Category Archives: Lessons, Life,

those.

May 20, 2014 9:33 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

thoseand there are those who will come in and stay awhile, with halfhearted hopes and lazy smiles. the ones you know better of, the ones you must endure, the ones that will go.

and then there are those who stay but briefly, no harm, no feeling, just time. they pass through you like a ghost, taking what they need, leaving little trace, disappearing into nothing.

and then there are those who are too much to bear for our kind. heart break, soul ache, losing track of the centre line, then this becoming what we expect, every time.

and then there are those that come unannounced – and the settling back into something faraway and familiar ensues, even as reality and rhyme and reason say that it is but a dream.

there are those.

but which are you?

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,, love

that is this.

April 28, 2014 2:05 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

uselessbeuaty

it was yesterday and she was alone again. and then that day became this day and this day until all the days were gone. one sentence, one unit of measurement. one crash course in hurt. there were things, of course. things of great beauty. like the trees, leaves so green that her eyes burned. or the sky, so blue that it made her soul cry.

little things, big things, no big deal things. everything all at once and then nothing things.

isn’t that the way it is? isn’t this the way that is? the learning.

until we come out from under the days into the nothing, into the blue sky, into ourselves.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: existential crisis, hope, lessons, life,

on certitude + feeling good.

April 14, 2014 1:09 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

gothisway

i called my columbian pal pilar the other day to tell her i’d met someone, how i was happy and how i was, um, in something frealz this time (maybe). i wrote a blog post about it, too – and the uncertainty of it all. commenting on that post, she was, as she always is, succinct, with no bullshit and straight to the point; she told me she was happy for my happiness, that i was deserving of love and then this: “there may be uncertainty surrounding the circumstances, but none where the feeling is concerned.”

i pondered this for a while. her words struck a chord. i mean, the only thing i really know with any certainty is that we all one day eventually die (sorry to bring it down, brahs) and how i feel from one moment to the next. that’s it, really – all i know.

this past year has been the year of intense and serious work fer yer ‘ol pal lisa. working on really really really paying attention to how i feel has been a time-consuming, moment-to-moment but worthy endeavor. i’m not talking about some whiney-ass, “ohhh, ehhhh, wahhhh, how am i feeling today?” shit. i’m talking about FEELING my way through life. for example: ‘i’m doing this thing right now – how do i feel whilst doing it? terrible? happy? indifferent?’ or THIS fun little one: ‘i’m spending copious amounts of time with this friend/boyfriend/etc – how do i feel when i’m with this person? good? lousy as hell? blah?’

one thought and one feeling (good or bad) lead to another and another and another, so you can see how not feeling good in one instance could really fuck up things for the future, right? and the sad thing is that people go through life like this – miserable and unawares. why? because they don’t really pay attention to how they feel.

i was always taught that feelings are not facts. these days however, i respectfully disagree with that notion. how i feel IS a fact and using feeling as way of navigating life is the easier, softer way. yes. i’ve had to change some things. i don’t hang with peeps that make me feel like shit anymore (try it!). i don’t do things because other people think it’s a good idea for me (try it!). i pay attention simply to the way i feel in each moment. and right now, i feel great. i’m, yano, happy. i want you to feel great and be happy too. the catch though is that you must be vigilant. you must pay attention. you must choose to feel good – letting your feelings point you toward your path of least resistance.

pilar is right. there is no uncertainty with where feeling is concerned. when you know, you know. trust how you feel – and certitude will ensue.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,, love

uncertainty – a love story.

March 24, 2014 5:53 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

uncertain

i sit on my back porch watching the union pacific train roll by. i do this a lot. i am uncertain of where the train is going, where it even came from. but i watch it anyway, make up stories about its journey in my head. i drift off into some weird time/space reality, until i know not where i even am anymore. sigh. (before you roll your eyes at my floaty nature, know that i have the unfair advantage in life to be both an only child AND an aquarius, so, please dear reader, cut me a little fucking slack.)

uncertainty – that great pesky presence in our lives – is both a comforting and a confounding notion. no one knows anything, really – with any certainty. i don’t really like thinking about the unknown much. it hurts. it’s too painful. too wrought with scenarios of why this and why not that and why why why. too much for a sensitive little heart + soul like mine to bear. but here i am, sitting alone on the porch with uncertainty as my steadfast companion, questioning everything.

uncertainty. it’s just a word, right? yeah. ummmm, #whatever. this shit BLOWS. but having been on the planet for a while, i do my best to stay in vibrational goodness, yano, i try to stay in a place where the unknown is not a scary, subversive monster, instead choosing to reside in a place of faith (or something close to it). we all wonder what will happen next, what the future may hold. but as far as i can tell, there is no future. there is no forever, no happily ever after. just here, just now. so what is it that you are uncertain of? your career? your next meal? when you will die? when your soul mate will show up? what will happen in five years? five minutes?

who doesn’t want a definitive? a hard truth to hold on to. promises. contracts. but life provides none of these things. life is a moment to moment thing – an unknown. so today, i have decided to embrace uncertainty with wide open arms and a glad spirit. i decide today to live with reckless abandon. to love even though it hurts. to keep my heart open even though it might get broken (again). to treat every hello and every goodbye as a gift. i cry a little. i decide to go to yoga. i decide to write these words. i decide to not let uncertainty rule me. i decide to be happy without a guarantee of anything.

the train is coming by again. where it’s going, i still don’t know and where it’s going isn’t the point anyway.

nope. it’s not the point at all.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: existential crisis, familiarity, lessons, life,, love

crystal vision + clearing the way.

March 4, 2014 12:16 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

LISA

i sold my house three months ago. i was at the airport in mexico when i got the call from my realtor who told me we we had an offer that was legit, the buyers were frealz and i needed to find another place to live, “oh you know, pretty quickly”. i said ok, wrote a sad goodbye ditty to mr. morningstar, got a coffee and stared at strangers getting on planes. i wondered where i’d move, what it would look like. i wondered what part of the city i’d soon be living. until that moment, i’d only thought of selling my house and actually moving as an idea that some future would bring because other things were happening that i was focused on. ahem.

staying stubbornly true to my detached and lofty (read: total pain in the ass) aquarian nature, i only had a vague, blurry vision of what i wanted: close to downtown. a couple of bedrooms. i hired another realtor. i drove around for days to suss out the vibe of each potential ‘hood. i got discouraged. i cried a few times. i called my mother. sometimes on the road we travel, we lose sight of where we were going in the first place and and why we even started out on the journey; sure there were a lot of places out there to live, but none of them were feeling right and none of it was feeling good.

…and then i remembered that i had to ask for what i wanted because the vague, lofty, detached shit wasn’t working. i needed to be clear on the vision. what i wanted was out there, somewhere – and just because i couldn’t see it/feel it/touch it was of little matter. faith always wins over fear, right? right. the tough thing about this ‘lil lesson in clarity is that it works for everything – but, um, it’s the consciously applying it to every-single-thing-every-goddamned day that’s the bitch. we forget. we slip into negative shit with negative people. the rule is that what you want exists, but you have to believe and proceed accordingly with ev-er-y-thing, not just the occasional, haphazard thought of that eventual boyfriend/girlfriend/job/house/parking spot. get really clear and watch what happens. get really clear on how you want to feel and pay close attention to what’s happening around you when you feel good. get really clear on the type of people you wanna be around and watch who rolls into your atmosphere. get really clear on what you want to see with your eyes and then open them. get really clear and watch whatever you want appear. i found my groovy pad with little effort, by focusing – and by knowing – it existed.

remember what you want. see it. feel it like you already have it. it’s there anyway, waiting for you to stop staring at strangers, wanting you to get on the plane – waiting to take you wherever it is you want to go.

for erin in nyc + a certain someone in austin, tx.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,

#AskErinAndLisa – your questions, honestly answered. ahem.

February 27, 2014 11:56 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

aeal

erin and I are back to tackle world issues, solve global crises, or just give you bad advice about your sex life.

1.

I met a babe on a business trip. We really hit it off but we live about a 6 hour plane ride apart. He wants me to come visit him. I want him to come visit me. I offered to meet him somewhere we can both fly cheaper and direct as a compromise. My question is this: is his unwillingness to literally go the distance a foreshadowing of his inability to figuratively go the distance in a relationship? Should I rescind my offer and let him come to me if he wants to see me again? ALSO, if it’s on should i warn him I may not put out?

Erin: Lisa, can you believe it’s been a whole week since our last post?

Lisa: well, time has gone by quickly for me, because I’ve been doing a lot of tinder-izing.

Erin: In the last week, I’ve been drunk at a Romanian steakhouse, fielded emails from strangers who think I should be raped because they didn’t like what I said, and mourned the loss of what I thought was Spring last weekend.

Lisa: drunk at a romanian steakhouse?! i can’t wait to come visit you in manhattan, erin! i got stood up by a tinder date. that’s cool.

Erin: Can you go back in time and left-swipe?

Lisa: i just chose to never answer any more of his pleas to see me. so, that’s done.

Erin: Yeah, his “apology” texts you forwarded to me were really lame. Alright, enough of this. Let’s answer this bitch’s question.

Lisa: ah, the good ol’ bizness trip babe. what a fantastic and beautiful thing.

Erin: I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that I have had more than one long-distance relationship/affair/dalliance/whatever. And, when I was, I honestly preferred going to them, because if someone comes to you and probably stays with you, you’re trapped. If you go to them, you can escape. Meeting in between could be fun, as long as you have an escape plan.

Lisa: ok, you already put it out there that you are willing to meet him somewhere neutral. i like this idea. as far as foreshadowing goes, this is not a hitchcock flick. he doesn’t know you and you don’t really know him, so compromise on the locale is appropriate in your case. as we all know by now, i’m a bit of a hard ass when it comes to the guy making the first move, but my rules must be relaxed when it comes to dating long distance.

Erin: Here’s another thought. If you don’t want to put out when you meet, I’m thinking you must be looking for some level of relationship with this person. And, I wonder why you want to get into a long distance relationship. I got into them, probably so I didn’t have to really commit- not that I was unfaithful, but you know you only have to give so much if you only see the person once a month. The thing about long-distance is it’s great if you want a relationship to give you some stability with minimal effort and time commitment. However, at a certain point it’s just going to feel like you’re tied down and not getting laid, enjoying all the crap that comes with a relationship without the benefits.

Lisa: whatever you do, don’t rescind your offer. you would come off as crazy-town and confused and no one wants to see that. and sure, warn him that you may not fuck him right away, but be open to all possibilities, please.

2.

So, I met this guy on facebook randomly. We hit it off instantly via messenger, then text, then phone. We texted a ton every day. We had our first date yesterday. It was wonderful. Intense chemistry, great dialogue. I was comfortable and things felt natural.

So I tell my friend “Patty” I met a guy. “Patty” asks his name. A while later, she texts me and says, “He has a past.” I guess she found a friend of his friend who said he is a player? Like in the past (and this has been several years) he’d supposedly go to a bar and get drunk and make out with girls. Okay. So this guy is 35 now and I wonder, do I hold his past against him?

It’s really discouraging to know this about him so early on in the getting to know you phase. It has soured my view on him and made me more cautious. I have been hurt twice with really painful breakups and this seems like a recipe for disaster.

Side note: I did NOT tell my friend to dig and find out info about him and frankly can’t tell if I’m annoyed or should appreciate this.

Lisa: god, i loathe patty already. she seems like a drama mama and a chaos maker.

Erin: Yeah, “Patty” just wants to yuck your yum. Unless, “Patty” knows you and knows that you make poor decisions when it comes to men, such as meeting them on Facebook. What are you, 17?

Lisa: i ALWAYS think people should decide for themselves about other people. i’ve heard this kind of warning in the form of ‘oh-it’s-something-you-should-know’ about dudes i’ve dated/begun to date and guess what? i don’t give a shit. i prefer to inform my own decisions when it comes to others. you could ask 100 people what they think of me and someone (ok, maybe many someones) would have some shitty opinion of me. based on what? an interaction they had with me that was less than favorable? ok. a guy i haphazardly dated/made out with/had sex with/whatever when i was less discerning than i am now? fair. but your “friend” Patty needs to respect that you are in something new and allow you to experience it without the commentary based on a friend of a friend.

Erin: If the worst thing in his past is that several years ago he got drunk at bars and made out with girls, I can only imagine what “Patty” would have to say about me. This doesn’t sound like a red flag. If that behavior when he was younger shocks you or “Patty,” I am far more concerned with the level of excitement in your lives.

3.

Out of sheer curiosity what do you think is an appropriate time to wait to have sex with some one you really like and potentially want to be serious with? I have heard many answers. I also understand that we are all different and all circumstances and situations are different. However, I think that there is a natural instinct or desire in each of us to hunt and chase or to want what we can’t have or want some thing we have to work hard for to get.

Erin: Hold on a minute, Lisa is squealing.

Lisa: omg, great question. i’ve been thinking about this a lot for myself, as well. i’d say to wait at least a few dates, let’s say 5-7, if you want a long-term, frealz serious thing.

Erin: I have a hard time with this question. I think every serious relationship I ever had began with sex, and truthfully, sex too soon/right away. I’ve never been good at following “the rules.” I am not advocating this, but that has been my experience. I will add, that I have slept with far less people than most of my friends, but that doesn’t mean I have ever waited if there was someone I wanted to get naked with. I like to think of it as good intuition. However, a survey of some of my past boyfriends could counter-argue the intuition defense.

Lisa: listen, the advent of online dating has created a cesspool and culture of peeps that meet up/fuck and never talk again. i’m not really into that shit (anymore), but lotsa folks are.

Erin: Good point, I have never done the online dating thing, unless you count the dudes I’ve met from this blog. Just kidding! (sort of).

Lisa: eventual outcomes with regard to having sex are always dicey, but if you want something more meaningful in your life, WAIT.

Erin: Also, waiting will give you an opportunity to see if YOU really want that level of intimacy with that person.

…

Keep sending us your questions/problems/quandaries. We will answer them all. If you sent us a question and it has not been answered yet, rest assured that it will be, eventually! Use the box at the top right of rarely wrong erin to ask a question. As always your anonymity is golden.

xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: lessons, life,

the friend zone, she’s posing naked?! + sweet sophie.

February 20, 2014 11:54 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

NUDIE

1.

Im 30 and shes 27, been together 8 months n actually were talkin seriously about moving in 2gether. We’re in love and had a great relationship until recently. She drops this bomb that she wants 2 pose nude for a magazine. I’m kind of floored by this, yes she is very attractive, but she never acted like the type to wanna do this. I’m not ok with this, I say 2 her why you wanna have other guys seeing you naked, she says its not that she wants that. She said the money isvery good and would put a “huge dent” in what she owes for her student loans and she really wouldnt have to do anything but get her picture taken.

I dont feel that is a good enough reason 2 do this at all, I dont want a bunch of other guys seeing her naked and jerking off to it and sh*t like that. Shes says Im not being very mature and that it is “her body”. I dont dispute its her body, and shes like “oh not like anyone will be touching me only you get to do that its reserved for only you” and im just thinking “yeah I thought seeing you naked was reserved for only me too”.

I’m not really going to play games though, I’m too old for games. I told her she is free to do what she wants, but if she did this then I’d be breaking up with her. She was like “oh then I really cant do what I want can I”. But that isn’t true, she can. There is no law that says she has to stay with me, although I’d be heartbroken if we had to break up.

Am I over reacting here and not being fair? I think its crazy for any girl to think her bf would be ok with this. We havent talked much today, she says I’m trying to control her. I said nope and if you feel this way maybe we shouldnt be together. So then she gets mad saying that Im always talking about breaking up so I must want out. I dont even know how to respond to these things. If I wanted out Id break up with her, I dont need to use any excuse. I told her I love her and dont ever wanna be without her.

I told her the fact that she wants to do something she knows will really hurt me is really hurtful in itself. She says there is no reason to be hurt. So am I out of line here?

Lisa: hey erin, how’s it going? what’s up?

Erin: Well, Lisa, I am sitting on my hands, using all my power, not to correct the horrendous grammar/spelling/poor word usage in this question. You 2?

Lisa: yes, that’s very prince-like of this dude, if i do say so myself. but, anyway i feel pretty good. i had a call with my psychic today, who told me that my next boyfriend is on the way and that he’s not any of the dudes i currently know – thank GOD.

Erin: Wait, you have a psychic?

Lisa: erin, not only do i have a psychic, i have a chiropractor, a holistic healer, a massage therapist, and a shrink. it takes a village.

Erin: Holy shit, Lisa. We’re trying to instill a little faith in these people that we are not as crazy as they are.

Lisa: whatevs. ok, on to the dude and his problem. oh, lawdy, here’s the deal- if you are in an adult committed relationship, THERE MUST BE RECIPROCITY, there must be compromise. people that are all, “we’re so free love and non-jealous and everything is all fairies and flowers”- i call total BULLSHIT on all that. if you are with someone seriously, you don’t just get to do whatever the fuck you want, period.

Erin: I just need to get this out of the way first- you are a 30 year old man- don’t replace to/too with 2. Ok, I will let the rest go. Now, as for your situation, while there’s no right or wrong answer about posing nude, you absolutely have a right to voice your opinion and it is understandable that you would be hurt that she’s not taking that into consideration.

Lisa: yeah, it sounds like you’ve been very clear and communicative.

Erin: When I was a teenager, I knew this older couple that a lot of people used to get drugs from. On their anniversary, the dude decided he would rent a porno for them to watch later. It was probably a VHS, maybe a DVD, because I am old. At the video store, he was surprised to find his live-in girlfriend of 5 years on the cover of a porno. She had made it while they were together and said she did it for the money, which makes no sense because they had money and she was paid something like $400. My point is- your girlfriend can’t be getting paid that much. With all the free internet porn available, there’s no way she’s paying off her debt this way, unless she is a celebrity and you left that part out of the story- which seems unlikely given her unpaid student loan debt.

Lisa: you’re not out of line. lay back and watch. i’ll bet you $10 her next move will be pole dancing.

Erin: Smooth move, Lisa. You’re going to need that $10 to pay for your team of experts.

2.

I am a 25 yo female and have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We recently started living together and everything is great, but sex. I have never been so frustrated in my entire life about sex.
The thing is that my boyfriend just cares about himself during intercourse. I feel as if I were just an object for his pleasure. As an example: I always do oral to him, masturbate him and all kinds of foreplay before sex. I always do all the work, while he NEVER touches me, neither he does oral to me. Nothing.
He believes sex is just about himself, and ignores that it is an exchange of value among both of the lovers. I have talked to him MULTIPLE TIMES about it and he just doesn’t care. He has seen me sad about it too, but he refuses to change his behavior.

Now, just so you know a little more about myself – I think I am a very healthy person (I eat healthy, I don’t smoke, etc). I am also a very clean person (shower twice a day, etc). I think I am fairly attractive (redhead, slender, green eyes..) , but my boyfriend doesn’t care about any of that. He watches porn and masturbates all day while I am at work (because he doesn’t work), and when I come home he doesn’t even seem interested in me. Actually, no – he is only interested in me doing oral sex to him.

I am getting tired of the situation, and this might be a deal breaker for me. I hate it. I have had multiple lovers in my life, and gets lot of male attention. Since the situation is what it is, I am afraid I might end up cheating on him. I am always a very honest person, so I am concerned about having the temptation of sleeping with other people.

I thought that if I refused to have sex with him at all he would change, so I did it and his response was just not having sex with me, and just continuing to watch porn. So, that didn’t work either. I am desperate. I don’t know what to do.

I love him, so I don’t want to break up with him, but the situation is getting ugly. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life this way.

I would enormously appreciate any advice.

Thank you,
– Sophie.

Erin: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. Let’s set up your boyfriend up with the chick in the first question.

Lisa: oh, sophie. sophie, sophie, sophie.

Erin: Alright, the fact that you haven’t cheated on or dumped this loser tells me that you are either a masochist or have serious issues with your father. Much like I told the people who asked questions last week, RUN! You are a young, attractive woman. Don’t waste one more minute with this douche bag.

Lisa: you sound like a really lovely person. like you, i have green eyes too. did you know that less than two percent of the world’s population has green eyes? what i’m trying to say is that you are special and this porn-addicted freak-o, that is currently you’re boyfriend, ain’t. look, i like porn every now and again. i watched a little PornHub last night, in fact. but the combination of not having sex with you, you doing all of the work, and OH! he doesn’t have a job – your brain must be on sensory overload with all the red flags waving in front of you. get out, lose this loser. you deserve more, i can tell.


3.

I was with a girl, we went on a date for drinks and afterwards asked her to come back to my place. She agrees and comes over, I make a move on her for a kiss and she turns me down. Then I climb on my bed and lay on my stomach…. She takes her shoes off and climbs in my bed and puts her legs around me in a flirtatious manner. I put my hand on her and she doesn’t push me off. I drop her at home and she said she had fun we should do it again. Should I keep chasing or am I in the friend zone

Erin: You climb on your bed and lay on your stomach?

Lisa: if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have come over.

Erin: Well, I will say that when I was younger, say 19-26-ish, I was a fucking nightmare. I was a tease, I was all over the place, I gave people mixed signals. So, you might be in the friend zone, the friend-I-like-to-flirt-with-and-might-sleep-with-one-day-if-I am-drunk-zone.

Lisa: i’m gonna disagree here, erin. although she may be sending you confusing signals, i think she is to be commended. i’m trying to approach relationships like this now too — more cautiously — because i recently blew it with a skater guy that i really really really really liked by being too available.

Erin: Skater guy? What are you- fourteen?

Lisa: well, erin, actually, we’re pretty close in age. and i just took a buzzfeed quiz that said that my real age is 24. so there.

Erin: I guess I should shut-up, considering my last post was about the fact that I act like a fifteen year old. Also, I need to come clean. I take at least 4 BuzzFeed quizzes a week. Go ahead, ask me which character I am on Twin Peaks or Downton Abbey.

Lisa: oh erin, please, which character are you on twin peaks?

Erin: Laura Palmer, duh.

…

rarely wrong erin and I will be back next week to answer more questions. We’ve got a lot to choose from- tinder, facebook hookups, helping your friend snoop on her boyfriend, orgasms, loving two people at the same time, and many more. Keep them coming, we will answer all questions eventually and anonymously, unless you say it’s ok to include your name. Use the box at the top right of erin’s page and have a wicked awesome weekend. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

#AskErinAndLisa – who the hell is Terry, the best vibrator + more!

January 31, 2014 10:41 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

BLOG

Hello, we’re back, to lead you blindly towards better lives. Or something.

1.

I’ve been thinking of cheating on myself. I know it’s wrong but I just can’t help myself. I just don’t pay as much attention to myself as I used to. It’s getting boring and I think maybe it’s time to step out of my stale personal relationship and get something from somewhere else. Is this a good idea? If I do cheat should I just lie to myself rather than admitting the truth? Do you think my left hand will know what my right hand is doing?

Lisa: erin, is this one of your friends fucking with us?

Erin: No, this is one of my narcissist friends.

Lisa: first off, I notice that you said “myself” about 200 times in your question, so i totally could get why you’d want to cheat on yourself: you’re bored with your very own adorable narcissistic personality. secondly, and totally off topic, you seem like you are perhaps one of those weirdo-split-personality-geminis. the WORST (apologies to bob dylan and stevie nicks.).

Erin: Also, you use your left hand? Leftie? (Just trying to narrow down my friends.)

Lisa: the right hand WILL know, but maybe one hand could slap you across your own face. erin, what you got here? anyway, cheating is wrong and a big deal, but let’s face it, everyone does it or does it eventually.

Erin: Way to bring it down, Lisa. Bottom line, it’s totally okay to cheat on yourself. And sometimes, a slap feels good.

2.

My girlfriend just told me about this guy named Terry that she’s been texting. I can’t get any information about this guy out of her. Her excuse for it is that I don’t bring her around my friends. We’ve been dating for 4 1/2 years now and when we first started dating she told me she didn’t want to. I did take her to my best friends wedding and she’s met all my closest friends. I asked her a few simple questions about Terry like how long have ya’ll known each other and why won’t you tell me anything about him. She goes berserk with anger when I ask. She kicked me out one night and said she wanted to hang out with him alone. I just found out that he visits her in the morning before he goes to work and I get out of bed. She just told me that she can’t spend time with me sunday because she’s going to dinner with him late and won’t give up the details. At first it was just that she was going out to dinner late. I asked her what was up and she said it’s just dinner. I than asked if it was someone else then she said Terry. So far I know that they couldn’t have slept together due to her roommate being there. I am horrified to think that after dinner she will go back to his place. Our sex life is becoming stagnant maybe 2 times a week. Needless to say not as good for her as it once was. Don’t get me wrong she gets off just mainly from me going down on her. With us not being intimate as frequently I don’t last as long. Discussed it with her and no change. Now I’m building up with anxiety over Terry. Her birthday was last week and Terry has money so he bought her the same stuff as me ironicly just better quality. She swears he’s just a friend but I’ve heard that in 2 other relationships and caught one. She also acts loving and we hold hands and she caresses my hand and arm while watching tv. She tells me she loves me but not as much as she used to. I try to be romantic and rub her feet most days I see here and have candlit sensual massages when ever I can get her alone. The biggest differance is our senses of humor are only partialy in sync. Her biggest pet peave against me I’ve noticed is that I am a large man and both our apartments are small so I’m in the way a lot. I know I can be jealous but in this case am I letting my past influence me or do ya’ll agree that she’s probably cheating?

Erin: Terry? Who the hell is named Terry?

Lisa: if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. so, if I were you, i’d duck the fuck out of this relationship. your girl is cheating on you, with terry.

Erin: I’m going to go with my gut here. Terry is not a man. Terry is a woman. You are a beard. A self-proclaimed large beard. She only gets off when you go down on her. My money is on her closing her eyes while you do so, and imagining Terry, so very. Dude, get out. You have wasted 4 1/2 years with someone who’s obviously not that into you. There are plenty of ladies who would love to come home to foot rubs and candlelit sensual massages. (Also, people, in general, please use spellcheck when sending us messages.) Thanks!

Lisa: i agree with what erin says. two-times a week for sex is lame, and it’s clear she’s not appreciating you. my theory is that if you have to wrap yourself into a pretzel to be with someone, it just ain’t worth it. get out.

3.

I’m a 29 year old female and I’ve never had good sex, I’ve had one guy able to make me cum but it was only one time he tried again and wasn’t able to. I have sex for the first time at 18 and its been like this ever since. I’ve lied and pretended that I came because I was just too embarressed and scared to tell the truth (what guy wants to hear they can’t get their girl off?). I’ve tried tell the guys I’m with what i want and most of the time they don’t even listen to me or they try what i want for a little bit but then go back to what they know. I do have a kinky side but I’m really afraid to let that come out because I mean I can’t even get the hang of normal sex. I’m so frusterated and depressed about the whole thing it makes the whole idea of sex a very scary thing. Help please!

Lisa: GIRLFRIEND, do yourself a favor and invest in a Lelo Vibrator. get to know yourself with this, which will eventually become your best friend. trust me.

Erin: Yes, Lisa is right, you need to be able to get yourself off first. Then, you will actually know what hits you in the right spot, literally. Sadly, according to half of our questions, a lot of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives and/or have never had an orgasm. This advice applies to all of you. Get yourself off and then tell your partner/s what you like. There’s no shame in telling someone how to please you. Trust me, they will be grateful. If they’re not, you shouldn’t be letting them touch you.

Lisa: i just want to add, i was concerned about this very issue with myself, until I was 19 and had an amazing orgasm with my boyfriend, albeit on ecstasy. Oops! i don’t think you need to resort to drugs to have an orgasm, but I do think you need to invest $100 in a good vibrator and watch some porn with yourself. please write back and let us know how this goes for you.

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As you wait with bated breath for next week’s installment, keep the questions coming (Discover spellcheck, I beg of you.). Use the Ask Erin! box on the right of erin’s page: rarely wrong erin. We will answer all questions, eventually! xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

#AskErinAndLisa – texting, porn + being the rebound chick.

January 24, 2014 11:15 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

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hello friends and lovers. alrighty. rarely wrong erin and i are back this week answering more of your love/dating/relationship/sex questions. yes, we know: a bit harsh, a bit unruly and maybe not, er, exactly what you want to hear, but between us, erin + i have years of therapy, years of heartache/heartbreak/sheer joy/good sex/lame sex, et cetera under our belts so, yano, we kinda know our shit. so read. ask. and be kind to yourselves whilst out there in the wild wild world of love.

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1.

Who should text who?
Him and I always have very good conversations and he keeps his word and follows through on things. I am the one that is always initiating the texting though but he always keeps the conversations going and seems legitimately excited to be talking to me…what’s your input?

Lisa: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. i personally am not a fan of initiating convos via text to guys, but i also know that each situation is different.

Erin: I am far more concerned with your grammar than your question.

Lisa: if you ever get really bored of doing all the chasing (and let’s face it, that’s what you’re doing-) it would be an interesting experiment to lay low and actually see if this brotha reaches out to you. on his own. guys like the girls they can chase. the end.

Erin: Men are simple. If you have a legitimate reason to text him, then do so. Otherwise, let him pursue you. It’s much sexier. P.S. – grammar

2.

I’m a very happily married guy in his early 40’s with two kids. We’ve been married over ten years and are madly in love, and have an enviable relationship in terms of communication and trust. Our sex life is pretty good considering we have kids; we manage to have sex at least once every 10 days or so. Not as much as I’d like (what a shocker) but for where we are it’s good. But once in a while I look at porn online as a means of release. My wife has been okay with this in the past, but would prefer I didn’t do it. However several months ago I stumbled across a web chat room where you can watch other people’s cameras and broadcast your own. It’s totally anonymous and no one shows their faces, only neck down kind of stuff. I visited the site several times, justifying it as just another kind of porn, “live porn” if you will. There was never any one on one activity; that’s not how the site is set up – you watch several broadcasts at a time and maybe someone watches you if you were “lucky” (the female to male ratio was off the charts as you can imagine). Anyway, it started to feel like what I was doing was really gross, and after weeks of mustering up the courage, I told my wife everything. I love, value and respect her too much for it to continue.

Obviously, she was devastated. She feels betrayed, angry, and disgusted. She feels like I cheated on her and doesn’t know how to rebuild our trust. I’ve been 100% open and communicative, ready to listen and not at all defensive. I have acknowledged the pain I’ve caused and apologized profusely, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

The question is, how can I best support her as she moves through this? What do I do? As ridiculous as it sounds, it had nothing to do with her – I wasn’t pushed away, I wasn’t unhappy or mad at her, I’m intensely sexually attracted to her – it’s not like an affair where it’s totally cut and dry cheating. I just wanted to find a new way to get my rocks off, but I’ve hurt her beyond measure and it’s killing me to see her like this.

Any insight or comments or advice would be most helpful and appreciated.

Lisa: JESUS CHRIST. since getting this question, i’ve been chomping at the fucking bit to answer it! and the tutorial on the live porn chat room – THANK YOU. well done. succinct but chock full ‘o good information! i certainly appreciated it and am i sure some of our more perverse weirdo readers will too. YAY!

Erin: If you are only having sex once every 10 days (or so), that means less than 10% of days in an entire year. That’s really depressing. I honestly don’t blame you.

Would I be mad? At the porn- no. I think it’s completely ignorant to not acknowledge that EVERY ONE of us looks/has looked/will look at porn- for a whole variety of reasons. I might be bummed if my man was in live sex chat rooms, but I also couldn’t wouldn’t go with that little sex in my life. And, I have a kid, and I get it, but still.

Although I understand how kids vacuum up time/energy/sex appeal, you owe it to each other to make intimacy a priority. I think part of making a commitment is committing to maintaining a healthy sex life, which may include: getting into foreplay to get yourself in the mood, giving a blow job when you don’t feel like having sex, keeping yourself feeling and looking sexy, and initiating physical contact. She has a part in this, too. It’s easy to forget the other person’s part when we are stuck under the guilt quilt (*guilt quilt courtesy of Fresh Meat, which you should watch- but that’s a lecture for another day).

Lisa: ANYWAY- ok. once every 10 days for sex – yikers, bro. no wonder you’re into porn. if i were in relationship/marriage, et cetera -which i’m currently, um, not- i would want to get laid at least 4-5 times a week…right? so i understand your frustration. frealz. that sucks. i’m glad you and your wife are in love and stuff, but let’s step the sex stuff up. eventually. she’s mad at you right now, so you might have to heal a few things first, but please start having more sex with your wife. porn will be less exciting if you’ve got the real pussy right there ready to go.

next off, i have to say that telling people everything is sometimes not the best idea. i know you were ‘being honest’ and all that shit, but at what price? you could have stopped the live porn chat stuff and left your wifey-poo out of it – she aint’ the judge and she ain’t the jury. what i’m trying to say is sometimes when WE are looking for relief, we hurt OTHERS unnecessarily by being too honest.

so all that being said, she needs to forgive you. i get why she is upset – as a chick, i really do – but she’s gotta let this go now. holding on to anger and resentment causes cancer and it’s unhealthy to live in a situation with someone who is mad at you all the time. fuck that shit. you did it, you owned it and now she needs to forgive you so you can both work on loving each other and having mind-blowing-porn-style-sex. ;o)

Erin: Sincerely, I hope you can work this out. Although I loathe the concept of “couples therapy,” it might be a good idea here, to diffuse the tension and provide a foundation for getting your relationship back on track. Good luck, dude.

3.

I have been dating my boyfriend of 1 year. We started dating right after he broke of his relationship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years. We see each other every Wednesday and every weekend Fri-Mon, we then stay at his place. Monday evenings I do my washing, Tuesday evenings I pack for Wed and Thursday, Thursday evenings I pack for the weekends. Is it too soon to ask if we can move in together? I know that he does not want to get married. He says I am putting him under pressure. What do I do?

Lisa: OMG, i had to read and re-read this question like 40 times. ‘washing’? what are you, amish? look, sweets, you need to fucking chill. no moving in. ugh. c’mon. he’s just out of an eight year thing. god, even i feel smothered by your schedule with him so i get why your guy is saying he feels pressure, LISTEN TO HIM. respect that. BACK OFF. furthermore, don’t you have any hobbies? anything you can do so you’re not rushing over to get into his bed every night? tip: try yoga. you need it.

Erin: I am equally smothered by your schedule. Calm down. It’s only been a year. If he says you’re pressuring him…guess what that means? You’re pressuring him! Stop! That’s a dude’s red flag warning. Also, you mention he doesn’t want to get married. I have the sneaking suspicion that you do, and are doing that lame thing that women do sometimes- ignore the truth he is giving you. When dude says he doesn’t want to get married, that is not code for, “You can change me, if you try.” It means that you’re not going to marry this guy. Also, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but we both think you’re the easy rebound chick. You are way too available with your rigorous schedule of packing and washing and packing again.

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and…more questions, more answers next week, freaks. peace + love from erin and i – to you.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

#AskErinAndLisa – a new advice column.

January 17, 2014 1:59 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

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oh hi everyone. i’ve been busy selling my house, travelling to califorinia and looking for my soulmate so, my apologies for being el lame-o and not posting anything new recently. that shit’s gonna change though because my wanderings and soul searching have led to a lot of stuff i want to share. LUCKY YOU. anyway, one of my best gals, erin, better known as rarely wrong erin has asked me to help in her endeavor to advise some peeps re: love, sexxx, dating, etc. i’m, um, obviously no expert but i do have some decent musings on subjects such as these from time to time. this will be a regular series and we are delighted to answer your questions. you can anonymously ask anything by going to the top right hand portion of erin’s blog. you’re welcome. happy to oblige. here is the first installment:
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As promised, I have called for backup, and by backup I mean another survivor of so many mistakes in all areas of life, my gal pal, you may know her as The Trouble With Lisa, but I just like to call her “hey bitch.” (**Also, fellas, she is recently single, so there’s that.)

And the now, the questions…..

1.

Ok, I cannot take being set up one more time by my “friends,” who seem to think I am a fat, ugly, slutty, bore- based on these set-ups. I know about all of the various online/app dating sites- but I am leery to get my feet wet! Any recommends or advice or warnings?
Thanks,
J

Lisa: look, online dating freaks me out, too, so i totally understand. HOWEVER, it can be a good way to boost your confidence whilst getting back out there. my main advice here is not take it too seriously. a lot of guys will hit you up; some will be totally disgusting and vile. most you wont like, but there is a chance you might meet someone super fucking cool. this is what i would do. i was recently back in LA and got on tinder. try that first. then try ok cupid, then match.com. in that order. and also: stop any chatter with regard to yourself as fat, slutty or bore-based. thoughts become things, sister.

Erin: Ok, truth be told, I have never done online dating. It seems like a fucking nightmare. That being said, it seems like a good idea when you are bored and/or want to get laid. I have not had luck being set up by friends either. My one and only blind date (a friend set-up) was with a young, fairly successful, producer, who kept me trapped in the valley while he smoked crack and then apologized. But, that’s another story. Also, he drove a convertible Saab, which shouldn’t reflect poorly on other Saab drivers.

Lisa: i did meet a cute jewish guy on tinder…MY DREAM and i’ll be seeing him when i go back to LA in a month ;o) i’ll keep you posted. the thing i like about the online dating thing is that it shows you the ABUNDANCE that is everyfuckingwhere. men are everywhere.

Erin: You can always try Lulu to vet your online prospects, although a review built on hashtags can only do so much.

2.

There’s a girl acquaintance I know. We used to chat on f/b and did the coffee thing. She was very nice, but I failed to get closer due to my own issues. We went out of touch, I deleted my account and lost contact with her. I’ve seen her from time to time in person. She’s seemed weird when I saw her. I was stressed out at the time and made the mistake of sending a creepy message or two. I think I stumbled into the awkward creeper guy status, and every time saw her, tried to send a message or approach her in person, I was just digging a hole.

I’d like to know her again. I was thinking about sending an actual email (to her business email as I never needed her personal one) to apologize and show a genuine interest in catching up or is that just too creepy?

Help me get out of creeper status!

Lisa: dear creeper: ugh. i’ve been on both sides of this one. the thing is- if she likes you, you’d know it. usually i find that if a dude likes me he will stop at nothing to see me, which i like – i like a man to pursue me. SO, that being said, let’s give this thing another whirl: reach out via email. DO NOT WRITE SOME LONG BULLSHIT. keep it simple. say hi. tell her you’d like to see her sometime if she’s up for it.

Erin: First off, Creeper Dude, don’t send anything to her WORK email. That’s extra creepy, because there’s a good chance that her work emails are read by other people at said workplace. Secondly, you lost me at “my own issues.” Sorry. For the sake of future non-creepy relations, clear up those issues now. Nothing is creepier than your issues.

Lisa: i disagree with erin here – i think the work email is fine. the bitch can always press delete if it bugs her. good luck – i am rooting for you.

Erin: Whatever.

3.

My boyfriend can get really rough. Like when I’m giving him oral, he’ll grab my head and like push me down so I deep throat. And I understand that he might need to feel that, but he can just let me know, he doesn’t need to force me down. It gets to the point where I’m like literally trying to push him away from me. And during sex he can get kinda rough. Like when I need to stop or slow down, he just ignores it and keeps going. It’s fairly early into the relationship, it’s only been about 3 months, so I really don’t know how to bring it up without him feeling hurt or getting angry. Despite what I said, he is a genuine guy and I do really like him, I don’t want to hurt the relationship at all, I just need him to back off a little. Best ways to tell him that without being too mean?

Erin: Your teeth are your best defense here. But seriously, you are an adult, I assume, in an adult relationship… and like I say to the kids, if you can’t handle talking about this stuff, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it at all. Take some responsibility for your sex life and your body. If you don’t like it rough, tell him. Because, “The more you know….”

Lisa: i’m so sorry for the rough sex problem you’re having. have him email me instead: thetroublewithlisa@gmail.com – mucho appreciated.
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Well, freaks, I hope this helps. I have indentured Lisa to continue wading through your questions with me. We will get to them all, so keep them coming. Use the email box on the top right, enter whatever made-up email address you like, along with your question, and we will answer your anonymous question with all the care and heart we can muster. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: lessons, life,, love