends and family. Your relationship should be the LEAST STRESSFUL part of your life.

Lisa: in preparation for this question, i took this buzzfeed quiz, which informed me that i am moderately socially awkward.

Erin: OMG, I need to take this test now, because I have been abstaining from BuzzFeed quizzes and this is a perfect freebee. Hold, please.

Lisa: while erin’s taking this quiz, my boyfriend has been telling me that i’m socially awkward, which i take great offense to, because i love people and will talk to just about everyone.

Erin: Ok, I’m back. First, Lisa, I’ve known you for 10 years. You are an oddball and a free spirit, but I don’t ever think of you as socially awkward. And now, the results of my test are…… “Congratulations, you are not awkward at all.”

Lisa: the other issue is he’s a crotchety conservative and you are a lovely liberal, so there’s a great divide between your ideals.

Erin: Anyway, you slice it, this sounds like a poor match. Get out and move on.

Alright, we’ve basically told everyone today to move on and find someone new. It’s Summer! Get outside, have fun, be safe. (Use a condom!) To ask a question, use the form on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually and with some care). xoxo


An open letter to Team Super Awesome.


Dear Overlord + Team Super Awesome:

On this, the 23rd day of June, 2014, I hereby submit the requested list of my lamentable skills to you and yours for consideration for member status in T$A. Firstly, let it be known that I am a novice cyclist. Actually, I have little to no knowledge of the sport of cycling – but i did just buy an R1000 Cannondale road bike – so, um, like, does that count for anything? Also: although, this might seem like a stupid, idiotic and far-fetched notion, I thought T$A would be the ideal entry point for me, the trouble with lisa, in which to immerse myself in the wonderful world of cycling. I mean, why not just start at the bottom, you know? (And by bottom, I mean a team of super-skilled weirdos)

Since I am a newbie and since I understand this particular value proposition may be not that great for T$A (as it is my assumption you most likely prefer more knowledgeable, advanced members), I propose you review my limited, paltry, pathetic, list ‘o skills and perhaps consider me (if after your conscientious review you deem me worthy to go on to the next phase), as an apprentice member of your most elite squad; a serf, a peasant, someone to facilitate the needs of the other uber elite members. Said apprenticeship would last until either of two things happen: 1) I decide that cycling is not for me, or 2) you decide that cycling is not for me. Really, this could be a win/win situation for both parties as I am quite affable and take almost nothing (excepting oral hygiene) seriously. And so, all this being said and true, I abjectly give to you my skill set (in no particular order):

1) Moderately hard worker/somewhat trainable. (hard skill)

2) Appropriate usage of my sardonic sense of humor – often handy in stressful, shitty situations. (soft skill)

3) Not bad w/ a twitter account or writing (I hold a degree in public relations, I think). (hard skill)

4) Not too much of a jank. (is this a skill?)

5) Motivated + magical. (soft skill)

And there you have it. Thank you kindly for your careful consideration. I look very forward to hearing back from you.

Best regards blah blah blah,


PS: Or can I just have a shirt


REVISED: 5 things to please refrain from doing. (reminders for you and for me too).


hey freaks: last year i wrote a post about five things that we should all be mindful of and stop doing. it was such a hit amongst my 10-15 readers that i thought it was time to do it again. i’m also working on a top 5 list of personal skills as part of the vetting process for team super awesome, the bike team i’m trying to join, even though i don’t really know how to bike. whatever. i’ll share that with you next, because i know how much you care. cheers. and, so, without further ado:

1- pretending to be invulnerable. the ability to be vulnerable with others actually helps them trust you and to be vulnerable and open in return. this doesn’t mean you have to let your insecurities lead every thought or every discussion, but people spend far too much time acting cool because they are afraid of being real and subsequently getting hurt (i’m a master at this, fyi). open up. see what happens.

2- creating resentment. as my mother often tells me, “don’t borrow trouble, lisa”. creating trust and affection is so much more rewarding than making up reasons to be a hater, don’t you think?

3- comparing yourself to other people. really. don’t compare. there will always be someone more handsome, prettier, richer, skinnier, their shit more together than you. comparing yourself is a waste of your precious life + mind space. you are the only one of you. and congratulations – you’re amazing.

4- blatantly checking out other guys/girls esp. when you’re with your steady. yeah, yeah, i get it: there are good looking people everywhere. but don’t be a disrespectful asshole – it’s fucking rude.

5- overthinking things. this one gets me in trouble a lot. i’ve wasted copious amounts of time trying to figure out shit that in the end never mattered anyway. go fly a kite. go for a run. or do what i do and go zone out at your local skatepark. free your mind – and see what follows.


#AskErinAndLisa – straight girl crush, beards are better + lose the loser.


Erin: Hey Lisa Lisa, how you doing?

Lisa: hey erin, i’m hanging on by a thread. you know, the usual lisa limmons. drinking coffee, looking out my window, and i’ve already seen 5 teslas go by.

Erin: Thank God you’ve had coffee! Also, yes, I know the usual Lisa Limmons, oh so well. You ready?

Lisa: yeah bitch, let’s do this.


Please help! This is going to be lengthy but I really need advice – how do I get over this straight girl crush?

My feelings have subsided a bit since the crush materialized about a year ago but part of it is still there. I’ve had a terrible crush on another woman but there’s no way I would ever be with her. We are in completely different stages in life. She’s 42, married to a man and they have three kids together (one minor, two adults). I’m 24, single with no kids and starting out as a young professional. I’m a lesbian, but I’m feminine and I haven’t told her my sexuality. To be honest, I think she could be bisexual but I’m not really sure.

We met through work. She has flirted a few times in the past, but I think it’s just a part of her personality. For example:

She’s told me that if she ever leaves her husband it’ll be for another woman

I’ve noticed her long glances at me (like when I’m looking at a menu or watching tv). When I asked her what’s up she didn’t say anything

She insisted we sleep in the bed together although I offered to take the couch (nothing happened of course)

She once called me at work to chat and told me she didn’t have panties on (wth!). We fell into a giggle-fest but who does that?

In a different phone call, she told me her husband was coming in town for the weekend and asked did I want to have an orgy (***!) I just laughed it off and acted like it was a joke (still don’t know if she was joking or not. Either way it didn’t happen)

She just moved out this week, but previously for about six months she was staying in my second bedroom three days a week since she travels for work. On her last night here, we again slept in the same bed. I slept on my side facing away from her. After awhile I felt her move her leg against mine. Now mind you, we’ve slept together countless times before and we’ve never made physical contact. Every time I consciously slept far away from her b/c I know I’m attracted to her and didn’t want to put myself through the torture.

Again nothing happened, but it was a complete mind-f**k. I wanted to climb on top of her, kiss her and feel her inside of me.

I thought that when she moved out it would be a victory for me – I thought I’d keep my integrity, put distance between us and move on with her out of sight and out of mind, but we still have lots of contact.

We went to lunch together yesterday, and at the end I told her that I would be under the radar for a while. She asked “what do you mean, towards me?” I told her yes and she got very upset and sent me a scathing email about me leaving people who have been there for me. Then she basically called and told me she’s not going anywhere.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to come out to her because I’m not confident she’ll keep it to herself. I don’t want to tell her the reason I can’t be around her is because I’m crushing hard (it’ll be nothing more than an ego boost for her).

I think what attracted me to her was the ‘forbidden nature’ of this friendship. She’s not technically my boss, but she is the manager of my career development program and could get in trouble if anyone found out she was staying here.

I need help in avoiding her. I need the distance. When she’s not here for vacation or travel my feelings subside but when she comes back and we’re in contact my feelings swell up again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much for reading.


Lisa: this question has totally creeped me out and i feel like i need to take a shower.

Erin: Alright, first things first. Your instinct to back away from this toxic person is spot on. DO NOT allow her in your bed, second bedroom, or panty-less on the phone. She may or may not be bi-sexual, but she is clearly abusing her “maturity” and senior position to her advantage. She may not be aware that she is doing it, which is even scarier.

Lisa: i totally agree with everything you said, erin. but, as for this girl, i want to encourage her to come out of the closet and be who she really is. i’m more concerned that she’s hiding who she is than with this creepy manager bitch.

Erin: Yes, coming out of the closet will actually give you way more power than you have now. She is a 42 year old woman with a U-Haul full of baggage. You deserve a woman who is honest and ready to love you.


I know that everyone is different but ladies, do you like guys with facial hair or clean shaven? If you like facial hair on guys what sort do you like? Goa-tees, moustache, beard, unshaven stubble etc etc…. Thanks


Erin: I think it depends on the face. However, I am not down with the goatee. I have never been down with the goatee, not even during the height of its popularity in the mid-90’s, and you know how much I fucking love the 90’s!

Lisa: i prefer men with facial hair, especially a beard. i like the way it feels all over my body. secondly, unless you are shaggy from scooby-doo and rocking a tribal tattoo around your arm, let’s skip the goatee, shall we?

Erin: But, if you have a beard, keep it clean. I don’t want to find a piece of last night’s pot roast lingering near your chin. And if you sport the stubble, be warned that a make out sesh may end in a lady with a terrible rash across her pretty face.


I think my man wants to leave me.
Can guys really have female friends? I have been dating the love of my life for 10 months now but i get the feeling he is having phone sex with his “so-called” friends. I know he used to do it in the past but he told me he stopped but i dont believe him. Can that really lead to something else, Is he cheating on me? Sometimes he gives me attitdude for no reason and I tell him “U are giving attitude to the person who is there for u th most”. I give him whatever he needs, love, friendship, someone to cry on, etc. I think I am being the best girlfriend to him but i dont get the same graditude back from him. I dont know what to do, he makes me feel good about myself but then at the same time he makes me feel like crap. I cant see my world without him in it.


Lisa: i think your man is cheating on you, yes. if someone gives you attitude for no reason, that’s a red flag.

Erin: Yes, a guy can really have female friends. But, not all men can. Who the fuck has phone sex anymore? What are we, stuck in 1999? But, I digress. Like I tell many, many, many people who write in for advice, RUN! This sounds like a shitty relationship, regardless of wether or not he is actually still talking dirty with his “so-called” friends. Don’t accept attitude (or “attidude”- which by the way I am totally implementing in my vocab, so thank you for that!) from anyone you’re in a relationship with. It’s so not worth your time to remain in situations like this.

Lisa: like i’ve said before, how you feel is an indicator of which direction you should be moving. it sounds like this relationship doesn’t make you feel good. i can see your world without him in it, and your future looks bright. also, choose better next time, bitch.

Phew! I think we’re done, bitch. Until next time, have fun, be safe, use a condom! If you have a question, use the form on the top right of erin’s page. We will answer all questions (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo



thoseand there are those who will come in and stay awhile, with halfhearted hopes and lazy smiles. the ones you know better of, the ones you must endure, the ones that will go.

and then there are those who stay but briefly, no harm, no feeling, just time. they pass through you like a ghost, taking what they need, leaving little trace, disappearing into nothing.

and then there are those who are too much to bear for our kind. heart break, soul ache, losing track of the centre line, then this becoming what we expect, every time.

and then there are those that come unannounced – and the settling back into something faraway and familiar ensues, even as reality and rhyme and reason say that it is but a dream.

there are those.

but which are you?


#AskErinAndLisa: a kiss is not just a kiss – and so on.


Erin: Hey bitch, how’s it going?

Lisa: hey bitch, i’m a brunette again. went and got that shit did yesterday. what’s going on with you, erin?

Erin: I’m still shaking off the jet lag and ghosts of Paris, but I’m ready to delve into this week’s questions.

Lisa: yeah, i’m fired up and ready to go.





Lisa: g, i’m a hard ass when it comes to this sort of thing (cheating). so, therefore, my answer will not be loosey-goosey and i will not mince my words. if my husband or boyfriend kissed someone else, i’d want to know.

Erin: Do you really think that a kiss would lead to divorce? I mean, it wasn’t cool, don’t get me wrong, but it seems like jumping to divorce based on one kiss is a little drastic. This makes me wonder if you are using the word kissed as a euphemism for fucked. After all, in French, the word baiser can mean both to kiss or to bang.

Lisa: ok, erin, let’s not take this one all the way to paris. look dude, you did it, so man up and tell her. it’s her decision how she reacts and what she chooses to do. i was cheated on, and i presume it started with “just a kiss.” i call total bullshit on this.

Erin: I think Lisa is on to something there, because usually a kiss like that is preceded by all levels of emotional cheating. If you are really committed to this woman and sincerely honest that this will never happen again, then maybe you should keep your mouth shut, which I know Lisa does not agree with. Like Lisa, I would want to know. But, there are many people who would rather not know in the case of an isolated minor indiscretion. You know your wife, I don’t. In any event, you better take a good, long, hard, look at your behavior and motives. At the end of the day, you fucked up. We all have, but the important thing is that it never happens again.


So been dating this guy for 5 months now. He’s brought up marriage and how he wants to spend his life with me only but he gets random slutty women like half dressed stripper like women leaving comments and likes on his page. It has our pic up as his profile pic and he says just friends? I don’t have a issue with him having girls as friends. I have more male friends then girls but they have their clothes on. Should I feel as if he’s talking to them behind my back because other wise why would they even respond to anything he has to say? I’m not sure how to handle this but I do know it’s causing stress for our relationship! I’ve have nothing against strippers by the way…been to strip clubs myself just don’t like the fact they feel the need to make comments to him and after this long why do they unless he’s talking to them also? Need some input!!!! Help…


Erin: The internet is a strange and confusing place, especially for relationships. Things are soooooo easily confused and misinterpreted online. There are many, many stripper-y women, or at least computer generated versions, on FB, instagram, twitter, etc. Who knows if they’re even real. The point is, he has no control over what other people comment on or “like” online. That being said, if he is engaging in inappropriate ways, then you fully have a right to express your discontent. The rest of it, ignore, it’s stupid and not based in reality.

Lisa: look, the guy i’m dating has a lot of chick friends, too. i don’t really take issue with it, because i trust him and it doesn’t make me feel weird. however, if i started seeing him interacting with half naked strippers, that wouldn’t make me feel good, and i would express that to him. at the end of the day, it’s about how you feel within this relationship. if you feel good, proceed. if you don’t feel good, that’s something to look at.

Erin: Yes, no one should be in a relationship that makes them feel badly all the time, or even part of the time. But, again, with all that online shit, don’t fill in the blanks, bitch!


A few years back I was involved in a serious relationship with a guy we’ll call “B”. My best friend whom we’ll call “V” and I have been friends since the eighth grade and are now thirty three. When I was involved with “B” we found it to be extremely pleasant that our boyfriends got along so well and formed a friendship of their own. “B” and I broke up about a year into the relationship and “V” and her boyfriend have been on again off again ever since. When I was engaged “B” would try to get me to sleep with him and cheat on my fiancee. I am now married and moved cross country. After I was married, even though he was with a long-term girlfriend girlfriend, “B” even came on to “V” saying that he’d “always been soooo attracted to her.” “V”s boyfriend, and even “V” herself, continued a friendship with “B”. (He is most likely unaware of “B”s futile attempt to bed “V”) Tonight when I called “V”‘s cell phone I asked her where she was and she explained that her and her boyfriend were over at “B” and his girlfriend’s house, and proceeded to rush me off of the phone to avoid being rude. I am absolutely certain that there is nothing romantic going on between the two of them but can’t help but feel a little betrayed. I am fully aware that I live on the other side of the country. I don’t expect my best friend to sit home waiting for me to visit every night. I just feel like there are so many other people she could hang out with… Why my ex? Isn’t there some kind of “Thou Shalt Not Be Friends With My Ex” rule in the best friend by-laws? And would she appreciate if her boyfriend took her to a girl’s house that had tried to get her to sleep with him? (even though this happened during an off again phase in her relationship.) I know there’s a “Thou Shalt Not Try To Sleep With My Ex-Girlfriend Without My Express Permission” in the by-laws of friendship. Am I being selfish for feeling my friend should avoid “B” simply because their friendship makes me uncomfortable? PLEASE HELP!!!!


Lisa: erin, i haven’t had any coffee yet. can you give me the cliffsnotes version of this question, please? i’m very overwhelmed.

Erin: At first, I was tempted to copy edit the poor grammar in this question. However, I was soon too dizzy from keeping track of “B” and “V” and their significant boyfriends, girlfriends, and exes. Holy shit woman, couldn’t you have at least picked initials that didn’t sound so similar? Alright Lisa, here is my attempt at summary: This bitch is mad that her friend hangs with her ex. She says it’s because of some “Thou shalt…” bullshit. However, she’s clearly just pissed that he wanted to fuck her friend. Also, she lives across the country. Why is she so stuck in this other place and time?

Lisa: you know, if my best friend was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, it would probably bug me too. however, the world is full of wonderful people, find friends that are more in line with your belief system. and leave what belongs in the past in the past.

Erin: But, Lisa, they were all friends before. It’s not like she suddenly struck up a friendship with “B” after the breakup. I’ve stayed friends many times with both parties post-breakup, because we were all friends before.

Lisa: erin, i only hold a lowly bachelor of science degree, and i didn’t really understand this question. so, yeah, you’re probably more likely right.

Erin: Moral of the story is- please, try to write questions that do not make our heads spin and get your lame brain in the present. The past is the past.

alrighty now we did it, despite my lack of coffee and erin’s lingering jet lag. If you have a question, please use the box on the top right of erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden.



#AskErinAndLisa – we ain’t no Osho, but we sure try.


Erin: Hey Lisa, last week was a much needed break. I feel ready to conquer these (sometimes tedious) questions. How you doing?

Lisa: i’ve somewhat recovered from my existential breakdown a couple of weeks ago and fell asleep at 10pm last night, while watching the daily show. so, yano, it’s good times over here with lisa limmons.

Erin: Lisa, I can always count on you to be wildin’ out. Shall we?

Lisa: yes, we shall.


I matched this guy on the Tinder dating app but he is actually an old friend of mine I haven’t seen in a while..
My guess is he recognized me also but he has not messaged me & I have not messaged him.
We have not seen each other in a couple years but I really would like to message him.. I am just nervous about it.
Should I message him? Is a girl making the first move weird on Tinder?! Please help


Erin: lisa, you go first on this one, you’ve got the Tinder experience under your belt.

Lisa: first of all, i fucking hate tinder and i’m so glad i have a boyfriend and i’m not subjected to that online dating hell anymore.

Erin: Yeah, I have never Tinder-ed but does Tinder etiquette matter? Is it a thing?

Lisa: ok, tinder eitiquette does matter, erin. and i guess my question for this chick would be, what do you want from this guy? if you want to reconnect as a friend, sure, message him. if you want a boyfriend, wait for him to message you.

Erin: That sounds about right to me. Men are (usually) fairly simple. If he was interested in you romantically/sexually, I feel you would have heard form him by now. Sorry. 🙁
Let’s get to the next question, because it’s going to take us about 3 years to read it.


I have never submitted a question for advice before. I’ve always imagined myself as having clear judgement with men, but this one has me so clouded, I’m not even sure how to navigate it. His name is Jack (name changed for anonymity) and to say that I am probably in love with him is an understatement. I’ve known him for four years, off and on. He works near my work and on one random day, he saw me and my heart was instantaneously a goner. The only trouble was that at the time we flirted and he asked me out, I was engaged to be married a month later. Three years have gone by, and I have now separated. I had met him again, working at the same place. He remembered me and soon we became Facebook friends again, swapped numbers and talked for hours on end every day.
About two months into us talking, he vanished into thin air. Over the course of last year, our romance was on and off. It would be very consistent, very heated and just as rapidly it would be as if we were nothing more then strangers. I had found out later on it, he would date me when he and his long-time girlfriend had broken up. They had been together for years, and according to him, she is focused more on having fun and sleeping around than wanting a serious commitment, like he wants.
About three months ago, while I was dating another man, Jack had resurfaced. He spoke about how I wasn’t in love with this man and that he regretted kissing me, and I asked point blank why he does this to me. He says all these wonderful things, I fall for him again, and then he’s gone. He said that he and his ex were done for good, and that she cheated on him one too many times. We hung out all the time. I broke up with the other guy, as well, and for once with him, my trust was beginning to venture back onto the scene.
To describe Jack to you could take a hundred years. He’s everything I want. After being married to an abusive man who didn’t share any of my goals or dreams, Jack wants the life I want. He wants to be serious. He wants to become a father and a husband. He is a very hard-worker, and has worked himself up to running his branch, and his promotions are only bound to keep increasing. He’s financially secure, opens up the car door for me and overall, respects me as a woman. On paper, he’s everything that’s right. But there are problems.
It seems that the two of us always have bad timing. When I want to be with him, he’s taken by somebody else and vice versa. A part of me wishes I had never married my ex-husband, because maybe the two of us would be together. He would have never met her, and we wouldn’t be in this rut where he claims he can see us together, but he’s nowhere near ready to date exclusively again. It’s been about two and a half weeks since I’ve last seen him, and I feel the vibe between us fading away. When I told him I felt like I was receiving mixed signals from him, he did nothing but apologize. When I said that I just want him to be around, he replied that he does as well. I thought he’d leave, but he didn’t.
My question is one I hope can be answered: will he date me? For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now? When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else? I know that’s probably impossible to answer, considering you don’t know me or him, but, I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait? I’ve waited four years to be happy again when it comes to love. There is a part of me, that even though I sometimes feel like I should let go, I know I’m not ready to yet.


Erin: Oh, Lovesick, I would like to congratulate you for writing the longest question in Ask Erin and Lisa!’s history. Wow, you’ve given us a lot of time lines- 4 years, 3 years, 1 month, 2 weeks, a year. I feel that the easiest way to break down what you’re asking is to adress the specific questions you asked at the end.

“Will he date me?”- Yes, he will date you, but he will likely never commit
“For a year I felt as nothing more than his rebound. Is that what I am now?”- Yes, you are a rebound and an “in-between-er”, aka the one you fuck in between relationships.
“When he feels ready and secure enough to date again, will he start out with someone else?” -Yes, just not you.
” I guess I just want to know how long should a person wait?”- Not this fucking long.

Lisa: i understand why your judgement is so clouded with this one, sister. “jack” has been running you around in circles for so long that you are foggy-headed from his continual, fucked up mixed signals. further, i dated a verbally abusive guy and it took a, um, BIG toll on my self-esteem which i can see has happened to you as well. so, my advice to you is this: NO WAITING. get busy with your life, be kind to yourself, and get in to therapy.

Erin: Yes, therapy, girlfriend. “Jack” is as bad for you as your ex-husband was. This is an opportunity to look at the patterns in your life and the people you are attracted to. This is not love. This is drama and when we are not emotionally healthy, drama can trick us into thinking it is love. I would also like to add that when I was emotionally unhealthy, I was “Jack,” and I would’ve steered you away from me, too. He also needs therapy, but that’s really not my problem, and it definitely shouldn’t be yours. Move on, get some therapy, find a man who TRULY wants the same things you do, because this loser clearly does not.

Lisa: amen, erin.


Whilst Googling a friend (yes someone I have feelings for but that is history) I came across some explicit images that a girl had posted. Should I tell him about this site (and have to fess up to how I came across it) so he can do something about it, or just leave it be….?


Lisa: this has sent shivers up my spine, because i know there are some “photographs” of me out there that i would die if anyone, other than the intended recipient, saw. ahem. cough. choke. omg.

Erin: If this dude is your friend, you should probably tell him. Is there a way to tell him you found the site, without specifically fess-ing up to your internet stalking? Wouldn’t you want to know if the situation was reversed?

Lisa: i think you should tell him, for sure. i don’t think you need to get in to how you found them, or any shit like that.

welp, that’s a wrap. by the time this post goes live, erin will be on a plane headed to Paris, but she and i will be back next week to wade through the messy, messy, messy problems of your lives. have a question? use the box on the top right of erin’s page. as always, your anonymity is golden and we will answer your question, eventually, and with (some) care. xoxo


that is this.


it was yesterday and she was alone again. and then that day became this day and this day until all the days were gone. one sentence, one unit of measurement. one crash course in hurt. there were things, of course. things of great beauty. like the trees, leaves so green that her eyes burned. or the sky, so blue that it made her soul cry.

little things, big things, no big deal things. everything all at once and then nothing things.

isn’t that the way it is? isn’t this the way that is? the learning.

until we come out from under the days into the nothing, into the blue sky, into ourselves.


open relationships, the bigger the better + jealousy.


oh hello there and happy fucking friday! erin and i are back and delighted to answer your pressing – and often lengthy – questions. here we go, childrenz:

Erin: Hey Lisa, how the hell has your week been?

Lisa: well, i cried my eyes out all day yesterday and subsequently, have a bit of an emotional hangover today.

Erin: Sounds awesome! Shall we distract ourselves with other people’s problems then?

Lisa: yes, i would love to distract myself with anything but the way i feel right now.

Erin: Let’s do this. (Also, I hate myself for using that expression.)

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for about 5 years and have always planned on getting married and having kids one day. I have recently seen that he has been watching a lot of adult content on the internet and constantly see him looking at other girls. I know he still fancies me and we do it all the time but how should I feel about him obviously fancying other girls too.

He even suggested the other day that it would be fun to have an open relationship so we could both try new experiences with new people while still staying together and in love. I do not want this but really dont want to lose him.

Is he being a little disrespectful and what shoudl I say to him to make him just want me?

Erin: Girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he’s already in an open relationship with you. When I was 20 and a nightmare, I believe I had the same discussion with my then boyfriend. I felt it necessary to gently tell him he was already in an open relationship without actually saying those words.

Lisa: first of all, i like that you use the word “fancies.” such a great word. secondly, any motherfucker that looks at other women all the time is no one that you want to invest your time in. porn is one thing, being disrespectful in your presence is completely another. as far as threesomes, etc, i have some hippie friends that do this open relationship bullshit, and i think it’s a joke.

Erin: I’m sure somewhere out there is an open relationship that works, but it seems like more often it’s an I-want-to-still-get-laid-if-I strike-out-on-Tinder relationship. I think you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you and only you. You are worth it.

Lisa: he’s being completely disrespectful to you and your question should be, “how fast can i get out of this?”

Ladies. . . Does size really matter? And what would be a good size you’d be satisfied with? And do girls get intimidated if it’s too big?


Erin: Bitch, there is definitely such a thing as TOO BIG. And intimidated is not the right word, but ladies know what will or will not fit.

Lisa: brother, seriously, THE BIGGER THE BETTER!

Erin: Lisa, why do you have to make it all incest-y with “brother.” I disagree, I think that it’s not about the largess of the penis, but the overall shape and compatibility with the receptacle. Wow, I just grossed myself out by calling the vagina a receptacle.

Lisa: ok erin, whatever, my receptacle likes them big.

Erin: Basically, don’t stress about the size of your junk. It’s probably going to feel different for every woman.

I have a friend that is in an international long distance relationship that I’m jealous of. She’s also very confident about her life in general. I’m also in a good local relationship right now. Whenever I talk to her my self-esteem takes a dive when she mentions anything that reminds me of her relationship. I also feel bad about myself when she sounds so confident about her future plans when I don’t feel so confident about my own. I want to be her friend, but I can’t be supportive or talk to her without feeling crappy. Is there anything I can do?

Erin: Your “local” relationship can’t be that good if you spend this much time and energy comparing it to hers. The real issue is your self-esteem, not hers.

Lisa: as someone who is currently in an “international long-distance relationship” myself, i’m jealous that your boyfriend is in the same town as you.

Erin: OMG, Lisa, do you think this is one of your friends writing in about you?

Lisa: goddamn erin, it could be me! my advice will be the same either way- don’t spend time with people who make you feel badly about yourself. period.

Erin: Yes, but she also needs to figure out why she is so jealous. It doesn’t sound like this friend is going out of her way to make her feel badly. She can’t go axing out every friend that has something good going on or who has decent self-esteem. Unless, she would like to end up with a bunch of friends with even bigger self-esteem problems who are also miserable.

Lisa: hmm, good point erin. look, we need to be happy for other people and their joy. start practicing happiness for your friend, even if you don’t mean it right now. fake it until you make it, bitch.

Erin: What you can do is go to therapy. You’re always going to be unhappy if you don’t fix this self-esteem issue.

and that’s it from here, that’s it for now. i’m going back into the land of existential crisis. or maybe not; i’m getting bored with that. per usual, if you have a question, please submit to erin. carry on.