Category Archives: Love

saturday night with salinger.

April 21, 2014 8:47 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

salinger

“And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”
― J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

…

there is no rest for the wicked and there is no rest for me on this night. i’m alone. again. it’s 1am? 1:30? i alternate my way between two works of literature – infinite jest by david foster wallace (my second time through) – and salinger’s franny and zooey, a book i consider an old friend at this point (i’m approaching my 100th read). i think about my life, what i’m doing, where i’ve been and where, oh where all of this will lead. uh huh. and all that multiplied + magnified by 1000. yeah. i know. exhausting.

and then i realise i’m getting ahead of myself. i go back to reading. my mind eventually wanders to him. he makes me happy. he makes me want to do better. he makes me feel safe. love makes me sad. i go back to salinger, looking for clues, searching for answers that will help, will enlighten, will soothe. but instead i just find words on a page: black, white. in between the lines is where i prefer to read anyway, because in between the lines is where the answers surely are. i pause to reflect on this. i cry a little. i decide everything will be okay.

i write a note to myself on the title page of franny and zooey, sure that salinger would approve: ‘lisa, there are no answers, only what you do not know. enjoy.’

i take myself to bed. i shift thoughts around. i smile a little knowing that for today, i’ve done alright. for today, at least, i have loved. and what could we ever do in this life more important than that?

exactly.

©littlebrownbutterfly

(thanks to amanda panda elmore for the groovy franny and zooey book art)

Posted in: existential crisis, love

on certitude + feeling good.

April 14, 2014 1:09 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

gothisway

i called my columbian pal pilar the other day to tell her i’d met someone, how i was happy and how i was, um, in something frealz this time (maybe). i wrote a blog post about it, too – and the uncertainty of it all. commenting on that post, she was, as she always is, succinct, with no bullshit and straight to the point; she told me she was happy for my happiness, that i was deserving of love and then this: “there may be uncertainty surrounding the circumstances, but none where the feeling is concerned.”

i pondered this for a while. her words struck a chord. i mean, the only thing i really know with any certainty is that we all one day eventually die (sorry to bring it down, brahs) and how i feel from one moment to the next. that’s it, really – all i know.

this past year has been the year of intense and serious work fer yer ‘ol pal lisa. working on really really really paying attention to how i feel has been a time-consuming, moment-to-moment but worthy endeavor. i’m not talking about some whiney-ass, “ohhh, ehhhh, wahhhh, how am i feeling today?” shit. i’m talking about FEELING my way through life. for example: ‘i’m doing this thing right now – how do i feel whilst doing it? terrible? happy? indifferent?’ or THIS fun little one: ‘i’m spending copious amounts of time with this friend/boyfriend/etc – how do i feel when i’m with this person? good? lousy as hell? blah?’

one thought and one feeling (good or bad) lead to another and another and another, so you can see how not feeling good in one instance could really fuck up things for the future, right? and the sad thing is that people go through life like this – miserable and unawares. why? because they don’t really pay attention to how they feel.

i was always taught that feelings are not facts. these days however, i respectfully disagree with that notion. how i feel IS a fact and using feeling as way of navigating life is the easier, softer way. yes. i’ve had to change some things. i don’t hang with peeps that make me feel like shit anymore (try it!). i don’t do things because other people think it’s a good idea for me (try it!). i pay attention simply to the way i feel in each moment. and right now, i feel great. i’m, yano, happy. i want you to feel great and be happy too. the catch though is that you must be vigilant. you must pay attention. you must choose to feel good – letting your feelings point you toward your path of least resistance.

pilar is right. there is no uncertainty with where feeling is concerned. when you know, you know. trust how you feel – and certitude will ensue.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,, love

the long deliberation.

April 1, 2014 10:34 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

forandrew

through space
we fell
landing
on this wandering star
at different times
in other places

only
to end up
eventually
here, together
the same, likewise-

and thus we began
the deliberate descent
into one another-

drawing maps
disclosing dreams…
pursuing patience

in spite of nothing
and because of everything
we found

each other.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: love

#AskErinAndLisa – another tinder question, wandering eyes + mr. p*ssy.

March 28, 2014 9:16 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

tindersuxass
hello and greetings from LA – aright – i’m back from my “hiatus” and here to help erin give you so-so advice.

Erin: Hey, Lisa, anything new?

Lisa: hold on, erin. i’ve got “the history of the jews” on pbs right now. let me turn this down.

Erin: oh, really?

Lisa: tommy lasagna told me to watch it.

Erin: Good grief, when I said I was a swanky skanky matchmaker, I was kidding! So, are you refreshed? Ready to do this?

Lisa: yes, i’m back and i’m ready to go.

1. My boyfriend stares a lot at other women. I don’t mean a little glance here and there, but he really, really stares at them for long periods of time.
I know it’s natural for guys to stare, but surely there’s a limit.
I love him, and he says he loves me, but it makes me feel really inadequate when he does it when we’re out in public.
Even at restaurants when I talk to him, he always glances past my face at other women – it makes me feel sick when he does it.
What should I do and should I be worried about it?

Erin: It has been my experience that all people, not just men, but especially men, stare at other people. However, I could not be with a dude who spent more time fixated on other women than me.

Lisa: yes, you should be worried about it. when i first go out with a dude, i always check that he’s looking at me and not at other chicks walking by or in the vicinity of us. it makes me feel sick, too, and i think it’s a problem.

Erin: Have you told him this bothers you? Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. (Which one could argue, is worse.) But, if you’ve pointed this out and he denies and continues the behavior, get the hell out of that lame ass relationship. Life is too short.

Lisa: if you’re at a restaurant and he glances past you, he’s a lame ass motherfucker and you should bail. period.

2. Context: I was just messing around on tinder and saw the gf of a buddy of mine. Normally, I’d let him know without much question, but they moved across the country together and it’s not like I “yes’d” her or anything and don’t know what their situation is and trying to bring up their “situation” (like if that’s what they’re okay with) would probably raise some flags.
So, what is the right thing to do here?
When I saw her I kinda froze up and exited the app. I’ll see if I find her again (I didn’t yes or no her) and see the last time she was “active”…if it’s been recent, I’ll try to casually bring it up and hope for the best, I think.

Lisa: OH DEAR GOD, HELP US ALL. if the bitch is on tinder, she is looking around, a cheater, and not happy in her thing with your friend.

Erin: Yes, you need to tell him. If I was your friend and my girlfriend was on tinder, I would definitely want to know. He would be pissed if he found out you knew and didn’t tell him. Plus, it sounds like they are fairly serious if a cross country move was involved.

Lisa: also: next time, think more quickly! you should have taken a screen shot of that shit! tell your friend.

Erin: Also, dear people of earth, if you think you can be “stealth” on tinder and not get noticed by your significant others friends, you are a first second class idiot.

I went a few times on a date with this man (33 y.o) – (total of 4 dates in 1.5 month).
After the third date, he invited me to his room to ”cuddle” but I politely refused. Two weeks have passed where we texted but did not meet and finally had another date this week end. He asked me if I wanted to come over and I said yes (I felt ready this time). Once in his room we started kissing and took our clothes off. However, when I started going down on him, he said that we were going too fast. This was ok for me but then he went down on me instead. We still did not have sex and then just went to sleep.
I am clearly confused by his behavior…
why did he react this way? what is he looking for?

Lisa: first of all, your cutting weekend in to two words annoys me. secondly, is this guy gay?

Erin: Lisa, no he’s not gay, he went down on her. A gay guy could probs fake his way through intercourse but could he really go down successfully?

Lisa: i’m confused by his behavior, too. if a guy goes down on me, i assume that sex is the immediate next thing.

Erin: Wait, Lisa, maybe he’s like Mr. Pussy from Sex and the City. Remember that episode when Charlotte was dating Mr. Pussy who just wanted to go down on her all the time? And her friends told her she couldn’t bogart Mr. Pussy?

Lisa: oh yeah, that hot jewish guy? i remember.

Erin: No, he wasn’t Jewish. Clearly, you have a one-track mind.

Lisa: yes, erin, i remember, but i need the prize.

Erin: Preaching to the choir, my friend. Alright, the biggest red flag I see here, is that a 33 year old man invited you to his “room” to “cuddle” after the third date.

Lisa: ugh, i’m going back to “the history of the jews” on pbs. laterz.

—

good luck everyone and don’t worry, we’ll be back next week and we may even get Tommy Lasagna to weigh in on your many, many, many, many problems. To ask a question, use the box on the top right of erin’s page. kisses. and stay off tinder, k?

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

uncertainty – a love story.

March 24, 2014 5:53 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

uncertain

i sit on my back porch watching the union pacific train roll by. i do this a lot. i am uncertain of where the train is going, where it even came from. but i watch it anyway, make up stories about its journey in my head. i drift off into some weird time/space reality, until i know not where i even am anymore. sigh. (before you roll your eyes at my floaty nature, know that i have the unfair advantage in life to be both an only child AND an aquarius, so, please dear reader, cut me a little fucking slack.)

uncertainty – that great pesky presence in our lives – is both a comforting and a confounding notion. no one knows anything, really – with any certainty. i don’t really like thinking about the unknown much. it hurts. it’s too painful. too wrought with scenarios of why this and why not that and why why why. too much for a sensitive little heart + soul like mine to bear. but here i am, sitting alone on the porch with uncertainty as my steadfast companion, questioning everything.

uncertainty. it’s just a word, right? yeah. ummmm, #whatever. this shit BLOWS. but having been on the planet for a while, i do my best to stay in vibrational goodness, yano, i try to stay in a place where the unknown is not a scary, subversive monster, instead choosing to reside in a place of faith (or something close to it). we all wonder what will happen next, what the future may hold. but as far as i can tell, there is no future. there is no forever, no happily ever after. just here, just now. so what is it that you are uncertain of? your career? your next meal? when you will die? when your soul mate will show up? what will happen in five years? five minutes?

who doesn’t want a definitive? a hard truth to hold on to. promises. contracts. but life provides none of these things. life is a moment to moment thing – an unknown. so today, i have decided to embrace uncertainty with wide open arms and a glad spirit. i decide today to live with reckless abandon. to love even though it hurts. to keep my heart open even though it might get broken (again). to treat every hello and every goodbye as a gift. i cry a little. i decide to go to yoga. i decide to write these words. i decide to not let uncertainty rule me. i decide to be happy without a guarantee of anything.

the train is coming by again. where it’s going, i still don’t know and where it’s going isn’t the point anyway.

nope. it’s not the point at all.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: existential crisis, familiarity, lessons, life,, love

#AskErinAndLisa – more of your love/sex questions, poorly answered.

March 13, 2014 10:08 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

TLASAN

We’re back! And we are not alone……

Erin: Hey, Lisa! We are so lucky, because today, we have help, in the form of a man.

Lisa: well…hmmm.

Erin: We can’t use his real name.

Tommy: You can call me Tommy Lasagna.

Erin: He’s currently in a top secret location in the Alps or something. We needed back up because Lisa is currently enjoying/dragging her ass through SXSW. So are you ready to help/confuse people?

Tommy: I think I am. I have to score 45 more points in this Spades game. It’s a metaphor for relationships.

Erin: Here’s our first question…

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years, and we’ve been living together for about 8 months. We get along great, both love each other, and will be engaged (hopefully) within the next year. However our sex life is… plain- other times bad. He doesn’t like to try new positions- he has two that are his favorites and that’s all he ever wants. As far as oral sex goes, I give him blow jobs pretty consistently but the last time he’s gone down on me was at least 6 months ago. I keep myself clean & shaven so I’m not sure what the problem is but anytime I bring it up he just says he doesn’t like it. (I don’t enjoy giving blow jobs but I do anyway because I know he likes them).

Sex is most of the time unsatisfying for me. It takes me awhile to climax and he finishes pretty quickly sometimes. He’s usually tired afterwards and falls asleep- which leaves me laying there still turned on and unsatisfied. It not only makes me sexually frustrated but emotionally as well. I just want him to finish me off in some way. It just seems like he doesn’t care about how I feel after sex.

Any tips on how to bring this up to him either directly/indirectly?

Erin: First of all, what’s with both of you? You don’t like to give blow jobs, but do so begrudgingly, and he doesn’t like to go down on you. Um, are you sure you’re both straight?

Tommy: It could be that she has a very shallow mouth and he has a very short tongue.

Lisa: i have a friend whose boyfriend won’t eat her out either and it’s the source of much tension in their relationship.

Erin: Also, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone you cannot have an open conversation with about your sex life.

Lisa: i agree with you, erin.

Erin: I mean, can she get herself off? Perhaps part of their sex life can include that, which may spark his interest in actually giving her an orgasm.

Lisa: her dude sounds like a selfish prick.

Tommy: I’m not sure it’s possible to be with someone whose genitals you won’t put in your mouth. I mean it is possible. But, then you spend all day writing into advice columns asking them to help you fill a hole you yourself have dug.

Erin: I think our general consensus is- she should move on. Next!

Is it possible to love two girls at once? I’m just curious as to if you have nay experience with this and if you think it’s possible.

Lisa: i think you can have love for many people. but being in love? one at a time, please.

Erin: I have felt, in the past, like I loved two people at once, but, really, it was just me being fucked up and unable to commit.

Tommy: I was actually reading the other day about love (because that’s what I do when I’m procrastinating and, also, when I’m not playing Spades on my iPhone.)

Erin: You are really good at procrastinating. And it takes one to know one. (Why do you think I have this blog?)

Tommy: Well, anyway, I was reading this book by Bell Hooks, called “All About Love.” And, she is talking about what we are actually feeling when we’re in love with someone. She uses this term “cathexis,” which apparently is a Freudian term that essentially means investing energy into someone. That’s what got me thinking. Bell Hooks has this critique of romantic love or notions of romantic love. She argues that we actually have some standard definition of love, and that we should think of love as an action, rather than a feeling. And, it’s this whole idea that real love is what lets you and the other person flourish.

Lisa: OMG i’m getting teary-eyed.

Tommy: So, when someone asks me if it’s possible to love two people, I think the only serious legitimate answer is: AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT.

(Erin and Lisa explode into laughter.)

Lisa: excellent advice. hold on, tommy, do you want to be my fantasy jewish boyfriend?

Tommy: I’m almost done with this game of Spades.

Erin: Is this like Fantasy Football?

Tommy: I honestly think I do better as a fantasy/ internet boyfriend because I do not have time to help others flourish.

Lisa: ok then, tommy lasagna is my new fantasy jewish bf.

Erin: You read it here first.

Went on two dates that I thought went pretty good and then received the message below about her basically friend zoning me. Curious how you would respond, as I’ve yet to send her a reply.
Thanks.

—> As far as going out again, I’m not sure about it at this point and I don’t think it would be fair to you to keep going out while I figure out what I want. I know I definitely had a good time with you and like you a lot. I’m just not sure if I see more than friendship and I would feel like I was leading you on if we continued to go out on dates. If you would like to keep talking I’m open to it but I definitely understand if you would rather not.

Tommy: Ok, I got this one. So, you went on two dates that you thought went pretty good. And then the (girl) sends you a message that indicated you thought wrong. As far as getting let down easy, I think this girl’s message is pretty spot on.

Erin: Agreed. She’s not into you. Say, “thanks.”

Tommy: I actually always breathe a sigh of relief when I get a message like the one she sent, because there is no second guessing and she isn’t wasting your time. (Even though while you’ve been waiting for our reply, you have probably sent her back some stupid self-deprecating message that made you look insane.) You should’ve probably just replied, “Thank you, I love you.”

Lisa: i’d respond like this: ‘k’. or my FAVE: ‘kk’ – but, i’m not a big ‘ol long-winded text asshole like a lot of people.

Tommy: Omg, I think we were meant to be together, Lisa.

Erin: I feel like some swanky skanky matchmaker.

…

And on that note, we’re outta here! Thank you, Tommy Lasagna, for bestowing your relationship wisdom upon us. We hope you join us again. Please wish Tommy and I good luck with our fantasy relationship.

Now that we have a male perspective on board, send that deep burning question in. We will get to it as quickly as possible. You can use the box on the top right of erin’s page – and your anonymity is golden.
XOXO

P.S. Tommy Lasagna, aka, my new jewish fantasy boyfriend, deep incognito: proxy

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

the friend zone, she’s posing naked?! + sweet sophie.

February 20, 2014 11:54 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

NUDIE

1.

Im 30 and shes 27, been together 8 months n actually were talkin seriously about moving in 2gether. We’re in love and had a great relationship until recently. She drops this bomb that she wants 2 pose nude for a magazine. I’m kind of floored by this, yes she is very attractive, but she never acted like the type to wanna do this. I’m not ok with this, I say 2 her why you wanna have other guys seeing you naked, she says its not that she wants that. She said the money isvery good and would put a “huge dent” in what she owes for her student loans and she really wouldnt have to do anything but get her picture taken.

I dont feel that is a good enough reason 2 do this at all, I dont want a bunch of other guys seeing her naked and jerking off to it and sh*t like that. Shes says Im not being very mature and that it is “her body”. I dont dispute its her body, and shes like “oh not like anyone will be touching me only you get to do that its reserved for only you” and im just thinking “yeah I thought seeing you naked was reserved for only me too”.

I’m not really going to play games though, I’m too old for games. I told her she is free to do what she wants, but if she did this then I’d be breaking up with her. She was like “oh then I really cant do what I want can I”. But that isn’t true, she can. There is no law that says she has to stay with me, although I’d be heartbroken if we had to break up.

Am I over reacting here and not being fair? I think its crazy for any girl to think her bf would be ok with this. We havent talked much today, she says I’m trying to control her. I said nope and if you feel this way maybe we shouldnt be together. So then she gets mad saying that Im always talking about breaking up so I must want out. I dont even know how to respond to these things. If I wanted out Id break up with her, I dont need to use any excuse. I told her I love her and dont ever wanna be without her.

I told her the fact that she wants to do something she knows will really hurt me is really hurtful in itself. She says there is no reason to be hurt. So am I out of line here?

Lisa: hey erin, how’s it going? what’s up?

Erin: Well, Lisa, I am sitting on my hands, using all my power, not to correct the horrendous grammar/spelling/poor word usage in this question. You 2?

Lisa: yes, that’s very prince-like of this dude, if i do say so myself. but, anyway i feel pretty good. i had a call with my psychic today, who told me that my next boyfriend is on the way and that he’s not any of the dudes i currently know – thank GOD.

Erin: Wait, you have a psychic?

Lisa: erin, not only do i have a psychic, i have a chiropractor, a holistic healer, a massage therapist, and a shrink. it takes a village.

Erin: Holy shit, Lisa. We’re trying to instill a little faith in these people that we are not as crazy as they are.

Lisa: whatevs. ok, on to the dude and his problem. oh, lawdy, here’s the deal- if you are in an adult committed relationship, THERE MUST BE RECIPROCITY, there must be compromise. people that are all, “we’re so free love and non-jealous and everything is all fairies and flowers”- i call total BULLSHIT on all that. if you are with someone seriously, you don’t just get to do whatever the fuck you want, period.

Erin: I just need to get this out of the way first- you are a 30 year old man- don’t replace to/too with 2. Ok, I will let the rest go. Now, as for your situation, while there’s no right or wrong answer about posing nude, you absolutely have a right to voice your opinion and it is understandable that you would be hurt that she’s not taking that into consideration.

Lisa: yeah, it sounds like you’ve been very clear and communicative.

Erin: When I was a teenager, I knew this older couple that a lot of people used to get drugs from. On their anniversary, the dude decided he would rent a porno for them to watch later. It was probably a VHS, maybe a DVD, because I am old. At the video store, he was surprised to find his live-in girlfriend of 5 years on the cover of a porno. She had made it while they were together and said she did it for the money, which makes no sense because they had money and she was paid something like $400. My point is- your girlfriend can’t be getting paid that much. With all the free internet porn available, there’s no way she’s paying off her debt this way, unless she is a celebrity and you left that part out of the story- which seems unlikely given her unpaid student loan debt.

Lisa: you’re not out of line. lay back and watch. i’ll bet you $10 her next move will be pole dancing.

Erin: Smooth move, Lisa. You’re going to need that $10 to pay for your team of experts.

2.

I am a 25 yo female and have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We recently started living together and everything is great, but sex. I have never been so frustrated in my entire life about sex.
The thing is that my boyfriend just cares about himself during intercourse. I feel as if I were just an object for his pleasure. As an example: I always do oral to him, masturbate him and all kinds of foreplay before sex. I always do all the work, while he NEVER touches me, neither he does oral to me. Nothing.
He believes sex is just about himself, and ignores that it is an exchange of value among both of the lovers. I have talked to him MULTIPLE TIMES about it and he just doesn’t care. He has seen me sad about it too, but he refuses to change his behavior.

Now, just so you know a little more about myself – I think I am a very healthy person (I eat healthy, I don’t smoke, etc). I am also a very clean person (shower twice a day, etc). I think I am fairly attractive (redhead, slender, green eyes..) , but my boyfriend doesn’t care about any of that. He watches porn and masturbates all day while I am at work (because he doesn’t work), and when I come home he doesn’t even seem interested in me. Actually, no – he is only interested in me doing oral sex to him.

I am getting tired of the situation, and this might be a deal breaker for me. I hate it. I have had multiple lovers in my life, and gets lot of male attention. Since the situation is what it is, I am afraid I might end up cheating on him. I am always a very honest person, so I am concerned about having the temptation of sleeping with other people.

I thought that if I refused to have sex with him at all he would change, so I did it and his response was just not having sex with me, and just continuing to watch porn. So, that didn’t work either. I am desperate. I don’t know what to do.

I love him, so I don’t want to break up with him, but the situation is getting ugly. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life this way.

I would enormously appreciate any advice.

Thank you,
– Sophie.

Erin: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. Let’s set up your boyfriend up with the chick in the first question.

Lisa: oh, sophie. sophie, sophie, sophie.

Erin: Alright, the fact that you haven’t cheated on or dumped this loser tells me that you are either a masochist or have serious issues with your father. Much like I told the people who asked questions last week, RUN! You are a young, attractive woman. Don’t waste one more minute with this douche bag.

Lisa: you sound like a really lovely person. like you, i have green eyes too. did you know that less than two percent of the world’s population has green eyes? what i’m trying to say is that you are special and this porn-addicted freak-o, that is currently you’re boyfriend, ain’t. look, i like porn every now and again. i watched a little PornHub last night, in fact. but the combination of not having sex with you, you doing all of the work, and OH! he doesn’t have a job – your brain must be on sensory overload with all the red flags waving in front of you. get out, lose this loser. you deserve more, i can tell.


3.

I was with a girl, we went on a date for drinks and afterwards asked her to come back to my place. She agrees and comes over, I make a move on her for a kiss and she turns me down. Then I climb on my bed and lay on my stomach…. She takes her shoes off and climbs in my bed and puts her legs around me in a flirtatious manner. I put my hand on her and she doesn’t push me off. I drop her at home and she said she had fun we should do it again. Should I keep chasing or am I in the friend zone

Erin: You climb on your bed and lay on your stomach?

Lisa: if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have come over.

Erin: Well, I will say that when I was younger, say 19-26-ish, I was a fucking nightmare. I was a tease, I was all over the place, I gave people mixed signals. So, you might be in the friend zone, the friend-I-like-to-flirt-with-and-might-sleep-with-one-day-if-I am-drunk-zone.

Lisa: i’m gonna disagree here, erin. although she may be sending you confusing signals, i think she is to be commended. i’m trying to approach relationships like this now too — more cautiously — because i recently blew it with a skater guy that i really really really really liked by being too available.

Erin: Skater guy? What are you- fourteen?

Lisa: well, erin, actually, we’re pretty close in age. and i just took a buzzfeed quiz that said that my real age is 24. so there.

Erin: I guess I should shut-up, considering my last post was about the fact that I act like a fifteen year old. Also, I need to come clean. I take at least 4 BuzzFeed quizzes a week. Go ahead, ask me which character I am on Twin Peaks or Downton Abbey.

Lisa: oh erin, please, which character are you on twin peaks?

Erin: Laura Palmer, duh.

…

rarely wrong erin and I will be back next week to answer more questions. We’ve got a lot to choose from- tinder, facebook hookups, helping your friend snoop on her boyfriend, orgasms, loving two people at the same time, and many more. Keep them coming, we will answer all questions eventually and anonymously, unless you say it’s ok to include your name. Use the box at the top right of erin’s page and have a wicked awesome weekend. xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

valentine’s day, broken hearts + tinder.

February 13, 2014 2:37 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

VDD

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Lisa, what are your thoughts?

Lisa: well, last year i drove through in n out burger and got myself a burger and fries. so, I’m hoping that this year will be better. eh. whatev.

Erin: Last year, I found a dead kitten in my garage and had to enlist the help of my friends to pick it up with a shovel and put it in a box. And 2 years before that, I got lice! This is a mere sampling of the stellar Valentine’s Days I have had.

Lisa: yeah, I’m not really in to valentine’s day, but maybe it would be different if i had a valentine. who knows? who cares?

Erin: I am generally opposed to going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day or receiving flowers that some schmuck paid triple for because of the date. Also, what about those people who say Valen-times Day? Okay, enough of this babble. These people need help.

1.

“So our first date was great, he’s the type of guy that’s very confident & he brings out the smart ass in me for some reason so when we talk were a little smart ass to each other. Here’s my dilemma, second date last night & from the moment he picked me up he was being such a smart ass that it started to go too far and it was becoming more rude than jokey. I was getting upset because I didn’t understand how he didn’t realise I was getting mad & I didn’t understand why he thought he could take it so far and talk to me like that. Anyway I ended up being like ‘stop being such a dick’ & when we went to get food I felt so uncomfortable I didn’t order anything and just sat there on my phone being pissed off. He said sorry he didn’t realise I was actually getting annoyed & that he wasn’t intentionally doing it. I wouldn’t drop it & couldn’t help but keep a grudge. I just kept saying how he treated me like **** & I don’t get why you’d do that blah blah. Afterwards we got a drink and chatted and I got over it. He said he was nervous so he over compensated by being over the top & that he really wanted to hangout with me tonight. Night ended good we got over it and went back to normal. This morning I feel so bad, I’m annoyed at myself cause I feel like I overreacted and kept dragging it on and being such a princess about it all I should have just been like stop being rude & moved on not dwelled & constantly said how annoyed I was or how **** he had made me feel ect. I txt him saying sorry I was just in an annoyed mood I didn’t mean to over react and he was like nah all good I appreciate the apology.. but now I’m worried I’ve ruined my chances with him & that he thinks I’m some crazy girl who holds grudges and over reacts & gets pissed easily. What do you think? How can I fix this? What do you think he thinks of me now?”

Lisa: i have no idea what he thinks of you now, but i do know you need to CHiLLAX. the whole reason we go on dates is to find this shit out about people. we go out with people so we can see if we are a match – if enough of the same things line up. it’s risky business for sure and hey, if you blew it with this guy, whatever. at least you are moving closer to what you do want by knowing what you don’t want – get it? a guy who is too sassy ass ain’t for you.

the way you can fix it is by letting it alone. if you see him again, don’t beat the horse that is already laying on the ground dead. be light. be cool. be you. i’ll think you’re fine here.

Erin: Dear Dude Dating Uptight Girl….RUN!

Seriously, girlfriend, you need to let it go. In my experience, when a dude says “nah, all good,” that’s code for- “I’m gonna let crazy down easy.” If he’s brave and/or stupid, he will give you a pass. Don’t pull this crap again. It makes you look crazy. If he does something that bugs, tell him, and then drop it. (Unless he really is an ass and keeps ragging on you, then you should run!)

Lisa: i just went out with a guy that complained the whole night on our first date, but fortunately for him, i like him and i can see beyond the petulant mistakes he was making on the first date.

Erin: Lisa….RUN!

2.

“My girlfriend just broke up with me 2 hours ago. I don’t know how I feel at the moment. but I’m terrified at how I am going to feel in a few hours or tomorrow. I feel so lost without her, I don’t know what to do anymore. We we’re together for 1 year, and I never loved another girl the way I loved her and we we’re talking about a future together, getting married, having kids, getting a house and having a family of our own, but those dreams got shattered like broken glasses and my heart feels shattered into pieces, I still can’t believe she broke up with me, I am crying as I am writing this at the same time, so I am wiping my tears at the same time. . Celeste baby I love you a lot from the bottom of my heart, and I can’t believe you ended our beautiful relationship, when everything was going well for us, I miss you already baby and I want you back Sad Sad Sad Sad I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know what to do.”

Erin: Celeste, RUN!!!

Ok, Mr. Shattered Heart…I am guessing that you are young. Because when you are old, like me, you will understand that you will probably love again, many times. And it will be different, but it won’t be any less amazing/awful.

Don’t run after her. Take a breath, pull yourself together, don’t drink (The alcohol will make it worse.), exercise (I know this sounds crazy, but trust me, you need all the endorphins you can get.), and keep yourself as busy as possible with friends, sex with strangers (Use a condom!), the Olympics- whatever works.

Lisa: dear mr. shattered heart pieces, i personally have never been broken up with. i’m usually the one that does the breaking up. so my perspective on your situation is that you owe this girl a thank you. she’s given you the space and freedom to find the right person for you. and i would also like to say, i was married, did have a kid and a house with someone, and the grass is always greener from the other side of the fence. what i would recommend is to let her go with love and get on tinder immediately- so you can see there are a million bitches in the sea.

Erin: As someone who has done both the breaking up and been broken up with- it is not always less painful to be the breaker. Actually, I have done a more thorough job of breaking my own heart than anyone else has.

3.

RE: Tinder

I’ve literally swiped my way through every dude in Seattle. Do I live in the wrong city? Am I really that picky? And why are they all so fucking “zany” #swipeleft #tinderthis

Lisa: OMG tinder is my fucking nemesis. i only get on it when i’m home in los angeles. you do not live in the wrong city, seattle is baller. and yes, you are that picky, and that’s a good thing. i know a few peeps who are constantly/obsessively on tinder. i see the guys that they go for and it’s literally like scraping the bottom of the barrel. gross. please ladies: don’t be so desperate.

Erin: Good grief. I am fascinated, in that watching a slow car crash sort of a way, by Tinder and the cornucopia of phone apps and websites devoted to getting people laid. Because, truthfully, isn’t that what they’re for? I have heard urban myths about people finding love on the digital plane, but I am skeptical at best. I think they’re great for fun, for sex (Use a condom!), for “getting back out there.” But, I don’t think you can take them too seriously.

However, if I was single, I would be all over them, because the stories that come out of the many bad dates are priceless!

Lisa: erin, cornucopia is a good descriptive term, i.e. cornucopia of losers. since tinder is basically a facebook app, how many of the people on your facebook do you want to go out with, really? #YOSO (you only swipe once) – KEEP ON SWIPING, SISTER SLEDGE.

Erin: Re: Zany. Oof! I feel your pain. Gentleman, when a lady makes that long list of ideal traits in a dude, zany is never, ever, ever on that list. If it is, RUN! #nozanyzone

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Keep the questions coming. Watch your grammar. Use a condom. We will back next week to answer more! Use the form on the top right of rarely wrong erin to ask a question. Your anonymity is golden. HVD!

xoxo

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, hope, love

#AskErinAndLisa – who the hell is Terry, the best vibrator + more!

January 31, 2014 10:41 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

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Hello, we’re back, to lead you blindly towards better lives. Or something.

1.

I’ve been thinking of cheating on myself. I know it’s wrong but I just can’t help myself. I just don’t pay as much attention to myself as I used to. It’s getting boring and I think maybe it’s time to step out of my stale personal relationship and get something from somewhere else. Is this a good idea? If I do cheat should I just lie to myself rather than admitting the truth? Do you think my left hand will know what my right hand is doing?

Lisa: erin, is this one of your friends fucking with us?

Erin: No, this is one of my narcissist friends.

Lisa: first off, I notice that you said “myself” about 200 times in your question, so i totally could get why you’d want to cheat on yourself: you’re bored with your very own adorable narcissistic personality. secondly, and totally off topic, you seem like you are perhaps one of those weirdo-split-personality-geminis. the WORST (apologies to bob dylan and stevie nicks.).

Erin: Also, you use your left hand? Leftie? (Just trying to narrow down my friends.)

Lisa: the right hand WILL know, but maybe one hand could slap you across your own face. erin, what you got here? anyway, cheating is wrong and a big deal, but let’s face it, everyone does it or does it eventually.

Erin: Way to bring it down, Lisa. Bottom line, it’s totally okay to cheat on yourself. And sometimes, a slap feels good.

2.

My girlfriend just told me about this guy named Terry that she’s been texting. I can’t get any information about this guy out of her. Her excuse for it is that I don’t bring her around my friends. We’ve been dating for 4 1/2 years now and when we first started dating she told me she didn’t want to. I did take her to my best friends wedding and she’s met all my closest friends. I asked her a few simple questions about Terry like how long have ya’ll known each other and why won’t you tell me anything about him. She goes berserk with anger when I ask. She kicked me out one night and said she wanted to hang out with him alone. I just found out that he visits her in the morning before he goes to work and I get out of bed. She just told me that she can’t spend time with me sunday because she’s going to dinner with him late and won’t give up the details. At first it was just that she was going out to dinner late. I asked her what was up and she said it’s just dinner. I than asked if it was someone else then she said Terry. So far I know that they couldn’t have slept together due to her roommate being there. I am horrified to think that after dinner she will go back to his place. Our sex life is becoming stagnant maybe 2 times a week. Needless to say not as good for her as it once was. Don’t get me wrong she gets off just mainly from me going down on her. With us not being intimate as frequently I don’t last as long. Discussed it with her and no change. Now I’m building up with anxiety over Terry. Her birthday was last week and Terry has money so he bought her the same stuff as me ironicly just better quality. She swears he’s just a friend but I’ve heard that in 2 other relationships and caught one. She also acts loving and we hold hands and she caresses my hand and arm while watching tv. She tells me she loves me but not as much as she used to. I try to be romantic and rub her feet most days I see here and have candlit sensual massages when ever I can get her alone. The biggest differance is our senses of humor are only partialy in sync. Her biggest pet peave against me I’ve noticed is that I am a large man and both our apartments are small so I’m in the way a lot. I know I can be jealous but in this case am I letting my past influence me or do ya’ll agree that she’s probably cheating?

Erin: Terry? Who the hell is named Terry?

Lisa: if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. so, if I were you, i’d duck the fuck out of this relationship. your girl is cheating on you, with terry.

Erin: I’m going to go with my gut here. Terry is not a man. Terry is a woman. You are a beard. A self-proclaimed large beard. She only gets off when you go down on her. My money is on her closing her eyes while you do so, and imagining Terry, so very. Dude, get out. You have wasted 4 1/2 years with someone who’s obviously not that into you. There are plenty of ladies who would love to come home to foot rubs and candlelit sensual massages. (Also, people, in general, please use spellcheck when sending us messages.) Thanks!

Lisa: i agree with what erin says. two-times a week for sex is lame, and it’s clear she’s not appreciating you. my theory is that if you have to wrap yourself into a pretzel to be with someone, it just ain’t worth it. get out.

3.

I’m a 29 year old female and I’ve never had good sex, I’ve had one guy able to make me cum but it was only one time he tried again and wasn’t able to. I have sex for the first time at 18 and its been like this ever since. I’ve lied and pretended that I came because I was just too embarressed and scared to tell the truth (what guy wants to hear they can’t get their girl off?). I’ve tried tell the guys I’m with what i want and most of the time they don’t even listen to me or they try what i want for a little bit but then go back to what they know. I do have a kinky side but I’m really afraid to let that come out because I mean I can’t even get the hang of normal sex. I’m so frusterated and depressed about the whole thing it makes the whole idea of sex a very scary thing. Help please!

Lisa: GIRLFRIEND, do yourself a favor and invest in a Lelo Vibrator. get to know yourself with this, which will eventually become your best friend. trust me.

Erin: Yes, Lisa is right, you need to be able to get yourself off first. Then, you will actually know what hits you in the right spot, literally. Sadly, according to half of our questions, a lot of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives and/or have never had an orgasm. This advice applies to all of you. Get yourself off and then tell your partner/s what you like. There’s no shame in telling someone how to please you. Trust me, they will be grateful. If they’re not, you shouldn’t be letting them touch you.

Lisa: i just want to add, i was concerned about this very issue with myself, until I was 19 and had an amazing orgasm with my boyfriend, albeit on ecstasy. Oops! i don’t think you need to resort to drugs to have an orgasm, but I do think you need to invest $100 in a good vibrator and watch some porn with yourself. please write back and let us know how this goes for you.

…

As you wait with bated breath for next week’s installment, keep the questions coming (Discover spellcheck, I beg of you.). Use the Ask Erin! box on the right of erin’s page: rarely wrong erin. We will answer all questions, eventually! xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

#AskErinAndLisa – texting, porn + being the rebound chick.

January 24, 2014 11:15 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

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hello friends and lovers. alrighty. rarely wrong erin and i are back this week answering more of your love/dating/relationship/sex questions. yes, we know: a bit harsh, a bit unruly and maybe not, er, exactly what you want to hear, but between us, erin + i have years of therapy, years of heartache/heartbreak/sheer joy/good sex/lame sex, et cetera under our belts so, yano, we kinda know our shit. so read. ask. and be kind to yourselves whilst out there in the wild wild world of love.

…

1.

Who should text who?
Him and I always have very good conversations and he keeps his word and follows through on things. I am the one that is always initiating the texting though but he always keeps the conversations going and seems legitimately excited to be talking to me…what’s your input?

Lisa: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. i personally am not a fan of initiating convos via text to guys, but i also know that each situation is different.

Erin: I am far more concerned with your grammar than your question.

Lisa: if you ever get really bored of doing all the chasing (and let’s face it, that’s what you’re doing-) it would be an interesting experiment to lay low and actually see if this brotha reaches out to you. on his own. guys like the girls they can chase. the end.

Erin: Men are simple. If you have a legitimate reason to text him, then do so. Otherwise, let him pursue you. It’s much sexier. P.S. – grammar

2.

I’m a very happily married guy in his early 40’s with two kids. We’ve been married over ten years and are madly in love, and have an enviable relationship in terms of communication and trust. Our sex life is pretty good considering we have kids; we manage to have sex at least once every 10 days or so. Not as much as I’d like (what a shocker) but for where we are it’s good. But once in a while I look at porn online as a means of release. My wife has been okay with this in the past, but would prefer I didn’t do it. However several months ago I stumbled across a web chat room where you can watch other people’s cameras and broadcast your own. It’s totally anonymous and no one shows their faces, only neck down kind of stuff. I visited the site several times, justifying it as just another kind of porn, “live porn” if you will. There was never any one on one activity; that’s not how the site is set up – you watch several broadcasts at a time and maybe someone watches you if you were “lucky” (the female to male ratio was off the charts as you can imagine). Anyway, it started to feel like what I was doing was really gross, and after weeks of mustering up the courage, I told my wife everything. I love, value and respect her too much for it to continue.

Obviously, she was devastated. She feels betrayed, angry, and disgusted. She feels like I cheated on her and doesn’t know how to rebuild our trust. I’ve been 100% open and communicative, ready to listen and not at all defensive. I have acknowledged the pain I’ve caused and apologized profusely, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

The question is, how can I best support her as she moves through this? What do I do? As ridiculous as it sounds, it had nothing to do with her – I wasn’t pushed away, I wasn’t unhappy or mad at her, I’m intensely sexually attracted to her – it’s not like an affair where it’s totally cut and dry cheating. I just wanted to find a new way to get my rocks off, but I’ve hurt her beyond measure and it’s killing me to see her like this.

Any insight or comments or advice would be most helpful and appreciated.

Lisa: JESUS CHRIST. since getting this question, i’ve been chomping at the fucking bit to answer it! and the tutorial on the live porn chat room – THANK YOU. well done. succinct but chock full ‘o good information! i certainly appreciated it and am i sure some of our more perverse weirdo readers will too. YAY!

Erin: If you are only having sex once every 10 days (or so), that means less than 10% of days in an entire year. That’s really depressing. I honestly don’t blame you.

Would I be mad? At the porn- no. I think it’s completely ignorant to not acknowledge that EVERY ONE of us looks/has looked/will look at porn- for a whole variety of reasons. I might be bummed if my man was in live sex chat rooms, but I also couldn’t wouldn’t go with that little sex in my life. And, I have a kid, and I get it, but still.

Although I understand how kids vacuum up time/energy/sex appeal, you owe it to each other to make intimacy a priority. I think part of making a commitment is committing to maintaining a healthy sex life, which may include: getting into foreplay to get yourself in the mood, giving a blow job when you don’t feel like having sex, keeping yourself feeling and looking sexy, and initiating physical contact. She has a part in this, too. It’s easy to forget the other person’s part when we are stuck under the guilt quilt (*guilt quilt courtesy of Fresh Meat, which you should watch- but that’s a lecture for another day).

Lisa: ANYWAY- ok. once every 10 days for sex – yikers, bro. no wonder you’re into porn. if i were in relationship/marriage, et cetera -which i’m currently, um, not- i would want to get laid at least 4-5 times a week…right? so i understand your frustration. frealz. that sucks. i’m glad you and your wife are in love and stuff, but let’s step the sex stuff up. eventually. she’s mad at you right now, so you might have to heal a few things first, but please start having more sex with your wife. porn will be less exciting if you’ve got the real pussy right there ready to go.

next off, i have to say that telling people everything is sometimes not the best idea. i know you were ‘being honest’ and all that shit, but at what price? you could have stopped the live porn chat stuff and left your wifey-poo out of it – she aint’ the judge and she ain’t the jury. what i’m trying to say is sometimes when WE are looking for relief, we hurt OTHERS unnecessarily by being too honest.

so all that being said, she needs to forgive you. i get why she is upset – as a chick, i really do – but she’s gotta let this go now. holding on to anger and resentment causes cancer and it’s unhealthy to live in a situation with someone who is mad at you all the time. fuck that shit. you did it, you owned it and now she needs to forgive you so you can both work on loving each other and having mind-blowing-porn-style-sex. ;o)

Erin: Sincerely, I hope you can work this out. Although I loathe the concept of “couples therapy,” it might be a good idea here, to diffuse the tension and provide a foundation for getting your relationship back on track. Good luck, dude.

3.

I have been dating my boyfriend of 1 year. We started dating right after he broke of his relationship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years. We see each other every Wednesday and every weekend Fri-Mon, we then stay at his place. Monday evenings I do my washing, Tuesday evenings I pack for Wed and Thursday, Thursday evenings I pack for the weekends. Is it too soon to ask if we can move in together? I know that he does not want to get married. He says I am putting him under pressure. What do I do?

Lisa: OMG, i had to read and re-read this question like 40 times. ‘washing’? what are you, amish? look, sweets, you need to fucking chill. no moving in. ugh. c’mon. he’s just out of an eight year thing. god, even i feel smothered by your schedule with him so i get why your guy is saying he feels pressure, LISTEN TO HIM. respect that. BACK OFF. furthermore, don’t you have any hobbies? anything you can do so you’re not rushing over to get into his bed every night? tip: try yoga. you need it.

Erin: I am equally smothered by your schedule. Calm down. It’s only been a year. If he says you’re pressuring him…guess what that means? You’re pressuring him! Stop! That’s a dude’s red flag warning. Also, you mention he doesn’t want to get married. I have the sneaking suspicion that you do, and are doing that lame thing that women do sometimes- ignore the truth he is giving you. When dude says he doesn’t want to get married, that is not code for, “You can change me, if you try.” It means that you’re not going to marry this guy. Also, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but we both think you’re the easy rebound chick. You are way too available with your rigorous schedule of packing and washing and packing again.

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and…more questions, more answers next week, freaks. peace + love from erin and i – to you.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love